Holding My Hands Open

A hammock. A good book. A beautiful view. Swinging back and forth in my happy place. That's what sticks out most from the last few days we had in Tela, one of the beach towns in Honduras. Experiencing places like this in Honduras just makes me further question, "Why on earth am I LEAVING?" Well, as much as I love you, Honduras, you won't last forever. No place will. And I'm grateful. The only place I want to last forever is in Heaven with my Jesus.

I was able to really quiet my life down while we were away by disconnecting from the internet and (most) t.v. Hey, I still had to keep up with some soccer, alright? Truth is, the times I'm most alone are the best times for Christ to speak to me. There's this seriously fantastic book, A Thousand Gifts, that I can't keep my hands off of, and yet it's still taken me forever to devour. Probably because I'm a notetaker and half my notebook is now full of Ann Voskamp's challenging and encouraging words. In other words, I could very well have rewritten the entire book with the amount of notes I took, but hey, when something's that good you have to do whatever you can to remember it!

Being in a good hammock is easily one of my happiest places on earth.

Ann Voskamp, the author of this book I can't seem to finish, talks on every page about being thankful. The word for it is eucharisteo. See, she found out she had cancer as an adult- a mom with 6 kids (I think?) and a farmer husband- and this is after she watched her younger sister die right in front of her as a child because of a truck not paying attention on the road. She had to watch her parents hold her little sister as she took her last breaths in a pool of her own blood. They all chose, at first, to curse God for allowing this to happen to such a young, lively child. How do you find a way to be thankful in that? A way to eucharisteo? I am sure we all have our own versions of cruel things God "has done to us" that we have found hard to accept and forgive, or maybe some are still dealing with those issues with God. Whatever it may be, Ann had a really great idea once she found out about the cancer. She started a list of all the gifts God gives her in a day. She was challenged by another to list 1,000 things she considered a gift. It was in this time that she finally learned true eucharisteo.

Dirty laundry
Kids yelling at the top of their lungs
simple beauty of the moon

These were some on her list. I decided to make my own list because of how encouraging it was to see the change God caused in her by slowing down and considering everything a gift. 

To be honest, one of my favorite things, that I find a lot of joy in, is doing the dishes. (I guess the only time I hate it is when they've piled up for days and it is NOT my fault. I hate people being lazy, so I clearly understand how my mom felt the entire time I was growing up. Sorry, mom.) There is no thinking involved in doing dishes, and many times I find it an easy time to use to pray about my day. It's something simple. Nothing fancy. And then I came to the beach. I had these incredible views everywhere I went. I don't think a single thing during my time away didn't cause eucharisteo. It was just easy. The whole scene was just breathtaking for me. Yet, as much as I love it, what will happen now that I am back in Sigua, with more mundane, less obvious grateful moments for me to seize? THEN, what will happen when I go back to Springfield, away from the mountains and the beauty and my students and my friends here? Will eucharisteo still be as easy to find?

No. There's also the hard eucharisteo:
"This is it. The hard eucharisteo. Now I know that I don't want to know it yet...Ever. How to lay the hand open for this moment's bread-when it will hurt."

Oh, Lord, awake my soul to Your goodness and mercy when all I will want is to indulge in the pain I feel from leaving. Help me find the hard eucharisteo and embrace the simple miracles of everyday.

Life is not nearly as much about the places you go as it is the people you meet. You carry them with you wherever you go - and they're usually no more than a Skype call or email away. Technology is pretty great these days.

"All gratitude is ultimately gratitude for Christ, all remembering a remembrance of Him. For in Him all things were created, are sustained, have their being. Thus Christ is all there is to give thanks for; Christ is all there is to remember. To know how we count on God, we count graces, but ultimately there is really only One."

"The quiet song of gratitude, eucharisteo, lures humility out of the shadows because to receive a gift the knees must bend humble and the hand must lie vulnerably open and the will must bow to accept whatever the Giver chooses to give."

Please, just take in that beauty. Only God could create a sky and mountain backdrop like that.

Excited for Whatever's Next!

This decision not to come back was not an easy one, but every time I started leaning towards coming back another year, God would point out something that just didn't work with that choice. As much as I hated it, I realized it will be best for me to go back to Illinois. At least for now. Now, don't get me wrong. I DO plan on returning soon, even if that just means visiting. To me, my heart's desire is to come back down here once I've taken some Spanish classes and at least gotten a grasp on the basics of Spanish. See, while living here, I've been able to pick up a lot of it, but not enough to form many useful sentences, just enough to make sure I don't go hungry and can travel to the places I need to go. I could easily stay here and take Spanish classes in the country filled with people who actually speak it, but in my heart, I really need to be home. Well, maybe I don't need to be as much as I just want to be. My dad's back in our lives after a really long absence and it's been really, really hard being away from him during this time that he's officially become a part of our family again.

In the meantime, before God reveals my next step to me regarding Honduras (or somewhere else if that's where He decides to take me), I am going to take Spanish classes and immerse myself as much as possible without actually being in a Spanish speaking country. I would love to get involved with an organization that works with teens somewhere here in Honduras, but in most cases, you have to be bilingual for that. All that to say, I could be a long way away from my long term goal. And that is okay. I have learned to accept whatever and wherever it is God has placed me, even if that means I have to wait a long time just to find out where and what that is. I am excited about getting involved with other ministries and organizations in Springfield while I wait, places that I never really took the time to invest myself in before. God doesn't HAVE to have me in Honduras in order for me to do His work. I can do that anywhere. I just want to be a blessing for Him and shine a little more of His light in this world. Selfishly I just wish that would bring me back to Honduras full time someday.

For now, my plans are not really concrete once I get back to the States. I'll move back in with my mom. I'll most likely substitute teach again, because I loved that way more than I expected to. I look forward to getting involved again in my church life at Lakeside and also find some way to work with teenagers in the community. The biggest thing for me will be taking Spanish classes. I will be taking a class at the community college and hopefully get to practice with my students, too, since half of them added me as a facebook friend as soon as the last day of school was over. You know, it's not cool to be friends with your teacher, but when they're just another person, it's totally acceptable. :)

I'm so looking forward to seeing many of you who are reading this in the coming months once I get back home in a month! Get a hold of me and let's set up a time to hang out so I can tell you all about this in person! Thanks for going on this journey with me, and it is far from over, no matter WHAT I end up doing next. :) God bless!

My daddio and me!

So excited to get to spend lots of quality daddy/daughter time with this guy!

For my Students

My heart has been in more pain these past couple weeks than I think it ever has been in my entire life. I know it's only been a year here, but a lot can happen in a year. I've had the most difficult, amazing, strengthening year of my life here. God has shown me things I never knew before and taught me that His plans for me reach much farther than Springfield, Illinois.

For those who don't know, I have made the decision, through a lot of prayer and trust, to not return to Honduras next year. Ugh, I don't even enjoy writing that sentence, let along actually having to do it soon. I have grown to love it here so much. I love the people. I love the mountains. I love the food. I love the music. I love the crazy public transportation. I love the stray dogs wandering the streets. I love the fireworks that randomly go off at any given time in the night. I love the rain. I love EVERYTHING. And yet, I am leaving.

Itzel and Lauren. Love these girls.

Crazy Karolyn. This girl is the best.

One big thing I've discovered in my time here is that I am much better at being friends with kids this age than I am at teaching them. While that makes me a great friend, it kind of messes with the teacher image, therefore, I think it's in their best interest if I come back in the future just as Brenna, not Miss Brenna. I don't like saying goodbyes, especially to these particular people. These kids have been practically my whole life for the last 9 months or so and now I have to say goodbye, not being entirely sure when I will see them again, just trusting that eventually I will. 

The last week of classes was 2 weeks ago. We ended it with a high school devotional time. I sat in the back and just looked out at all the kids. I thought back on all the memories I've made with my students over the year and literally sat there bawling like a baby. All I could think of was how this was it. This was the last day I would ever be with all of them all at once. The week leading up to their final exams week, I said my actual goodbyes to them. I told them how much I loved them and how much they mean to me and we remembered some of the good times, and even some of the not so good times that now also seem good in light of having to say goodbye. I gave them a little note reminding them just how special they are not only to me, but even more so to God.

Here's my prayer for my students: "I pray that every day of your lives, you would experience something new in light of Jesus Christ and what He has done for you. I pray that in all the good times and the bad times, that you would look to Him. I pray that your trust in Him will overflow and you will never forget WHO you belong to. I pray that He will continue to provide you with people in your life who also remind you how much He loves you and cares about you. I pray for boldness for you, to go out and do whatever it is He has called you to and to be fearless while doing it, knowing that He is on your side. Always. I thank God so much for each one of your lives and for making you each so special and for teaching me more this year than you could ever know. I thank God for the way He loved me so well through you this year. I pray that you will never forget how much God has already used you in the world and how He will CONTINUE to use you for the rest of your journey through life." - If you ever think of me and want to pray, you can say that same prayer for them.

I am really not good at putting my pain into words right now, but I can tell you that I am so so very thankful for this year and this time I got to have, not only with these kids, but in this country. I never want to have to say goodbye, but since all good things must come to an end (until we reach Heaven, thank God!), I will end with some wise, yet sad, words from my girl, Carrie Underwood.

Silly 9th grade girls. Always a fun time. Always.

"I will see you again, this is not where it ends. I will carry you with me 'til I see you again."

Javier. He almost always refuses to smile and definitely refuses pictures with me. I finally convinced him. This picture is a big deal, people.

Until next time, kiddos, keep living your lives for Jesus and keep on changing the world.

These kids. They will never know how much I love them and how much they have changed me in so many, many ways.