Almost Home!!

It seems my goal of blogging once a week was an unrealistic goal, but better late than never, right?

The last couple weeks have been filled with some really good challenges for me, and some I have brought my A-game, and some I have not. We have one day left of classes and then Christmas Fair celebrations on Friday. After that, we head home for Christmas!! I am really looking forward to seeing people from home. Even more so to eating all that delicious food you can only find in the States!

Last week and this week, I have had to prove myself as a teacher, and to be honest, I don't know that I'm doing that. Some days look really positive, and others look like a train wreck. It's been hard for me to seek what God is doing in all of this, but nonetheless, if He gives me a chance to keep fighting for my place here, than I will do exactly that. I will not give up. If I do, it's not really giving up so much as it is God telling me He's got a different  path for me to take next. I am learning how to be okay with that. I am also learning it is normal to doubt your own abilities, which is why it is so critical to be in God's presence and keep seeking His will for my life. At this point, I am honestly at a place where I can genuinely say I love these kids with every fiber of my being, however, I do not love the job of teaching itself. There are several reasons for that. First, I am still a first year teacher and still figuring out what I'm doing. Second, I will always be learning, which means there will be plenty of room for mistakes, which I seem to be encountering a lot more often these days than not. Third, I've always had a passion for forming relationships with kids, but I've never been all that good at drawing a line in which we are friends, but I am firstly their teacher. That's probably the hardest thing for me. It's so hard because this job is a ministry in itself, whether you each at a Christian school or not. I like to take advantage of every opportunity I get to connect with my kids and help them learn something new about the Lord and His love for them.

Having said all that, I love it here. I really do. However, I am taking it all in with an open hand, trusting that at any moment He may call me away from here and on to something different. It will break my heart, for sure, but I know He does these things to strengthen us and to remind us HE is in control, not us. I hate accepting that sometimes, but then I also love it because it takes me off the hook from having to know what my future holds myself.

On a different note, the weather back home is ridiculous! I mean, we don't even get SNOW here, let alone weather below 40 degrees. The coldest it's been here is maybe 50 this year. Crazy. Illinois is supposed to get some really bad snow over the weekend, when I'm supposed to be flying home. If you could pray for the weather to be just good enough to still let me fly without any (or at least not many) delays.

Still clinging to this verse:
Philippians 1:6  " being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Burn The Ships

Sorry it's been a while since my last one. My last couple weeks here have been filled with lots of good moments, as well as some harder ones. It started last Friday when my 9th grade students began presenting a song that has had some affect on their faith life with Christ. One of my students presented the song "Burn the Ships" by Steven Curtis Chapman. I had never heard it before, so it was a little mind blowing listening to this young man in my class explain the historical background. The meaning behind it is back during a battle (don't ask me which one, I never claimed to be good at history) where Cortes, the commander in charge, was fighting with his soldiers in Mexico and all of his men wanted to go back because they knew they wouldn't win. Cortes' response was NOT what they wanted to hear. He literally had them burn all of their ships, as a symbol that they were NOT turning back. They would keep fighting and they would either win or die. His reasoning? God had brought them thus far and just because circumstances changed, the original truth that they were right where God wanted them had NOT changed. My 9th grade student was used by God in a mighty way that morning. It's like God was speaking right to me, reminding me that anything worth having in life is worth fighting for. I've listened to that song many, many times since then, just reveling in the truth it holds. I've decided to burn my ships and fight my heart out to be here and to succeed.

Having said that, this past week has been my mos enjoyable week I've had so far, which you know is saying a lot if you have been keeping up with these blogs. Anyway, I've finally started to stop letting every. little. thing. bother me and let some things go that just aren't worth fighting for. I thought it was only me who noticed the change, but by Thursday, some of my students seemed to notice it, too, which felt really good.

My favorite moment this week, and one of my all time "proud teacher moments" so far, was with my 8th grade class. We've been doing these "One Minute Presentations" where they pick a random topic from a container and talk about it, anything they want to say, for 60 seconds. The point is to be practicing their fluency and get used to being in front of the class more often. One of my students has been extremely shy and not confident in her English speaking ability. So, for the past 3 presentations, she gets up and says about three words and then gives up and sits back down. This week, after trying to encourage her to the best of my ability, she got up there and spoke for the ENTIRE 60 seconds! Not only that, but she did a pretty dang good job! Then, the next day when I saw her, she had a huge smile on her face and I told her how proud I was of her, and I could just tell that she was really proud of herself, too. It's moments like these that I live for in teaching.

One thing that's been a struggle is my 7th grade class. They have NOT gotten used to the fact that they need to turn their work in, and therefore they rack up quite a few zeros in the grade book because they never bother handing in all their work. We had a meeting with all the parents, AND the students were all present. It was really good for them to be able to hear their teachers worries as well as their parents' own thoughts. Needless to say, after offering them half the credit back for late work if they turned it in the very next day, I had a LOT of kids rushing up to give me their work. Just when we were worried they didn't care about their grades, there is STILL HOPE!

Some other exciting happenings were we FINALLY got to go see Catching Fire this past weekend, and it was AWESOME! I guess we really didn't have to wait that long, it'd only been out a week by the time we went, but if felt like forever to me. The best part is being able to talk about it with so many of my students now, because we're ALL big Hunger Games fans around here. We also had our school Spelling Bee on Wednesday. Fun fact about Miss Brenna, I LOVE spelling bees! It was so fun seeing my kids go up and try their very best to win. It's so cute how nervous they get, and the best part is when the winner is a super shy girl. Yup, my 7th grade girl, Itzel, won the bee! It was so special to be a part of that. Plus, it's always fun when we get to do a school wide activity of some sort that gets us out of our regular school routine and gets the kids excited.

As good as this last week was, there were still some hard moments, for sure. Not only that, but last Saturday morning, my family said goodbye to my grandpa Charlie. It's so hard being away from family when something like that happens, but I also trust that God does everything for a reason. It just makes me even more excited to go home and see all my family and friends. Speaking of, I'll be home in two weeks! If you're praying you could just lift up these last two weeks up, because as exciting as it is to visit home, this is a really exciting time at the school, too, and I don't want to miss out on that by being preoccupied with thoughts of home. Also, something really difficult came up yesterday for me. I can't exactly talk about it, but I can tell you that I need prayer for it, LOTS of prayer. I've been dealing with a lot of anger over it today, but a dear friend here reminded me the only way to defeat the devil's schemes is to be in the Word, which is exactly where I've been dwelling throughout the day today.

I'll end on this note, from the NLT: James 1:19-21 "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls."

So, yes, times are a little bit hard here for me right now, but I'm still choosing to burn my ships and stick it out. Maybe you need to burn your ships, too. Stay in the fight. Don't give up. If God called you to something, He doesn't change His mind just because your circumstances may have changed. He also does not get worried or bothered by the things that we do. So, give Him your troubles and let HIM take care of them. Maybe I really just wrote that part for myself, because I just need to keep repeating it so I don't forget where it is God wants my heart to be. If I'm focused on myself, I can't focus on Him. So, let's burn those ships, people!

Rest In Peace, Grandpa Charlie. Life here will certainly not be the same without you.

Just RELAX!

Alright, it's been a week since I last blogged, which if you recall was also my hardest day here so far. I am blessed to be able to say that I am in a MUCH different place today, both spiritually and emotionally. The rest of the school week was still not all that great, but it wasn't TERRIBLE, either. Then, on Friday we had Sports Day for the high school. I was asked to be a ref for volleyball and dodgeball. Ha! When Sarah, my roommate and the p.e. teacher, asked me that's exactly what I did. I just laughed. I gladly said I would do it, but inside I was freaking out, luckily Daniel, whose family has been long time missionaries here, came to help me out. Let's just say I wasn't meant to be a ref for any sport of any kind, whatsoever. At the end of the day, we did a soccer game of teachers vs. students. Guess what Miss Brenna was volunteered to be? The dreaded goalie. It turned out being pretty good, I even managed to make myself look kinda good at it! We played for about a half hour with each of the four teams of kids until the bell rang. Then, 20 or so kids wanted to keep playing. With me. So I stayed in the goal and kept trying my best to block them from scoring. Some of the kids who stuck around for so long after were the kids I've been having trouble with in the classroom, so of course I milked those moments of bonding for all they were worth! It was the most fun I've ever had with my kids outside of the classroom, and certainly a highlight of my time here so far. I was so desperate to find a way to connect with them that I even took a HUGE bruise to my leg. If you know me, remember I bruise easily! So now the side of my leg is a pretty black/purple/blue combo. I'm excited to go to class tomorrow and show them how "tough" I am. =)

We had a three day weekend because of the presidential elections here, which as far as I know we still do not have news of the winner. I do know that depending on who gets it, things could get a lot less peaceful around here than they already are. Now, that's talking about the country more as a whole than it is right here where I am located. Either way, it gave us all a good excuse to stay in the house the whole time and not try to venture out into the craziness of the political rallies and parades. We did go grocery shopping and cash our paychecks Saturday morning, and speaking of groceries, I found Jif peanut butter on sale for less than the generic brands I usually buy! Granted, I still payed close to $4 for each jar, that's cheap around here for peanut butter! Random fact, but I thought I'd share that with you!

Saturday was a day of a little bit of work, and I do mean a little, and a lot of watching movies and being extremely lazy. That night, our friends Cristian and Hector came over and cooked Caitlin and me dinner and showed us how to do it ourselves. It was quite entertaining! Then, after begging for 4 nights, Caitlin finally got her wish of getting to set off fireworks outside. Fireworks have no real law on when they can be set off in Honduras, which is partially why they go off ALL the time, and more so when something big in the country happens. Anyway, I am really glad nobody was taking video of them, because I am sure I would have ended up on America's Funniest Home Videos... they set off a bunch, but one literally came after me. I mean, I was running for my life as it went off on the ground, like it's supposed to do, and then started spewing all over the place and shot RIGHT in my direction! Eek! Everyone had a good laugh at my expense, and now that I lived through it, it was pretty funny. Anyway, then it was only 10:30 or something and Caitlin and I decided it would be best to watch a movie instead of go to bed right away. Luckily, we had been discussing Mary Kate and Ashley movies last week, so she downloaded a bunch. Needless to say, before this weekend ended, we watched three of them. Gotta love it! Oh, and speaking of watching t.v., we also watched Duck Dynasty, which was FANTASTIC! (Caitlin also downloaded a bunch of those, thank GOD!) We also got to enjoy some Pizza Hut in Comayagua again because our friends Nikki and Kenneth randomly get the urge to go there and are always wonderful enough to invite us to go along. You NEVER turn down Pizza Hut trips here. Ever. I rarely eat it in the States, but here, it is a luxury that you don't want to pass up!

Yesterday I literally laid around until about 2 in the afternoon watching another one of my shows from home. Usually I don't like to be that lazy, but this weekend was necessary, and I don't regret a single minute of it. I've had some real quality prayer time to get to pray for my students and the relationships we have and I also have begun better contact with some of their parents, which I think will really help them pay attention in class. I'm looking forward to where that goes.

Speaking of prayers, my grandpa Charlie could really use some. My mom informed me he is most likely going to have to go into hospice care because he is not getting any better. I don't want to go into details, but please just keep him in your thoughts and prayers. It's really hard for me to think I may never see him again. I certainly wasn't expecting that when I left home.

As for me, I could use prayers for learning Spanish. I want to learn it NOW. I know that's not realistic, but I get easily frustrated when I don't get it right away. I know it just takes time, and I AM able to understand more and more on my own, so that's a plus! Also pray for us in these next 4 weeks of this parcial. We have a lot to squeeze in before Christmas break and it is already stressing me out a bit. Again, though, I have to keep giving it back to God because it does me no good to worry about it myself. Plus, I know He's already got it all under control.

God bless!
Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Sinking

Sinking.
Some, actually most, days I feel like I'm doing just that. I know I've said I've had hard days here, but today was without a doubt the hardest. Some of my students went to my principal last week and expressed their feelings about my class. That turned into an all class meeting time where my students all got to speak their peace about the things they don't really like about my class. Gosh, in the spirit of being completely honest, it sucked.

My boss came in and translated for me and my principal talked with the kids about all the somewhat irrational things they didn't like about me. I'm certain God was the only reason I was not only still standing at the end, but still smiling, too. Of course, as soon as it ended I came to my room and bawled for my prep time until I had to put that smile back on and face my last class of the day.


I know first year teachers have it hard, and many teacher friends of mine describe their first as a year from hell. I, however, was just NOT expecting it to be this hard. I thought student teaching was bad. This is harder. Much, much harder.

What I CAN say I'm thankful for is my principal. Even though we speak different languages, she is pretty amazing at supporting her teachers. I mean, every single thing the kids said, she was there to defend me and call them out on how childish they were acting. It was a breath of fresh air to feel that supported by her. Another thing that made that class period easier was hearing a few of my students stick up for me and call the students out for how they act in class. They try to throw ALL the blame on me and two of my girls were NOT having it. I'm so blessed to have students like that. These kids are only in middle school, yet they have wisdom far beyond their years. That is beautiful to get to be a witness to. If no other good ever comes from this year, I know that I've gotten to somehow, although not sure how, touch the lives of some pretty great kids. Maybe all it takes is seeing someone fight through the pain and the struggle. It's literally a miracle in my opinion that any of my students like me outside of the classroom because of how much they see me struggle inside the classroom.

That brings me to my other point. I fully admit to being at fault for some of our classroom issues. I guess the frustrating part is that the kids never really seem to listen when I try to talk to them about that. Some days it feels like all they do, at least a good half of them anyway, is complain to and argue with me about anything and everything. It freaks me out to think I've got this responsibility of teaching them for the rest of the school year. Having said that, it also excites me. I can feel the Holy Spirit in a way I haven't felt Him before. I know I don't know what's ahead of me, but I know who goes before me into each one of my trials.

Just like one of my favorite verses says: "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Thankful for that truth and how I can feel the Spirit moving even right now in THIS moment.

There's been a lot of emotion this year, and with emotion comes crying. At least for me. I think that's what I'm most thankful for, that God lets me vent my feelings with my tears. What's even better is that I know He's catching every one of them.

In Time..

As usual, I have let time get away from me and it's been a few days since I last updated. Since my last blog, I've come to realize a few things, and have been extremely thankful for the chance to be here for this season of my life. God keeps showing me grace, especially when I get really disappointed about how I'm doing in the classroom. I have really high, unreasonable expectations of myself and how I perform, yet God keeps saying "I sent you here, and you just have to trust my reasoning for that. You don't have to work for my approval, I already have a much higher appreciation for you than you do for yourself."

Yes, God's been showing me over and over again how He doesn't expect us to work in order to earn His love. I think we can easily become distracted by that and thinking that we aren't "good" enough. He doesn't care about our actions, He cares about our hearts. So maybe my actions here don't show that I have gained the respect from my students that I feel I should have. Here's the thing, though, the problem isn't that my students don't respect me, they're just used to acting crazy no matter what. I am a FIRST YEAR TEACHER. Clearly I do not know too well yet what I am doing. They find ways to get away with things that experienced teachers would never allow. Yes, I have a lot to learn, but what I've learned already is invaluable.

Two very memorable moments happened for me this week with teaching. First, we had parent meetings on Friday for parents to discuss their students' parcial one grades. It was already an extremely difficult day and I literally went to my room and cried right before those meetings started. As I was ending the meetings, one of my 9th grade girls looked at me and said, "You're a really good teacher, Miss Brenna." My response was of course, "are you being sarcastic right now?" (She's known to be a huge goofball). I will never forget her response: "You're like a warrior. I mean, we act like animals in your class and you still put up with us." Man, if that's the biggest way I ever reflect Jesus in my teaching, I'll take it. I may not know what I'm doing 90% of the time, but these kids notice my effort. They see me trying and not giving up, but little do they know how hard it is to keep going some days. In reality, comments like that are what keep me going. I tell God multiple times a week how I can't do this, how He maybe made a mistake in sending me here. As soon as the thought gets out, I laugh at myself at how ridiculous that sounds. Again, I have to remind myself how He didn't send me here to do a good job, He just sent me here to love people and be like Him. The way I reflect Christ just happens to look very different than what I had in mind. It doesn't make my work here any less important for the kingdom of Heaven. So, in talking about what I'm thankful for, that's another one of them. God never ever calls any of us to be perfect, He just calls us to give it all up for Him and go where He's leading. I know I have a LONG way to go, but I also know I never would have learned the things I'm learning right now if I didn't take that step and follow God down here to Honduras.

I couldn't be more grateful for the way God keeps affirming my being here. I can't tell you in all honesty that every new day that comes to an end leave me in all smiles, but I CAN tell you that I appreciate the amount of love God has for me in order to show me these things about myself and to stretch my faith even more. I've been through really hard times before, as many of us have, and because I have, I know God is going to bring a lot of good out of this season, too. It just might take a while to notice. Until then, I'm enjoying the little moments I get that help me make it through another day.

So, my second memorable moment happened this morning at church when I saw two of my 9th grade boys on the other side of the building and they waved to me. Then, when we were all shaking hands and welcoming people (which really just means Caitlin and me standing there looking socially awkward), one of those boys made his way over just to say hi to me and give me a hug. Again, will never forget that moment. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him, but it shows me that he cares. I keep holding on because God has blessed me with 62 reasons to love my life, and that's only counting my students! Yes, there are definitely times when one of those 62 reasons drives me crazy and/or leads me to tears later in my room, but if that's what it takes to get to those really great moments, then give me those tears. Teaching isn't about feeling satisfied every second of every day with the work you're doing. It's working towards hopefully having those rare moments where you realize what you do matters. That's why I teach. That's why I hold on to Jesus now in a way that I never did before. My students may not ALWAYS show love to me, but my Heavenly Father does. That's more than enough for me.

Not Sure

I realized I had to blog today about something I'm thankful for, and for the first time it's a little difficult. Yes, there are lots of small things that happened today that made me smile and appreciate being here. Overall, though, I feel like a liar when I write what I'm thankful for because I feel very frustrated today. Instead of getting right into what makes me thankful, I want to walk you through a little of how my day is going, although sometimes it seems like every school day is like this...

I'm angry that I don't know Spanish better yet. Yeah, I know, "Brenna, it;s only been 3 months, give it time." I, however, am impatient, especially about this because I just feel like I should be able to communicate a little better. It's harder living in a Spanish speaking country because you just want it to come naturally and quickly because it's around you all day everyday, but it hasn't happened that way for me.

My students...well, sometimes it seems like nothing has changed at all from the beginning of the year until now. I know that is not completely true because I've built some great relationships with many of my students, but as a whole, IN the classroom while I'm trying to teach, I feel like a sinking ship. I wish I could tell you I only have some "days" like that, but the truth is, EVERY day is like that, at least to some degree. I did hear a great little bit of wisdom tonight from my friend, Sue, tonight that I wanted to share. "Know what you knew in the beginning is still true today." God gave me a very clear command that He wanted me here by opening up all of these doors and allowing me to be here. Because of that, I know that I'm STILL supposed to be here, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. It'd be a lot easier to pack up and go home and be surrounded once again by family and friends who are such a great support system. On the other hand, it would break my heart into 62 pieces, because I love these students of mine and what each one of them is teaching me through being here. I would miss every one of these kids in a way I don't even want to think about right now. Shoot, even when we just have extended weekends, I start to miss the little monsters. Okay, they're not ALL monsters, but there is a good number of them that certainly test my patience every single minute.

I also have this messed up view of myself, remember I am a first year teacher, and comparing myself to all the other teachers. None of the other people I teach with here are first year teachers, except my friend, Nikki, but she gets Kindergarten kids, a whole different story. So, having said that, a lot of things are just going to suck for me while I muddle my way through this. So yes, today is TOUGH. This year is TOUGH. It may never get any better at all until my second year of teaching. Even knowing all of that, I also know even more certainly that God is using this. I know, too, that He is okay with me getting upset. It's not a sin to get angry. The sin is when you stay that way and never try to do anything about it. God created us, He knows our inmost parts and our deepest secrets/fears/desires. Even in knowing all of that, He also knows what we can handle or He wouldn't give us the obstacle to begin with. I believe wholeheartedly God gave me this challenge right now because He does know I can take it. He never promised I would look good while doing it. He never promised I would enjoy it even a little bit. He never even promised that I would see the purpose of having this trial until much further on down the road of my life. What He DID promise is that He would be there. I know He's holding my hand, mostly because it's the only reason I keep waking up in the morning to do this job. I know I'm not alone. 

So as I ask myself what I'm thankful for, my answer is above. How great is it that I serve a God who gets me even when all I can muster is the phrase "this really sucks right now"? Only the Lord could still love me through that when I literally have nothing left to give on my own. I don't follow a God who always gives me what I want. I follow a God who always gives me what I need. I can't wait to look back on the other side of this season and see what God did with it. Until then, I'm going to keep waking up every morning and pleading Him to make His presence known to me; to keep drawing me closer; to not let me give up; and especially to hold me when I can no longer hold myself up. 

I'm thankful today to serve the God I serve and to know He understands when I feel angry. Thank You, Jesus, for loving me enough to work through that anger with me instead of leaving me alone.

Duck Dynasty and Being Hopeful

Yes, today I am most certainly thankful for the one and only show... Duck Dynasty! We have always somehow received cable channels on our tv from Miami, FL, but we have NEVER been able to get A & E and watch Duck Dynasty. Caitlin was flipping through the channels tonight and lo and behold, it was playing a marathon on Lifetime! Sweet sweet victory at last! I have definitely missed this show more than any other one from home. The stinky part is that we can't watch episodes online on the website outside of the States, and I'm not a fan of downloading things and risking damaging my whole laptop. Let's face it, it's already in pretty rough shape what with it's non-working screen and all. Anyways, I enjoyed a good hour and a half of my favorite show, with someone else who actually appreciates it the way I do, so it was a really good night.

I guess on a more serious note, today I was reminded how thankful I am for relationships with my students that just continue to build. Today, one of my grade 7 girls came up to me to talk and comment on how "cool" it was that she saw me walking by her house earlier in the weekend. Apparently, to her, I'm cool enough to say hi to outside of school grounds. That's always nice. =) What really touched me was after that, she opened up real quick and told me about a really hard family situation that happened to her this weekend. I asked her how she was doing and she just said point blank: "I'm really not good at all. It's really hard." She's one of those girls that doesn't open up a whole lot, so for her to say that, it really touched me. So those of you reading this who are believers in prayer like I am, please keep her in your prayers. Her family is having a rough time and it's one of those things that wouldn't normally happen so easily if they lived somewhere else. My heart breaks for her, but I'm also hopeful because of the faith we both share in a God who is bigger than all this earthly pain. I'm encouraged to know that every trial is only for a season, and God didn't create rainbows after the rain for nothing, right? God is really really good, and I think we all too easily forget that in the midst of the day to day. Sometimes, when a situation gets too rough for me or seems too overwhelming, it is REALLY hard for me to see God at work or feel like He could POSSIBLY be using this time in my life for the good of spreading His name. Yet somehow, He always surprises me. I know He is at work in my students' lives just the same. For that, I am extremely thankful.

An old friend reminded me of this truth in a beautiful way today... I don't know what my tomorrow holds, but I know who holds my tomorrow.

That's all we really need after all, right?

Three months later...

Whoops! I missed posting yesterday! A bunch of the English speaking people living in Honduras got together at one of the missionary family's house and tried to have a bonfire night. Somehow, whenever we PLAN a bonfire in this country, it always rains on our fun. Then again, it rains a lot here anyways, so that should be expected. Anyway, we ended up having a great time of fellowship and getting to hang out with people we don't normally get to. I am incredibly thankful for the ability to get to know so many people while being here. I also don't usually enjoy playing Apples to Apples, but we played last night and it was actually pretty fun. We also had some FANTASTIC chocolate chip cookies, and ended with some fireworks in the backyard. Fireworks are really pretty, but I'm slightly fearful for my life when they're set off so close to me! Anyway, that's what I'm thankful for from yesterday.

Today, well today marks three months exactly since all of us new English teachers arrived! Woohoo! It's been a great three months of change and faith-stretching and obedience and challenges and heartbreak and laughter and Jesus conversations. It's for sure good to be in Honduras for this season of my life. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else! To celebrate, Caitlin and I went to the place known for having baleadas bigger than your head, literally. Okay, maybe it wasn't to celebrate, we don't really need an excuse EVER to eat baleadas. I am, however, very thankful for those wonderful slices of heaven, and a friend/roommate like Caitlin to spend time with and is usually thinking the same thing as me when it comes to food! Speaking of food, Caitlin and I got a cheesecake from the hospital cafeteria here...don't judge us for the fact that we literally spent 25 American dollars for it. Good news is it's HUGE and is delicious enough to certainly be worth that much. Sometimes, the food here just really surprises you with how fantastic it tastes. =)

Long Distance Communication

Today I'm thankful for being able to talk to my parents via skype. I don't like to do it too often because it just makes this whole long distance living thing harder, but once a week I can handle still. It's getting to those really rough weeks and the break at home is SO close, yet so far!!! It's hard. Totally worth it to be here, but still rough.

I'm also really really excited because I just found out one of my closest friends, Heather, will get to come home to Illinois for break also, so I will actually get to see her!!! I love the community of support I have among my friends and family. Being here would be MUCH harder if it weren't for them. God sure has been good to me.

This Goes out to my Sweet Cousin...

Today I am thankful for rest, and the chance to have it even in the midst of so much going on here at school. After school today, I just really needed to lay down and unwind. It's really wonderful to be able to put everything out of my head for a bit and get the rest I need to face the rest of the day! What's even better is being able to rest in Christ, because I am ALWAYS on the verge of freaking out right before He calms my soul and reminds me to just take it one day at a time and just be obedient in THIS moment, whether I feel like I'm making a difference or not. He has me here for a purpose that I really can't see most days, but most of my missionary work really is just being obedient while here, so that's what I'm doing.


In another note, in honor of her birthday today, I just want to shout out to my cousin, Margo Fields, how thankful I am for her on this 7th day of giving thanks. I cannot tell you how much she means, but I don't know what I would do in life without her. When you think of a great family, everybody needs a family member like her in theirs. I'm lucky to have her, and especially lucky to stay so close to her even though we've never really been close in distance. It's really helpful now that I'm even FARTHER away to be able to lean on her when I need support. She's always my voice of reason, even though I usually still end up doing what she sometimes doesn't agree with me doing. However, whatever I choose, for example moving here, she's always supported me. We may butt heads, but only because we are honestly more alike than I would ever care to admit. =) Hope you've had a great birthday, Margo!!! Love you!!

Feeling Purpose

Today, I have just been really blessed to feel a real sense of purpose in my life here. Some days are worse than others, where I literally don't feel like God could possibly be using me while I'm here. Obviously, I'm wrong, but I'm always the last person to figure that out. God has given me a real passion both for my current work here as well as for all the other opportunities He COULD bring for me here in the future. I can't really explain it because I don't understand it all that much myself, but I do know God has a great plan. I'm just honored to be part of it.

A Lot Happens in Three Years

Today is an easy day to give thanks for. Three years ago today was the day before God took me on an incredibly painful, beautiful, faith-stretching journey. Many of you reading this already know about my blood disorder I was diagnosed with, and it just so happens that it was exactly three years ago tomorrow that the doctor told me I didn't have enough platelets. I love looking back on that time, and on that journey. It was for sure not easy, and I felt like I missed out on a lot when I was sick and having to recover from numerous surgeries (remember, I'm that weird girl who got her spleen taken out twice!) As awful as it felt at times, it was all worth it to me, mostly because I got to experience God's deep love for me. Funny, huh? God's pretty smart like that, giving us hard times and making us end up being so thankful for it. I promise, I had my times of anger, of resentment, of feeling abandoned, of being selfish wishing everybody would feel sorry for me, and also angry because people felt sorry for me. That was a time I never thought would end, that I would somehow be sick forever. While the doctor did not promise me that I was cured after my (second) spleen was taken out, he did give me time. I don't know how much time, obviously, but I do know that I am trying my best to live every minute of my time as a healthy young adult to do things that I could not do if I were still sick. Shoot, it's part of the reason I'm HERE right now! Call me crazy, but as grateful as I am to be healthy right now, there are many times I have that yearning to go back to that time. It's not that I enjoyed being sick, but I did thoroughly enjoy the time I got to be so close to the Lord and depend on Him with everything I am. I try to do that still, but somehow it's easier when we have something wrong with us. The thing I love most about God is that He is always faithful, it just looks different for every person. Thank God for that, how boring would life be if God answered every prayer ever spoken the same way! Sadly, I'm still human, and I'm still just like the Israelites, forgetting to trust God in all of my new challenges. Then, as soon as He begins to answer it, I realize how foolish I was to ever doubt Him. Thank You, Lord, for never giving up on your children, especially in our times of pure human-ness. We won't ever be perfect, but thankfully we serve a GOD who always is!!

God Uses Us As We Are

Day Four of Giving Thanks!

It isn't that I have ANYTHING against my roommates, really I don't. They are great. However, in this house, it's hard to get any time to yourself because we're usually all here, all the time. So, when I have that rare occasion where I'm the only person in the house for a bit, I really enjoy it. Mostly because it means I can play my music as loud as I want and sing along to it super loud and I don't make anyone mad! I jammed to some Kari Jobe music, my favorite to belt along with, and it was really good for my soul.

Then, I was reminded of an old song I really love called As Is, by Peder Eide. Some of the lyrics are as follows:

Moses was a stutterer, David was a murderer, Jeremiah's suicidal, naked in the street 
Paul-y had a problem with specifics left unsaid, 
Timothy had stomachaches, and Lazarus was dead. 
Samson was a long-haired, arrogant womanizer 
Rahab was a scarlet-courted lady on the street 
John the baptist eatin' bugs and honey on his bread 
Gideon a scaredy-cat, Lazarus was dead 

Noah was a drunk man, Abraham an old man, Jacob was a lying man, Leah second best 
Jonah should've followed God but ran away instead 
Martha was a worry-wart and Lazarus was dead

Chorus: 
As is, as is, He chooses us as His 
As His, as His, infuses us as is 
Never ending love transcending on our weaknesses 
No excuses, He uses us as is 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-I3Okfw9YM

Here's the link if you want to listen to the whole song. :)

The point I'm trying to make is how beautiful it is that Christ can use any one of us, no matter HOW big our imperfections may be, to bring glory to His name. The thought sends chills down my spine, especially since there are so many times that I've felt unusable while being here in Honduras. God has proven me wrong every time, though, and He will continue to do so. 

It's No Ringling Brothers...

Day Three of Giving Thanks:

Tonight I got to experience my first Honduran circus...and I can't say I hated it.

Actually, it was kind of great, certainly no Ringling brothers, but for a third world country, I'll TAKE it! Enjoyed some entertaining acts, like a super flexible girl who was twisting her body in ways I never thought it COULD twist. Throw in a dancing girl in a huge Dora the Explorer suit and you're in for some fun! Really, though, Dora was creepy. They had some dogs doing some cute tricks on it's hind legs. (I would just like to point out that MY dog, Bella, has done that without anyone ever having to train her. Clearly, she'd be great in the circus.) An adorable little boy making jokes made the whole thing pretty great. To top it all off, there was a gigantic snake that they laid on one of the side ledges and then TURNED THE LIGHTS OFF! I really thought I was going to die, especially when a well built, grown man literally jumped over the side and momentarily abandoned his family out of his own fear. However, we all made it out alive. Anyway, long story short, if you haven't experienced a Honduran circus, you just don't know what you're missing!

Above all else, I'm thankful for good friends to enjoy this stuff with. Life in Honduras is ANYTHING but dull.

SO many Things to be Thankful for

Alright, Day Two of Giving Thanks....

I kind of have a lot today.

First, I'm thankful for this 4 day weekend we get and not feeling guilty for being less productive than I usually am. Lounging around with my roommate, Caitlin, watching Lifetime movies (yes, that is correct, they pull us in every time) is actually a really good waste of a day.

Second, I love spontaneous trips to Comayagua (a city 30 minutes from us) for PIZZA HUT! (We also got Dunkin Donuts on the way home - equally wonderful!) To go along with that, I'm really thankful for my friends, Nikki and Kenneth Snipes. They're a great newlywed couple who are always fun to spend time with. I love their hearts for Christ and for serving Him by serving the people of Honduras. Kenneth came down here with Nikki even though he didn't have a job lined up. Nikki came to teach at the school, but together they only bring in one income. It wouldn't be SO bad, except Kenneth drives back and forth to another town that is about 25 miles away every day, so they spend a lot of money on gas alone. The way they trust God to provide always encourages me. I'm so thankful to have them as friends here, and to know that long after this time we have together here ends, I know we will not lose touch with each other. Anyways, I just can't say enough good things about them, they're super wonderful people!

Third, I'm thankful for jamming to country music while driving down the road. Yes, I said it. I'm not one of those who LOVES country music, nor do I go out of my way to listen to it, but for some reason I know a lot of the songs and still end up singing along to them. It must be because so many of my friends from back home are all in love with it. Whatever the reason, it felt good to belt the songs out as we drove home from Pizza Hut.

Dios me está enseñando a ser humilde.

For those who don't know Spanish, the title means God is teaching me to be humble.

My whole experience thus far in Honduras has been nothing short of life changing. I don't think I will ever NOT take an important lesson or truth from Christ everyday that I am here. Lately, humility has been a huge thing God has been working on in my heart.

I usually tend to be one of those people who has to have the last word and who gets super defensive if someone tells me I'm wrong. As I've been taking Spanish lessons these last few weeks, I've also learned that I don't like to NOT understand what I'm doing. If there is a word or concept I don't understand, I just hang my head and tell my teacher "I just can't do it! I don't get it!" I think it's even more frustrating here because ALL I want is to be able to converse with the native people in their own language. I enjoy talking to people, yet here, I am forced to be a little anti social because I literally do not know what to say. It's been good, however, to understand a bit of the frustration my own students must have in learning English.

I don't want to tell you that I've gotten to being a "pro" at being humble, but God has definitely raised my awareness of the importance of having this quality. Part of being humble, for me anyway, is to care more about others' needs around me more than my own. As I've been grading work from my students, some of their work required answers that dig into their personal lives. I've gotten to know my kids a lot just by reading their responses. There is a lot of pain they each deal with, and sometimes I forget that. On top of that, some of them opened up about how they feel about me as a teacher. At the beginning of the year, their answers would have hurt my feelings, but now it just shows me that we BOTH have some work to do. Looking back, I haven't always shown them love in the best way, and for that, I need to publicly recognize that with them. They need to know what I'M thinking and how I'M feeling and that we all need to give a little more, not just them. I am glad they are seeing me mess up, though. I hope and pray it's teaching them that nobody is perfect, and that even people who love Jesus can have bad days or get really irritated with other people. I want my life to reflect that of a humble servant of Christ, and it has to start with where my heart is at.

We have a 4 day weekend that I am SO looking forward to making some big changes for our next parcial! We just finished up our first parcial with exams this past week and now we get to work on plans for the next parcial. For me, that means both with the curriculum as well as the behavior. I am still struggling with my one class I told you about before, so if you could please keep praying for these relationships with those kids, that would be fantastic. =) I just want to shine bright for Christ and bring Him glory, even in the messed up package that I may look like some days.

In order to celebrate the month of giving thanks properly, I am going to try my hardest to post something on here once a day for a different thing that I'm thankful for. Today, in honor of my grandma Sue's birthday, I'm incredibly thankful for her sweet cards she sends me in the mail and the way she has been so intentional with checking in on me even though I'm 2,000 miles away now. I'm also thankful for having such a wonderful family that I can look forward to seeing again in about 50 days. It's hard being so far away from home, and it's even harder when you have such great people waiting for you there. However, it just means the reunion with them will be that much BETTER!

To end, I want to share with you what one of my 7th grade boys wrote in his notebook...
" The best place to me is Heaven. It's the most important place to me because Jesus is there."

Worth More Than Gold

Hi again! I know my last post was about how much we're worth, but just a heads up, this post is about the exact same thing.

This just gets me so excited, and lately, it has proven to be something that a lot of my students and friends around me need to be reminded of. Therefore, I want to keep sharing about it. God's been working on my heart a lot and reminding me still how much He loves us. How much He loves me. Again, this is a truth I have pretty much always known, but it is so easy to forget! This week has gone so smoothly and almost well compared to the past weeks of school. That doesn't mean the students have been any better, really, because they have not improved much from before. What HAS changed is my heart. I don't look at them like, "if these kids don't absolutely love me, I'm not doing my job right." Now I see them more as, "if God loves ME as much as He says He does, then He also loves THEM that much." That is a beautiful thought for me, especially since it has started to open up some doors to go deeper with my students. One of my 8th grade girls has shown real interest in getting to know me and has just done a beautiful job of loving me well.

This relationship has only scratched the surface of where God could take it, but man am I excited! I actually get the chance to have some one on one conversation time with her tomorrow after school, where I really just want to pour into her and show her how much God loves her. She's having some "boy issues". Yes, all you women know what I mean. Gosh, it scares me when young girls bring this up, but it's also exciting to get to show her how her worth does NOT come from a boy liking her, but rather from her Father up above who loves her just as she is.

There's certainly something to be said about beauty in the struggle. That happens to be exactly where I am right now. I am in the struggle. However, I'm encouraged to have numerous people tell me that my kids see that struggle, but they also see me still loving them, still working hard, still persevering. James knew what he was talking about in the Bible when he said "consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, for the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its' work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2) I don't just want this truth to be evident in MY life, but in my students' lives, too. I love what God is able to do with us when we just let Him. That's what I want to do, I want to give God the chance to move and all He asks of me is to be flexible and go where He is leading. If God only brought me here to make a difference in ONE kid's life, I am one hundred percent fine with that. Why? Because I get to be a part of the kingdom work of Christ. I am so blessed to work at a place where I get to talk about Christ and be as open about Him as I want to be, and that the kids here are all so open to Him.

I think I may have gotten a little off track from my original intent with this blog, but let's face it: God is just up to a LOT here right now, and therefore I have a lot to talk about!!

Worth More Than We Know

Since my last post, I've been encouraged and challenged to seek Christ in a much different way. I've always been really good at hearing a message at church or from a friend or mentor and understanding it, but not really getting it. Maybe that's because in the times I've heard those truths, I wasn't in a season of my life where I really felt the need to cling to it. Well, you know those students I wrote about last time? They haven't gotten any better. In fact, in some ways, they've gotten worse. Monday did NOT start off the way I wanted it to, which was super tough.

However, before you go thinking that I'm miserable here, just stay with me for a minute. My self esteem always seems to plummet the further in I get with teaching, which stinks, but it's also a reality for many teachers, especially those in their first year! I didn't think I would be able to handle this entire year if this is the feeling I have to battle everyday. Then, God brought up different, beautiful truths for me to hold onto. First of all, I have a big issue with comparing myself with other teachers who are way better at what they do than I am. It even makes swapping "teacher stories" awful because the whole time they're talking, all I can think of is how bad I am at what I do. Even at our Canadian Thanksgiving on Monday night, it was hard for me to dive in because of how much I let the kids get to me earlier in the day. Um, this is a really stupid thing to do. I am slowly learning to not do this to myself, but sometimes I really just can't help it! Another teacher here, James, has given me a lot of advice for my kids, and some has worked and some hasn't. The thing is, his classes go ten times better than mine do because 1) he is a man and 2) he has done this for 3 years already. Then, I look at his ability and think "why can't I do that?" The answer to that is easy: I'm just starting out. Nobody's first year of teaching is a walk in the park. Most days I feel so overwhelmed with work that I don't even have time to cry, which is all I actually want to do sometimes.

Anyway, God has been reminding me not to compare myself. The person He created ME to be is perfect, for right now, for this season. He is going to stretch me and strengthen me in crazy ways this year, and my only option is literally just to cling to Him with all that I have and let Him do it. My dear friend here sweetly reminded me of this verse in Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord, your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing." I love imagining God doing this with me, every moment of every day, especially those moments I'd rather not have to endure in the classroom.

See, when it comes down to it, the world can throw anything at me that it wants to, and satan can do everything in his power to defeat me. None of that changes who I am in Christ. None of that makes me worth any less in Christ's eyes. Friends, I can't tell you how absolutely freeing and refreshing and life-breathing that truth is. In all honesty, I am nothing without Jesus. There is nothing in me that is worth anything outside of Christ. There is not a single special thing about me except Christ. As a result of Christ being where I find my identity, He allows me to have something to offer this world. Something to offer Honduras. Something to offer my students here in Siguatepeque. It is that fact that keeps me going. I want to strive to be rooted in Christ so much so that I am constantly overwhelmed because His presence in my life is so abundantly clear.
                       John 15: 4-5 "Remain in me and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. Yes, I am the vine and you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing."

Firework

As I sit here working on my lesson plans for the week, yes, I've been putting them off all weekend, I keep thinking about the sermon at church this morning. The pastor talked a lot about how every single part of our lives is a testament to our faith. Not only that, but to be living out our mission each day and in all aspects of our day. Goodness, that is a really hard pill for me to swallow. It's easy for me to think that since I'm a 'missionary" here, that I'm always showing God's love in my daily life, but I don't think that's the case. See, I'm having a real struggle with one of my classes this year. Not just your typical problems, but the kind where that class is full of kids who, when all put together, are just a natural struggle. The thing is, many days it seems like I'm the only teacher who struggles with them.

I read their bell ringer journals this weekend, and quite a few kids mentioned how angry I seem in class most days (because they act absolutely ridiculous) and how I never listen to their opinions and I don't really care about them. Clearly, that is not true, but am I really the only person who believes what they say isn't true? Could it be that I am so obsessed with them behaving and telling them to be quiet when I'm talking that I get angry when they don't, and therefore let it affect the way I come off to them? Gosh, I don't want to be that teacher who all my kids just wish would go back to the States already, but I can't help but think that is exactly how a few of them feel. The problem isn't really them, I mean, it is, but it isn't. It's the way I handle them. As I looked back on this week, and the last few weeks really, I haven't been taking this issue to God the way I normally would. I just keep thinking, "it'll get better". Yet it never does. Whenever I'm praying about something, God shows up in ways that I never would have seen Him had I NOT been praying. I want to give this situation, wholly and completely to Christ, trusting that He will work through it.

The one thing, if anything, that I wanted to bring to these kids was the love of Christ. I'm not doing a very good job. Obviously that is because it's been me trying to do it, instead of me letting God have control of the situation. I wanted to post this for two reasons. First, I don't want to come off in my posts like my spiritual life is going well, because clearly, at the moment, it isn't. And second, I want to share this with you so you can keep me accountable. Most of you reading this have other means of contacting me, so I would love it if you could be praying with me about this, and also contact me and ask me how this week is going. Help me keep God in focus, instead of myself. God created community for a reason, no matter how far away we may be, I need some accountability. So, feel free to ask me how I'm doing!

Thanks for listening to my problems, it feels good to get them off my chest. In the words of my campus ministers: "This is going to be the best week ever!" That doesn't mean anything is for sure going to change, except how I view myself and my relationship with God. Plus, when it comes down to it, that's the only thing that matters, anyway. I called this Firework because I've been listening to that song by Katy Perry. I know it's not based on our faith lives, but it totally could be if you think about it. "You're a firework, come on, show 'em what you're worth. You're a firework, come on, let your colors burst!" We should be fireworks for Christ, in whatever it is we're doing. I want to be a beautiful firework, but I can't do that only in my own strength. It's time to re evaluate my heart and make sure it's chasing after things of Heaven, not after things of this world.

Good in the Midst of Struggle

Man, today seemed a little touch and go at times, but as I look back on it, it was a fantastic day full of God's love. It may have just taken me a little longer to notice.

Today was full of sweet little blessings. I got to meet with my new friend and mentor, Sue, and really just vent all my frustrations to her. She lovingly reminded me that, even though I am struggling with some of my students, I can't take it personally. And I also can't expect them to like me. And that is okay. Whew! If I go into it not expecting any kind of deep bonding between them, it makes it easier when they act terrible in class. What's great, though, is that I still have little moments that are great with them.

I've felt so blessed by being here, for instance, I have some really great friends who I get to share life here with, and I have great roommates who I get to do all the mundane stuff with. It's just nice to have people to do that with, instead of on my own. And we also go do totally random, impromptu things! Like tonight, for example, I had literally just gotten out of the shower and my roommate Caitlin and Cristian, one of the other English teachers, were like, "let's go see a movie!"...so we did just that. It's things like this that keep life here interesting and exciting.

I started running again, slowly but surely, since it's been QUITE  a while since running. We literally just run around the school campus, in circles. But, it's better than all the hilly roads! Tonight I had a great run to let off some steam, from the day, SO wonderful. We also have a cook who comes to the house three nights a week to make us dinner. Now, before you go saying how spoiled we are here, cooks are SUPER cheap here, which is why we have one. It's just nice to not have to have peanut butter sandwiches or scrambled eggs from a microwave every night. (None of us in the teacher house are cooks...)

Anyway, just a quick blog to share all the crazy good blessings, and that's just from TODAY! I love life here, even the hard parts. I still miss some things from home, but every day, this life feels more normal. That's exactly how I want it to feel, because it means that, even if I'm doing everything else wrong, I know I'm doing what God wants me to do simply because I am here.

One of my 7th grade boys, who is actually one of my harder kids to discipline, gave me a belated birthday present, which included a pretty necklace that just says "love" on it. Yes, God shows His love for us in all kinds of ways, sometimes He just makes us look a little harder for them. I think He also gives us these great moments or days to give us something to strive for once we have another "harder" day, because we know another good day isn't far off, we just have to keep waiting and obeying. Oh, and my student also got me some bright, rainbow-colored hair clips. Yes, Jesus loves me for sure, because obviously that's my favorite color, anything bright!!

Teaching and Being Taught

I've always loved this truth about teaching: you can't do it without being taught something at the same time. If you know me at all, you probably know how open and willing I am to say I rarely actually know what I'm doing. I am always wanting and thirsting for feedback from others on how I can improve, especially when it comes to my teaching career. This time I've spent in Honduras has been no different. There is always one struggle or another, and I either handle them well or I don't. Luckily, when I don't, there are people who are willing to point that out to me. Gosh, I am so thankful for that.

I have such a great group of people to work with, both of whom have taught for a few years and some who have only just a tad more experience than I do. One my coworkers on the high school side offered his help by observing one of my classes for 8th grade because I kept talking about how I just can't handle their behavior anymore. He gave me some really great tips on how to manage them better and I've been able to put them to good use, hopefully this continues!

Last Thursday was my birthday, so all my friends and I went out for a birthday eve dinner at a super yummy restaraunt I had not been to yet. The best part about this place wasn't even the food, it was the menu. They tried to translate it all into English for tourists and came up just a tad short. For example, they said a baleada was a shot. Ha! If you've read my past blogs, you know why this is funny. =) Anyway, the night of my actual birthday was the first night of a missionary conference for anyone in Honduras, so a bunch of us from school went to that. It was so good to be around other English speakers, and not only that, but we sang worship in ENGLISH!!!! I can tell you without a doubt that this is one of the HARDEST things to go without while being here. Music is a huge part of who I am, so going without it is slightly depressing, or at least going without it in a public worship setting.

Even better than singing songs in English, but the leader even did a Kari Jobe song, Healer, my favorite! Yes, she may not have done it quite the way I most enjoy, but hey, I'll take what I can get! The speaker talked a lot about how we may have to wait, a LONG time, before we ever see our work for God's kingdom come to life. It's always such a good reminder to know that we may really never see what goes on in someone else's heart this side of Heaven. That only makes me more hopeful and excited for the work we do here, though. I think I've said it before, but sometimes the work here seems very mundane. Man, it's hard to accept that simply BEING here is my missionary work. He sent me. He knows what I need. And He knows how He's going to use me. However, I don't always do such a great job of receiving that truth. So this conference came at just the right time for my heart.

I honestly feel like God's been teaching me so much lately that I don't even know how to process it all. It was a huge encouragement to see how much love I received on my birthday, though. All my kids came up and sang to me and made me cards and brought me treats and showered me with kindness. What a day!! My dear friend, Lauren, even made me some peanut butter covered brownies! Yum!! And I got to read some great cards from family and my best friend. Certainly a great birthday in my book.

Right now, in my 9th grade class, they're reading a book that is all about faith, but it is presented in a non-Biblical way. This may sound terrible, but it provides some honest to God GREAT discussion. The amount of deep conversations I get to have with them is mind blowing. Now they are writing essays about what they believe about God and that was just as fantastic to get to think through things with them and then read what they personally believe. I love it. Seriously.

Tonight, after school we had an English teacher meeting, without our English Program Director, Silvia, because she is still sick. She will hopefully be well enough to come back this week, as she is feeling much better. That would really be a great thing for you to pray about, though, because she has been super discouraged not being able to be here and lead in the capacity that she is so used to doing.

I also had my first Spanish lesson tonight!! I thought my teacher would speak a fair amount of English since the Seminary, where I am going for lessons, knew how LITERALLY beginner I am. BUT, she barely knows any English. I think it ended up being a good thing, hard for sure, but good! It forces me to really listen and try even harder. I'm feeling overwhelmed a bit with the amount of work I have to get done for classes and such, and now adding Spanish lessons, it will be an adjustment. I am learning a ton about time management, though. It's sad, really, you would think I learned this a long time ago, but now it's like I'm relearning this, along with many other things, all over again.

As hard as it is being here and doing this life at times, it is SO worth it. Why? Because I know I'm smack dab in the middle of God's will for me right now. All I know to do some days is just be. I don't have to be great, I don't have to be perfect, and I certainly don't have to have all my stuff together. Thank. God. The Lord has shown me so much about what it means to be away from my "norm" and still be intentional with those that are important to me. In addition to that, He's shown me how to be more intentional with the people He's placed in my life right NOW.

I better run, as I've still got a lot to get done tonight. Not only is God cleaning out some of the junk in my life emotionally, but He's also working on me cleaning out the junk that is all over my floor. Yep, not sure how it is possible to STILL have a messy room when I literally have a tenth of the things I normally have at home, but either way, it's driving me crazy and I have to stop putting it off. Adios y buenas noches! I'm not sure if that is accurate, but I think it means goodbye and good night! =)

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. - Philippians 1:6


Much Love and Blessings,

Brenna B.

It's Been a While...

Hi friends! I would like to start out by apologizing. I did NOT mean to go this long without blogging. I promise I will never go this long again without updating you all! The last three weeks have been a little bit of a blur, mostly because I got a cold, that turned into an even more serious thing (I'm much better now) and then we lost power for quite a while, and then I left town for a couple of days, and then we lost internet at our house! We actually still don't have internet, but the school internet works pretty well for us most of the time. It's not the greatest, but it's something. 

Since I have so much to catch you up on, yet I really don't want to bore you, I will just give you some highlights:

The three of us teachers at the Teacher House hosted a bonfire, that got rained out and we all hung out inside instead, but still tons of fun! I got to meet all kinds of other white missionaries, which did my soul a lot of good. It's crazy to me how many North Americans (and English and Canadian) missionaries are down here! AND I keep meeting more! Anyway, it was wonderful getting to know them and hear their stories of what led them here.

The next night, the English teachers were invited to another missionary family's house for dinner: homemade lasagna. YUM! It was great because Sue, who is also the mother of one of my 8th grade students, wants to make sure we all are spiritually taken care of, so she wants to meet with us one on one and provide us with whatever support we need while we're here. In other words, she's like my campus minister from back home, which is absolutely wonderful. =)

My biggest struggle lately has been with my students. It amazes me how much I can love them and yet also be so frustrated by them! I've been brought to tears many days since first arriving, and mostly because I feel like I am failing my students. That hurts my heart quite a bit. It's hard being a first year teacher. It's even harder doing it in a foreign country where their disciplinary rules are completely different from ours at home. Having said that, though, my students are all so great, and I thoroughly enjoy getting to know them better as the days go by. I love their hearts for Jesus and how eager they are to learn  and talk about Him!

My students really encouraged me, though, as last Tuesday was Honduras' Children's Day. The way the high school celebrates this is by going to an under privileged school and showing the kids there a really good time. I was with my 7th graders all day, and they made me so proud with the way they loved those little kids and did their best to make them happy. It was especially great when I asked one of my girls if she was having fun and she said, "no, I'm so bored." The funny thing was, she was the one who looked like she was having the most fun. It just goes to show they really know how to act mature and put on a happy face even when they don't want to. It's the same with all of us. There are plenty of things we have to do that we don't really want to do, but God calls us to glorify Him, and we can't do that with a bad attitude. Plus, it's during those harder times when we really get to see God in action and enjoy Him at an even deeper level.

As I said earlier, I started to get a cold at the beginning of last week, and by last Friday, I was barely able to make it through the school day. My friend, Doris, who is one of the librarians, took pity on me when I asked if she'd take me to the hospital after school. Of course, since she's one of the kindest people I've ever met, she didn't hesitate to say yes. Now, before you get nervous, when we say "hospital" here, it is nothing like in the States. It is more for any need, like an Urgent Care, if you will. Any health issue you have, this is where you go. The benefit of working at the school is that any and all of our medications are covered! So, I got an appointment with the doctor, a blood test, all my medications, and even a Penicillin shot (in my buttocks, no doubt) all for free! Talk about a blessing! For those wondering, my platelets are doing great still. =) And I found out I had a bacteria in my blood that was best dealt with by getting a Penicillin shot. I can't say I've ever had one of those and I really can't say I'd like to ever get another one. They are super uncomfortable. If nothing else, though, I provided a good laugh for the lady who injected it in me! 

Thankfully, I started to feel well enough to join my good friends on a trip to Copan to enjoy our two days off from school after we had our annual Independence Day parade! I love being in Honduras, but being in Copan made us feel like we weren't even in Honduras anymore. I mean, sometimes you really have to get far away in order to fully relax. So that is exactly what we did! Copan is 5 hours away and all the streets are cobblestone. It is so wonderful there, and so peaceful since we went when not many people were visiting. Our hotel (which only cost $25 for 2 nights!) had this great rooftop area where we could sit and play cards, journal, lie in a hammock, drink coffee, soak our feet in a little pool, or just enjoy the view. We felt spoiled, to say the least. Like my friend, Lauren, said, it's the most relaxed any of us have felt since the school year began. It gave me some great alone time with God to just be open and honest about how I'm feeling about my new life. 

The best thing about being here for this long is that it really does feel like home now. I know this is where I belong. The moment that God solidified that for me was Wednesday when we resumed classes and one of my 7th graders was out sick. The kids told me he has dengue (a really bad disease that can be life threatening, caused my certain mosquito bites) and weren't sure how bad his was. We've been practicing memorizing some verses from 1 John that talk about how if we do not love, we do not know God because God is love. We did our motions that we made up and then I asked the kids if we could pray as a class for Luis, the student who is sick. They all were so willing to do it, and one of the girls even volunteered to open us up in prayer. It was just what I needed to be reminded that I may not be doing very well in the department of teaching them academic things right now, but when it comes to God, He's leading me into such amazing opportunities for my students to have a fuller relationship with Him, it's such a beautiful thing.

Not only that, but my 9th grade class is reading a book right now all about how you have to follow all the "rules" if you really want to be saved. It's brought up some great conversation about how it's not about the rules at all, but about our hearts and that we seek Christ in everything we do. It always blows me away when the kids answer in a way that I can just tell "they get it". I can't wait to see how the rest of this year plays out. Even more so, I can't believe God chose me to come down here and live this life for a year. I certainly do not deserve it. If anything, that would be the theme of my life thus far while being here: I don't deserve to be living it. God has humbled me in so many ways. Being in a country where you can't speak the language and you can't drive a car and you can't do a lot of the things that were almost second nature to you back at home, it forces you to rely on others. Even more so, it forces you to be okay with relying on others. I have had to ask for help more times than I would like to admit, but never once has it ended badly. If anything, it strengthened my relationships with the people involved, and especially with Jesus. I can't do this life on my own, and I never want to. 

We all need community. Even 2,000 plus miles away, we all still need community. Today, my momma had to put our dog, Josephine, to sleep because her health had gotten so bad. If there were ever a time a really, really wanted to go home, it would be today. I hate that I can't be there with my mom. However, I am extremely grateful for friends and family who CAN be there for her. My best friend, Kristin, knows how to love me even with all this distance. She went and spent time with my mom today and on top of that, I was able to Skype with them! My dad was there, too, so it was really great to be able to see them and talk to them. Especially today. I know what I'm doing here is not going to last forever, and in the span of my whole life, it could be very short, but I want to be able to enjoy every minute of it. That's hard to do when something like this happens, but I know that I serve a God who never leaves us or forsakes us. He doesn't leave me, He doesn't leave my mom, and He certainly doesn't leave anyone else, either. It's okay to not be in more than one place at a time, as much as I would like to, I know that God has all aspects of my life under control, even the ones I can't be a part of right now.

Having said that, it reminds me of my 9th graders. They are working on writing an essay on what they believe about God. One of the girls wrote that "I am his little girl". Yes, yes indeed! We are all His children and He longs to take care of us and show us how deep His love for us goes. Any struggle we may face, whether it is with our family, our friends, money problems, health issues, anything. All God wants to do is take us in His arms and tell us how much He loves us and that if we let Him take the lead, we will have everything we need. I'm trusting in that truth today. I'm praying you are, too. I can't imagine living this life without the hope of knowing that one day this world will pass away and we will get to spend eternity in Heaven with our Father, our Creator, the One who loves us more than we could ever possibly imagine. While I wait for that day, I'm trying to remember to live each day in obedience. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to fix everyone around me. I don't even have to be good at what I do. I just have to obey. I'm still figuring out what that looks like, but I think I understand it a little better every day.  There are so many things I can't change, even more so since living here. I really have no choice but to "let go, and let God". 

God Bless!

Don't Sweat The Small Stuff

Did you know I've already been in Honduras now for more than three weeks? Yeah, I didn't either until I looked at the calendar. Boy, time has been flying by! It's to the point where my days start looking more routine, so I don't really know what to share with you because it doesn't seem like anything new to me now. However, I'll try my best anyway. =)

Anyone back home who even knows a little about me knows that I have a lot of technology issues, mainly because I decided a long time ago that technology hates me. Well, sadly enough, my problem followed me to Honduras. My screen on my laptop went dead on me the other day. Talk about a freak out session. Me being the uneducated computer person that I am sat in my room and cried because I didn't think I'd be able to do my job OR talk to anyone from home. My world felt like it was caving in a little.

Then, my wonderful roommate, Sarah, told me this same thing has happened to her multiple times while she's lived here and also told me how to hook up my laptop to the t.v. screen. What? I seriously had never heard of this. Anyway, as I write, picture me hooked up to a t.v. screen that my new friend, Cristian, let me borrow. In other words: crisis averted. I also have another new friend, Doris (one of the librarians) who knows a guy who can fix my problem! Talk about God having my back. It's the little things like this that make me feel so blessed.

On to a different topic, one of my favorite things to do here is to go to church. We go to one called Celebracion, and there are a few reasons why I love it so much. First of all, it's not just a church, but during the rest of the week, it operates as a coffee shop! We went there a couple nights ago and I swear they have better tasting frappucinos than Starbucks. Yum! We got them at the perfect time, too, because I was just wishing I could have a Starbucks drink. 

It must be the country, and the fact that I really appreciate everything a lot more being here, that makes me really enjoy my quiet time with God in the mornings. It's so nice to go to bed so early that waking up at 5:30 isn't even a struggle. It gives me plenty of time to block out the rest of my worries and focus on the one who created me. I've been reading in Romans and just finished up and was searching for a new book to read when I saw my campus ministry back home, Christian Student Fellowship, is reading through the book of Proverbs this month. I decided it'd be pretty nice to join them in that, plus it's been a while since I read through all of them.

I finally got a new camera, and funny enough, it's even better than my lost one! And it's my favorite color. =) I also enjoyed a great smoothie date with my new friend, Lauren. It's been so wonderful to make new friends so far away who share the same passion for Jesus as me. I'm continually thankful for the example I was given during my years at college and showing me what living in community with others actually looks like. It's a lot harder to be intentional when you're always busy with work here, but it's certainly not impossible, and most definitely required in order for me to continue to thrive here.

I think my biggest adjustment currently is to stop sweating the small stuff. The Bible verse from Matthew (I think?) comes to mind when Jesus talks about how He feeds the birds, so why are we worried that He won't take care of us even more abundantly? I need that reminder, because in the midst of one of many small trials throughout my day, it's easy to think "Really, God? Why are you making me go through this?" Sometimes I selfishly think that because I came here at ALL is enough of a challenge, so why does He have to throw more obstacles in my way? I quickly remember how silly that way of thinking is. I'm so grateful to be here and doing what I love, no matter how tough the kids are to manage at times. I try to imagine living at home right now instead, and it doesn't even make sense in my mind. This is where I HAVE to be right now. 

Thanks for listening to me ramble on about my life and minor daily problems. Sorry this was a longer post than normal, turns out I did have a lot to say after all! Praying this can be some encouragement to you with whatever it is you may be going through right now. Just remember, God's got your back, even when you may not believe that. He hasn't gone anywhere just because we can't "feel" Him. It just means we have to dig a little deeper to find Him.

Nothing Is Wasted

Hi again!

We started school on Wednesday! However, when I say “started”, I mean we had a welcome ceremony and the kids played games and did different activities all day, which was real only a half day. I wasn't sure how I felt about this setup at first, but looking back, I'm glad we did it that way. It gave me a chance to meet my kids outside of the classroom and see what they are like around each other. I also got to see who my “troublemakers” would be. I'm not too worried about them causing any real trouble, though. The worst thing any kid does is talk too much and goof off. I'll take that any day over being rude to other classmates and picking fights with them.

I'm really excited to finally have my own class, mainly because during student teaching, you don't usually get to start the year with the kids. When they're yours, you get to have them from beginning to end. =)

I've always been hard on myself about classroom discipline, mostly because I've never felt like I am very good at it. Yesterday was the first day of classes, and it was a lot of ups and downs. I felt good about my 9^th grade class in the morning, and also with my spunky little 7^th graders, but as the day went on, I started feeling like I should just pack up and go home. In order to understand what my day looks like, you should know how the high school classes work. Instead of the teachers each having their own room and the kids going from class to class, the students each have their own classroom in which the teachers travel to to teach. You see, our school isn't very big, I believe around 80 kids total in the high school side. My 7^th grade class is 25 and my 8^th and 9^th graders are around 15 each, give or take a couple (we don't have finalized class lists yet).

The thing I really like about this, however, is that I can have each grade two and sometimes three times a day, just not all together. I thought this was terrible at first, but now I see its' benefits. My 7^th graders are really great...in the morning. After lunch all you can do is pray they take a little away from the lesson. So, I now know that when planning, I want to do the more important teaching in the morning, so they have a better chance of soaking in the material. The bad thing, though, is that I may never actually get used to this schedule since it changes every parcial (their term for quarter).

All in all, I know my biggest struggle will be dealing with behavior issues, but I also have learned from the past to give myself some grace, especially since I am known to take it personally when I mess up once and think it's the end of the world. That's what I love about teaching, it, like many other jobs, allows you to start fresh the next day and improve from the day before. I just need to stay positive, no matter how bad the situation is. For example, yesterday I was supposed to be teaching an 8^th grade class at 12:30 because of a new schedule change they made. The only problem was they didn't tell ME about the change. I went in unprepared because I forgot my materials at the teacher house in a rush to get to class. The class could tell I wasn't ready, and while they helped come up with a good game for us to play, I feel like it took away some of my authority figure. Today more than made up for it, though, because we played a great game of getting to know each other. In short, there was a lot of running to each others' desks so we didn't have to be stuck in the middle telling all about ourselves. I think the kids got a lot out of it with seeing how I am, and that's what was most important.

I am really looking forward to getting to share Jesus with them in class. Not only that, but I hope to share my story with them, too. God has never let me forget how beautiful of a story He is writing in my life. I mean, this time a couple years ago I was suffering from a life-threatening blood disorder. And now I'm in Honduras for a whole year!!?? The ONLY way that could ever happen is by God Himself. I've been really encouraged this past week with the words from the book of James. My best friend Debra shared these words with me during my student teaching and I am so thankful to still have them to look back on now. In the Message version, the beginning of James 1 goes like this: “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.” Pretty great, right? Before school started, I just felt very lost and like I had no business being here. I didn't see my purpose yet because I wasn't teaching yet. I really wanted to go home. That, my friends, would have been a shame. If I had, I never would have gotten to see why God placed me here. Actually, I still don't fully know why, but it's becoming a little clearer each day.

I am beyond grateful for my past, because it has led me to my future, to my “right now”. I would never have wanted to miss this! All the bumps and bruises along the way (literally) were worth it for me to be here now. It's going to be a hard year. But it's also going to be full of God. I'm so glad I get to share it with you, too! Maybe you needed to hear those words from James today, too. If there's something really difficult you're dealing with, keep pushing through it. From plenty of past experience, I know God will not let it go to waste. 

Getting Settled In

I've now been here for five full days and still loving it! I don't really know where to begin, so I'll start with my favorite thing: food. Honduras is known for these little gems called baleadas (ba-lee-a-da). They're basically a tortilla with mushed red beans, eggs, mantequila (sorry Spanish speakers, I have no clue how to spell that, but it's their version of sour cream), and cheese. First off, Honduran cheese is NOT like the cheese we're used to in the States. It's *super* salty. I've learned to get my baleadas withOUT cheese, and man is it heavenly! Seriously, I know I won't be leaving here for a while, but I'm already sad thinking about not being able to have these whenever I want! That's one great thing about the food here, it's so cheap!!

I went with a couple of my roommates and the other teachers to get dinner and then see a movie, and it only cost $4.50 all together! The average size of a baleada here is, well, rather large, so it's plenty to fill you up. We went to see Monsters University afterwards. Granted, it was in Spanish so I couldn't understand 99% of it, but it was still really cute!

We started orientation on Monday and have enjoyed getting to know each other on the staff this year and doing a lot of group bonding activities. It has been much appreciated and definitely helping me feel more at ease with this huge life transition. As I type this, it is raining, once again. I usually do not enjoy the rain in the States, but I love it here. It just reminds me of how God cleanses us and renews our spirits. Another thing that happens here a lot is barking dogs. All. The. Time. Especially right when I am trying to go to sleep at night. I like it, though, because it reminds me of my dog, Bella. But, seriously, it's sad that most dogs here just live off the streets, so they don't have an owner telling them to be quiet or to come inside. They do, however, make a really great alarm clock in the morning!

I've been more amazed than ever with the way technology works these days. I've been able to talk to all of my friends and family back home almost as if we were still in the same country. It's the little things that make my days here easier. It also helps that all the girls I live with have been through the exact same thing as me before and know how to encourage me. They also don't mind if I just burst into tears on the spot. It's going to be a really, really good year, of that much I am sure. I love the staff here and how Christ-focused we all are. It makes this transition SO much better.

School starts next Wednesday, and if you are praying for me, that is what you could pray for, and not just me, but all of us teachers here. It is going to be stressful, and difficult to let go of our own expectations and respect the Honduran culture, but, it'll be great! Other than that, there isn't much new happening here. In fact, in many ways, it's like I'm still at home! I still eat peanut butter sandwiches, watch North American cable from time to time (we're not sure how we got that, but alas, we have it. What are ya gonna do?) , and I'm still on the internet a LOT in my downtime. We have extremely reliable internet here at the house, and for that I am thankful.

Oh, and for those wondering about my backpack? My boss's parents went looking for it and nothing had turned up. There was a chance it could still be there, but they wouldn't say over the phone. The only way I could find out was if I went to the airport (two hours away) myself and then there was still the chance that it wasn't even there. My only chance to go was during the first day of orientation, so I decided to let it go. It got me thinking why I came here. It wasn't so I could have all my stuff here with me. It was to serve Jesus by serving these kids and this school as a whole. I couldn't really do that if I missed orientation. God is good, though, as I still ended up with all the necessities in all of my other bags. Yes, I;m sad about losing it, but life goes on and I forgave myself for losing sight of it. I'm looking forward to starting this school year and really diving in to the Honduran lifestyle!!

Thank you for your prayers and all of your support. It is so comforting to know I have so many people back home who love and care about me so much. Ready for the Lord to stretch my faith in unthinkable ways this year!!!

Hello From Honduras!!

Hello From Honduras!!

Well, I made it finally! I had a lot of issues as soon as we were ready to board to Dallas from Springfield, they said there were maintenance issues and we had a 2 hour wait. I literally just started bawling right there on the spot. But the lucky thing was I got to go back out and sit with my sweet friends who came and my mom and dad.

It ended up taking off only an hour late, so as soon as we landed in Dallas, I booked it for my terminal and as I was checking to make sure it was the right flight, I hear "final boarding call for flight 640!" Talk about a close call! I had a little more time when we touched down in Miami, but not much after walking all over the place. The list of flights said my flight was at terminal J2, funny thing was, the map DIDN'T HAVE A J2!

But I finally found signs pointing me toward it so I kept following them until they pointed to a check in, except that was obviously NOT where I was supposed to be! Let me preface that I was/ have been an emotional wreck all week leading up to this. So it should not surprise you that I again broke down in the middle of this airport, which isn't signed very well at all, and all I wanted to do was scream for someone who could understand English!! It was rough.

However, then some guys did help me and I made it through security check and found my flight. I also had a hard day because all I'd had to eat was half of a cheese stick at like, 5:30 in the morning! I didn't eat again until 3! Thankfully I had a little time before leaving for the Honduras flight. I grabbed a granola bar and got on the plane. All the plane rides themselves were fine, but getting to them is possibly one of the worst things ever. But, when you're alone, it forces you to just deal with it. So, I did!

I got off and met Lauren, another English teacher, and Doris, one of the librarians, as well as James, another new English teacher. We got to the school around 7:15 (which feels like midnight here because it gets pitch dark at 6:30 every night!) and had pizza from the local grocery store. It seriously tasted just like American, only the Hondurans use better sauce, I think! =) I got to meet all the other English teachers and some of the Hondurans as well. It feels so good to really be here and meet everyone, even though it's still scary when I think about how far away I really am! But, that is to be expected, and luckily, I have three girls I live with who all have their homesick moments, so it's really okay.

So, a terrible thing I discovered AFTER we were in Siguatepeque (the town I now live in, eek!) was that I somehow FORGOT my backpack at the airport. The airport is two hours away from Sigua (what everyone calls this town, you know, because it has such a long name), so we tried calling and didn't get any answer, but will try again today and see what happens. I have all my really important things, but it stinks, my camera, my ipod, my favorite Bible, letters from friends, and just daily essentials were all in there.) If you could be praying about that, it would be great. =)

I would attach pictures with this, buuuut, like I said, my camera is gone, at least for the moment. What I really wanted to end on today, though, is this: I've always thought when I get into sticky situations that I was so lucky to have someone there to help me. Much like today, with not knowing where to go in the airports and not knowing what to do when my very first flight was delayed. I always tend to think how incapable I am, but that's because I AM. I 'm not supposed to be able to do everything without needing help, none of us are. It wasn't luck that found me when I needed guidance getting to my next destination, it was God. I love how He shows up in so many random people just for me, even if they may never know it! God places each person in our path for a reason, so I really want to remember that, especially with my time In Honduras. It like the English Program Director, Siliva, says "It's not a coincidence we are here." I'm so glad she thinks that, because it's been a motto of mine ever since I first found out about this school.

Today, we're getting a tour of Sigua and going to the market, and also hopefully getting cell phones we can use in Honduras. Oh yeah, speaking of phones, that was also in my backpack. Even if I do get it back, which I really hope I do, I won't be using it to call anyone on, and I will only be texting very minimally. So if you want/need to reach me, use Facebook or twitter or my email (brennab2989@yahoo.com). For those of you wanting to know how to send packages/letters to me, I will post that in my next blog. It's only 6:10 here and I didn't get much sleep to begin with, so I'm going to try to rest some more before my first full day here!

Love you all and thank you so much for the prayers and support you're given me. It makes it harder to be so far away because of how wonderful my community of friends and family are, but it's still wonderful.

Until next time,
-Brenna B.