My Biggest Fear

I titled a journal entry of mine this not long after first getting back from Honduras last year. It's not long, so I will share it here so it can forever be somewhere else besides just in my little book. I say this because I think it's important to say what we feel and be honest about the junk we have. If we don't do that, we run the serious risk of living OUTside of community, which is NOT where God wants us. So, here goes, the hardest words I ever wrote are probably these words that follow:

7-18-14 My Biggest Fear

"My biggest fear is that God already used me and my purpose was already fulfilled. My biggest fear is that I'm never going to be good at loving strangers. My biggest fear is I may never go back to Honduras full time. My biggest fear is I will never stop comparing myself. My biggest fear is I will always keep driving when someone is asking for help on the side of the road. My biggest fear is being lost here forever."

Yeah. So these words were my honest fears, and in little ways they still are. As you can see, my biggest (singular) fear is actually a whole bunch because there is no way to be less afraid of one of these happening over another. They all terrify me. Or at least they used to.  Here is what I've learned about my life since these words were penned. First of all, if we were done being used by Christ, then the next obvious step for Him would be to call us Home because our earthly work is done (at least that's how it works in my mind, and in the words that I know in the Bible). As far as not loving strangers? Well, I realize God gives me that ability just about every single day. I mean, shoot, in a couple weeks I am moving into a house to love a whole bunch of strangers in the neighborhood and show them Jesus simply by the way my roommates and I live our lives for Jesus. I think the fear of loving strangers well is pretty silly in retrospect, but ya know, everybody has those moments of fear and uncertainty. Clearly that day was one of mine. Being in the midst of a tough transition is also never helpful with trying to understand what your life will look like in this new season.

Man, this next one is fair to say that it used to really be my biggest fear. Living in a country other than Honduras used to scare me in a way that nothing else ever could. However, once again, I have experienced a lot of growth in this season in the States. A season that looks like there will be consecutive ones in which I am still here. And guess what? I am okay with that. Finally finally finally I am at a place where not being in Honduras is okay. Not great, but okay. And my life here is thriving. I am no longer in survival mode in terms of getting through each day here. I have found new ways to stay connected to my precious kiddos and friends still in Honduras. I love social media so so much because of the ways it has allowed me to still love my kids. And mail there really isn't as bad as it is in some places, so when I send stuff, it EVENTUALLY gets there. So sending love in a package isn't totally out of the question, either. :)

God has shown me that HE is at the core of those relationships, NOT the locations we all have. I can be over 2,000 miles away and still they know how much I care and even more importantly how GOD cares, because that has always been their foundation in life, too. Like I said, living in community is a beautiful thing, so seeing it live and active in multiple countries is even sweeter.

Comparing myself, well, I finally feel like I am better and better at NOT doing this. I still have my moments, though, trust me. When I want to compare myself with others, I choose to look at Christ instead, because if I am going to compare myself with anyone, it really should be Him, right?

I am still trying to figure out how to love people on the side of the road well. It will be a constant lesson for me, but for now I am in the "praying for opportunities" stage. I am still human, so I still miss those opportunities a lot. We're never finished growing, thank God, since I still have so much to learn.

Being lost here forever. This one is very interesting to me in so many ways. First, since we don't belong here, we weren't created for this world, IT'S OKAY TO FEEL LOST HERE. Please hear that if you hear anything from all of this. This life is not about figuring it out. It's about LIVING it out. Just do life, whatever that looks like, and let God keep showing you the way to new and different things along the way. Don't stand still just because you don't know your next step. I don't even know for sure my own next step, but since God has sort of given me a direction for this next season, I am going to follow that until He shows me something else.

'If you haven't lost Christ, child, nothing is ever lost."
(Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts)

Thanks for listening to my thoughts. Chances are most reading this are people I am blessed to be in community with in one way or another. So, for that, I thank you.

Year 2014: I Swear I Lived

The last few days I have been thinking so much about all the joy and laughter and heartache and pain and beauty and love that has been all over this year. It's been unlike any other. Mainly because it's the only year of my life that has been half spent in Honduras and half in my Springfield "home".

I think it's really therapeutic to journal, and I wanted this to be seen by more than me, because it is too precious not to share what all God has done. I rang in last year with two of my closest friends, and as the year progressed, they came to visit me in my beautiful Honduras for a week, which was easily one of the best of my existence. Then, after coming home, to find out my best friend, same one to share Honduras with me, is HAVING A BABY. There is no greater joy than children. AND that my other sweet friend who shared in Honduras with me is getting MARRIED! Only one of the many reasons this year was so wonderful.

My kids in Honduras gave me a serious run for my sanity. I made countless journal entries about how hard they made my life, mainly in the classroom, but ya know what? Outside of the classroom I bonded with and got to love those kids in a way I never have before. My heart now breaks a little bit on a daily basis knowing the time just keeps getting longer that it's been since I'e seen their faces, hugged them tightly, or just let them laugh and think I'm crazy for my "awesome" sarcasm and jokes. It's been 6 months. This song, I Lived, by One Republic, puts it beautifully:

"Hope that you fall in love and it hurts so bad.
The only way you can know, you give it all you have.
And I hope that you don't suffer, but take the pain.
Hope when the moment comes, you'll say:
I did it all. I did it all.
I owned every second that this world could give.
I saw so many places and things that I did.
Yeah, with every broken bone, I swear I lived."

I did fall in love. I fell in love with every part of Honduras and every child I taught and every friend I made and every moment I had. Yep, even those sucky ones. I went places and challenged myself. I lived a life I could only have dreamed of before. Now, I would do it all over again and again.

I experienced for the first time what it REALLY means to love people unconditionally, but I don't think I truly learned it until I left. It's amazing how much I yearn for those moments when I thought I would have to give up and go home. Those were the moments that meant the most because they defined who I was in Christ. Who I AM in Christ. I came back to the States, after spending my last few days with some of my students, just being their friends, and I got to meet my Compassion kid, Omar. I mean, seriously, how many people get to do THAT? I spent the day with my friend, Ema, on her birthday, because she asked me to. I made some kind of imprint on her life, but she made a much bigger one on mine, along with every other kid I had the absolute pleasure of teaching for a year. I watched The Fault in Our Stars with my friend, Itzel, in Spanish, and cried over the MULTIPLE conversations I had with her and so many other girls about that book. I miss those days so much. I miss their joy and their love and their compassion. I also see it every day now, though, in the different kids I teach every day. They are with me wherever I go, whether they know it or not.

I've never been a very cool traveler, but I must say, after coming back from Honduras, I did quite a good amount of it! It started with a pretty impromptu trip to Ohio and then Canada to hang with my roomies! I don't do things without a lot of thought, but this was such an easy thing to say yes to, and, why not? Spending time with both of them in their "other homes" was so great! Witnessing those friendships continue on even after Honduras, that is beautiful to me.

In subbing this school year, I have seen so much joy in the kids I am with every day. I love it, even though they are also a good percentage of straight up crazy, after all I AM just a sub. :)

Next up was Washington D.C. Everyone who knows me knows my reason for going was not anything political. It was all about the pandas for me! However, we did go see all the sights that you must see while there, and I got to hang out with my mom, grandma, and cousin/ best friend, so it ended up being one of the best trips I've ever been on. All because of a panda. :) You're welcome, family.

Last was New Orleans, a rather rash decision solely based on wanting to hang out with my Nashvillian friend, Amanda, and because plane tickets were super cheap! Visiting the cemeteries, and getting kicked out of them, along with all the wonderful food and beautiful scenery, another trip that delivered way more than expected.

To wrap it up, I got to have Thanksgiving with my family again, and laughing with them is one of my absolute favorite things on the planet. Christmas was also great being with them and not feeling rushed this time because I didn't have to say goodbye to them in a few days. (Although most days if it weren't for money stopping me, I'd be on a plane to Honduras every month probably)

The best thing that is wrapping up my 2014 is where I will be living in Springfield soon. Much more shall be explained later, but just know, God is up to some pretty awesome stuff even right here in Illinois. He's placed me here, and with the love of Honduras and all the lives that touched mine, I take that love and the love of Christ into the world. A lot has happened this year, and, I swear I lived.