Holding My Hands Open

A hammock. A good book. A beautiful view. Swinging back and forth in my happy place. That's what sticks out most from the last few days we had in Tela, one of the beach towns in Honduras. Experiencing places like this in Honduras just makes me further question, "Why on earth am I LEAVING?" Well, as much as I love you, Honduras, you won't last forever. No place will. And I'm grateful. The only place I want to last forever is in Heaven with my Jesus.

I was able to really quiet my life down while we were away by disconnecting from the internet and (most) t.v. Hey, I still had to keep up with some soccer, alright? Truth is, the times I'm most alone are the best times for Christ to speak to me. There's this seriously fantastic book, A Thousand Gifts, that I can't keep my hands off of, and yet it's still taken me forever to devour. Probably because I'm a notetaker and half my notebook is now full of Ann Voskamp's challenging and encouraging words. In other words, I could very well have rewritten the entire book with the amount of notes I took, but hey, when something's that good you have to do whatever you can to remember it!

Being in a good hammock is easily one of my happiest places on earth.

Ann Voskamp, the author of this book I can't seem to finish, talks on every page about being thankful. The word for it is eucharisteo. See, she found out she had cancer as an adult- a mom with 6 kids (I think?) and a farmer husband- and this is after she watched her younger sister die right in front of her as a child because of a truck not paying attention on the road. She had to watch her parents hold her little sister as she took her last breaths in a pool of her own blood. They all chose, at first, to curse God for allowing this to happen to such a young, lively child. How do you find a way to be thankful in that? A way to eucharisteo? I am sure we all have our own versions of cruel things God "has done to us" that we have found hard to accept and forgive, or maybe some are still dealing with those issues with God. Whatever it may be, Ann had a really great idea once she found out about the cancer. She started a list of all the gifts God gives her in a day. She was challenged by another to list 1,000 things she considered a gift. It was in this time that she finally learned true eucharisteo.

Dirty laundry
Kids yelling at the top of their lungs
simple beauty of the moon

These were some on her list. I decided to make my own list because of how encouraging it was to see the change God caused in her by slowing down and considering everything a gift. 

To be honest, one of my favorite things, that I find a lot of joy in, is doing the dishes. (I guess the only time I hate it is when they've piled up for days and it is NOT my fault. I hate people being lazy, so I clearly understand how my mom felt the entire time I was growing up. Sorry, mom.) There is no thinking involved in doing dishes, and many times I find it an easy time to use to pray about my day. It's something simple. Nothing fancy. And then I came to the beach. I had these incredible views everywhere I went. I don't think a single thing during my time away didn't cause eucharisteo. It was just easy. The whole scene was just breathtaking for me. Yet, as much as I love it, what will happen now that I am back in Sigua, with more mundane, less obvious grateful moments for me to seize? THEN, what will happen when I go back to Springfield, away from the mountains and the beauty and my students and my friends here? Will eucharisteo still be as easy to find?

No. There's also the hard eucharisteo:
"This is it. The hard eucharisteo. Now I know that I don't want to know it yet...Ever. How to lay the hand open for this moment's bread-when it will hurt."

Oh, Lord, awake my soul to Your goodness and mercy when all I will want is to indulge in the pain I feel from leaving. Help me find the hard eucharisteo and embrace the simple miracles of everyday.

Life is not nearly as much about the places you go as it is the people you meet. You carry them with you wherever you go - and they're usually no more than a Skype call or email away. Technology is pretty great these days.

"All gratitude is ultimately gratitude for Christ, all remembering a remembrance of Him. For in Him all things were created, are sustained, have their being. Thus Christ is all there is to give thanks for; Christ is all there is to remember. To know how we count on God, we count graces, but ultimately there is really only One."

"The quiet song of gratitude, eucharisteo, lures humility out of the shadows because to receive a gift the knees must bend humble and the hand must lie vulnerably open and the will must bow to accept whatever the Giver chooses to give."

Please, just take in that beauty. Only God could create a sky and mountain backdrop like that.

Excited for Whatever's Next!

This decision not to come back was not an easy one, but every time I started leaning towards coming back another year, God would point out something that just didn't work with that choice. As much as I hated it, I realized it will be best for me to go back to Illinois. At least for now. Now, don't get me wrong. I DO plan on returning soon, even if that just means visiting. To me, my heart's desire is to come back down here once I've taken some Spanish classes and at least gotten a grasp on the basics of Spanish. See, while living here, I've been able to pick up a lot of it, but not enough to form many useful sentences, just enough to make sure I don't go hungry and can travel to the places I need to go. I could easily stay here and take Spanish classes in the country filled with people who actually speak it, but in my heart, I really need to be home. Well, maybe I don't need to be as much as I just want to be. My dad's back in our lives after a really long absence and it's been really, really hard being away from him during this time that he's officially become a part of our family again.

In the meantime, before God reveals my next step to me regarding Honduras (or somewhere else if that's where He decides to take me), I am going to take Spanish classes and immerse myself as much as possible without actually being in a Spanish speaking country. I would love to get involved with an organization that works with teens somewhere here in Honduras, but in most cases, you have to be bilingual for that. All that to say, I could be a long way away from my long term goal. And that is okay. I have learned to accept whatever and wherever it is God has placed me, even if that means I have to wait a long time just to find out where and what that is. I am excited about getting involved with other ministries and organizations in Springfield while I wait, places that I never really took the time to invest myself in before. God doesn't HAVE to have me in Honduras in order for me to do His work. I can do that anywhere. I just want to be a blessing for Him and shine a little more of His light in this world. Selfishly I just wish that would bring me back to Honduras full time someday.

For now, my plans are not really concrete once I get back to the States. I'll move back in with my mom. I'll most likely substitute teach again, because I loved that way more than I expected to. I look forward to getting involved again in my church life at Lakeside and also find some way to work with teenagers in the community. The biggest thing for me will be taking Spanish classes. I will be taking a class at the community college and hopefully get to practice with my students, too, since half of them added me as a facebook friend as soon as the last day of school was over. You know, it's not cool to be friends with your teacher, but when they're just another person, it's totally acceptable. :)

I'm so looking forward to seeing many of you who are reading this in the coming months once I get back home in a month! Get a hold of me and let's set up a time to hang out so I can tell you all about this in person! Thanks for going on this journey with me, and it is far from over, no matter WHAT I end up doing next. :) God bless!

My daddio and me!

So excited to get to spend lots of quality daddy/daughter time with this guy!

For my Students

My heart has been in more pain these past couple weeks than I think it ever has been in my entire life. I know it's only been a year here, but a lot can happen in a year. I've had the most difficult, amazing, strengthening year of my life here. God has shown me things I never knew before and taught me that His plans for me reach much farther than Springfield, Illinois.

For those who don't know, I have made the decision, through a lot of prayer and trust, to not return to Honduras next year. Ugh, I don't even enjoy writing that sentence, let along actually having to do it soon. I have grown to love it here so much. I love the people. I love the mountains. I love the food. I love the music. I love the crazy public transportation. I love the stray dogs wandering the streets. I love the fireworks that randomly go off at any given time in the night. I love the rain. I love EVERYTHING. And yet, I am leaving.

Itzel and Lauren. Love these girls.

Crazy Karolyn. This girl is the best.

One big thing I've discovered in my time here is that I am much better at being friends with kids this age than I am at teaching them. While that makes me a great friend, it kind of messes with the teacher image, therefore, I think it's in their best interest if I come back in the future just as Brenna, not Miss Brenna. I don't like saying goodbyes, especially to these particular people. These kids have been practically my whole life for the last 9 months or so and now I have to say goodbye, not being entirely sure when I will see them again, just trusting that eventually I will. 

The last week of classes was 2 weeks ago. We ended it with a high school devotional time. I sat in the back and just looked out at all the kids. I thought back on all the memories I've made with my students over the year and literally sat there bawling like a baby. All I could think of was how this was it. This was the last day I would ever be with all of them all at once. The week leading up to their final exams week, I said my actual goodbyes to them. I told them how much I loved them and how much they mean to me and we remembered some of the good times, and even some of the not so good times that now also seem good in light of having to say goodbye. I gave them a little note reminding them just how special they are not only to me, but even more so to God.

Here's my prayer for my students: "I pray that every day of your lives, you would experience something new in light of Jesus Christ and what He has done for you. I pray that in all the good times and the bad times, that you would look to Him. I pray that your trust in Him will overflow and you will never forget WHO you belong to. I pray that He will continue to provide you with people in your life who also remind you how much He loves you and cares about you. I pray for boldness for you, to go out and do whatever it is He has called you to and to be fearless while doing it, knowing that He is on your side. Always. I thank God so much for each one of your lives and for making you each so special and for teaching me more this year than you could ever know. I thank God for the way He loved me so well through you this year. I pray that you will never forget how much God has already used you in the world and how He will CONTINUE to use you for the rest of your journey through life." - If you ever think of me and want to pray, you can say that same prayer for them.

I am really not good at putting my pain into words right now, but I can tell you that I am so so very thankful for this year and this time I got to have, not only with these kids, but in this country. I never want to have to say goodbye, but since all good things must come to an end (until we reach Heaven, thank God!), I will end with some wise, yet sad, words from my girl, Carrie Underwood.

Silly 9th grade girls. Always a fun time. Always.

"I will see you again, this is not where it ends. I will carry you with me 'til I see you again."

Javier. He almost always refuses to smile and definitely refuses pictures with me. I finally convinced him. This picture is a big deal, people.

Until next time, kiddos, keep living your lives for Jesus and keep on changing the world.

These kids. They will never know how much I love them and how much they have changed me in so many, many ways.

Little Things are the Big Things

I think it's hard for me to post on a regular basis because life just becomes so normal here, so I have less and less "interesting" things to talk about. However, there have been some things that are worth mentioning, I just kept forgetting!

First, last Tuesday was TOMS One Day Without Shoes! Sadly, I couldn't talk my students into going totally barefoot, but they did succeed in only wearing socks. :) It was a really good day.

First, last week our school had a talent show for the high school students. The whole week leading up to the talent show, kids were practicing the skits and songs they were going to perform, and then the big day got here. It was supposed to be outside, and that got rained out in about 10 minutes, so they moved it inside because we (miraculously) still had power. I was so proud of my students! I love seeing them in settings other than the classroom because it brings out their true personalities. All of them had super impressive performances and it just made me love my kids more than I already do.

Grade 7 kids so proud of themselves after the talent show.

Last week was also exciting because our grade 8 class had a surprise visitor! None other than Si Robertson himself! Yep, I thought it'd be fun to dress up and share about "my" life to demonstrate what it is I am expecting THEM to do for their final project for this parcial. All the kids know how obsessed I am with the Duck Dynasty family that it was not a surprise when they saw him come to class. :) I will tell you, though, it's HARD finding the right clothes to pull this off! I did it, though, and it didn't look too bad, either!

We had cinco de mayo on Monday, which was really just an "excuse" for us to have a bunch of Mexican food, and man was it delicious!!!! Our house should really celebrate cinco de mayo every day...or at least once every week!

Tonight there was a performance of Romeo and Juliet at one of the other bilingual schools. We were all really excited about it, but unfortunately because of the rain, it was really hard to hear the people and what they were saying. The play itself may not have been everything we had hoped it would be, but you could tell there was a LOT of preparation that went into it and they did the very best they could. We went in true Honduran style, packing 13 people into a car that should probably only ever hold 7, at the MOST. If nothing else, it was pretty entertaining to watch all the grade 9 students cram into the car. Some things you just can't see anywhere but in Honduras.

To top it all off, last Saturday, I went to the airport to greet my dear friends from Springfield church of God as they arrived here to do their mission trip with Heart to Honduras! What a great time it was seeing them and also seeing all the Honduran translators I made friends with 4 years ago! It was great being back in the same place where I first fell in love with Honduras. I was thrilled to meet a new, younger member added to their group, and I suppose I was excited to see Rita, the crazy lady I now call my sweet friend.

Rita and me, finally reunited so we can just continue bickering with each other like we ALWAYS do. Love her!

Speaking of rain, it is rainy season here now, and it rains ALL THE TIME. I happen to love the rain, except when I have to walk in it. :) What a comforting sound from home. Home, the place in Springfield I get to go back to in just under 2 months now. I want the time to go quickly and slowly all at the same time. Until then, I am going to keep enjoying these little things and remember that they are what will be the big things later on.

After the trek up Ambassador Mountain. Life really is beautiful.

Best Friends Take Honduras (Part 2)

This is coming way later than I would have liked it to, but here it is, the rest of my fabulous week with mis amigas!

We had a nice, peaceful morning on Tuesday, went into town and had a fantastic lunch of iced chai and ice cream (lunch of champions, obviously). Then, we got a bus to a hiking spot called Panacam, where I had tons of interesting talks with the men sitting next to me. Talk about broken Spanish. Eesh! We got a ride up the mountain (or glorified hill, really) in a tuk tuk (moto taxi, all the rage here). We eventually found our way to our room for the night and had plenty of time to get some delicious dinner and then read for a looong time. That was one of my favorite parts about my break, I never get to read quite enough.

We woke up early Wednesday morning and began our hike. I was pretty thrilled to find out that my second time doing this hike was a lot better, and I barely felt like I was dying at all. So, that's exciting! We stopped and took pictures of the two beautiful waterfalls along the way and then came back to our room to clean up. On our way back to Sigua, we stopped along the highway at the lake to get the best fish you will ever eat in your life. Ahhhhh, I love the fish here, seriously. And my friends love it just as much as me. :)

Getting a bus back to Sigua from the fish restaurant was pretty interesting. We stood in front of the place for a while, and then were told the buses never stop here, so we kept moving further down the road. We ended up witnessing an arrest take place while waiting! Don't worry, our lives were never in danger, but it was pretty loud with lots of people yelling and some people bleeding, too. Then, finally, we got a bus back. It was one of those smaller buses and it was already packed full BEFORE we got on. Morgan ended up being able to sit down, not in a seat, but on the floor, while Debra and I held on for dear life with no room to plant our feet and barely anything to hang onto. We crossed a lot of personal space boundaries that don't actually exist here. The man standing up right behind me was actually able to go into full sleep mode...I was so impressed!

Finally, we got off the bus and made it back to the house, and later went to dinner at another favorite baleada place around here. Yum! Then we were super lazy and laid around reading books until we fell asleep. In the morning, Debra woke up feeling like death, so we laid low that day. Morgan and I went to the Children's Home to hang out with the kids there who didn't go anywhere for their spring break. Then, Thursday night we didn't do much except watch a bunch of movies, which is always fun, especially with my best friends!

Friday morning, we headed out with some friends to see the sawdust carpets, literally carpets made out of sand that are only on display for a day to celebrate Good Friday. They. Are. Beautiful. You almost just have to see them in person for yourself to know what I mean. We finished the day eating Pizza Hut and just enjoyed a day with friends.

Sadly, our time had to come to a close and we got on a bus (a NICE bus that we didn't have to wait for on the side of the road and they even played a movie for us while we rode!) and went to San Pedro. Then, we said our goodbyes. Luckily, they made their flight just in time, since the line to pay their exit fee out of the country was ridiculously long that morning!

It's funny, Debra had tears when they first got here, and I had tears when they left. It's been a hard adjustment back to life without them here at my house and in my life everyday. Even though it was only a week, it did my soul so much good. Love these girls and am forever grateful they were able to make the trip down.

God is good, that I know for sure. Can't wait for our next Honduran adventure we have together!

Best Friends Take Honduras (Part 1)

On April 12th, I had some very special visitors come to see me...last January, my sweet friends Debra and Morgan told me they wanted to come visit during my spring break, which also happened to be Morgan's spring break, too. Talk about perfect timing! Before we knew it, tickets were bought and plans were set in motion. I quickly learned that during Semana Santa (Holy Week for all of Honduras), it's not uncommon for most people to pick up and head out to a beach for the week. Not only that, but Thursday and Friday before Easter, practically our whole town shuts down. Still, we were able to pack some really fun trips into our time, and more importantly they got to see what the real Siguatepeque is like.

They were scheduled to arrive at 11:30 at the airport, which is 2 hours away from my house. However, due to lots of delayed flights and not being able to Apparate themselves to the next terminal gate (Yes, I just made a Harry Potter reference...), they were put on an extra flight to get them here around 4 p.m. instead. My good friend, Hector, was kind enough to drive me to get them since taking a bus in that late would have been impossible. As soon as I walked into the airport, I looked around quickly and saw them running toward me! Ahhhh, what a sweet reunion!

On the way home, we stopped at my favorite baleada place, and they of course LOVED them. Right after dinner they immediately passed out from exhaustion, and so did I, since I was too excited to sleep much the night before! Sunday morning, we went to church, exchanged money for them and bought bus tickets to get back to the airport the next Saturday (those two events were extremely comical to watch, I'm sure. I have enough Spanish to get myself by, I know how to order most food so I don't go hungry, and I know how to tell the taxi driver where to take me. I do not, however, have a lot of practice in buying a bus ticket, but between Morgan and me, and Debra for moral support, we got the job done.) We finished the daily outings by visiting the market, which was really enjoyable to watch them take it all in for the first time The market can seem really overwhelming, but it's really fun to buy fruits and veggies, and (try your best) to speak Spanish with the people. After a much needed time of relaxation, we went to dinner that night for pupusas, which also proved to be a winner for my friends. :)

Monday morning, despite my gigantic amount of fear about taking a bus to the capital city, we headed out for Tegucigalpa to meet up with a friend of Morgan's who's living there working for a ministry called Zion's Gate. We got a bus easily enough, although there was barely enough room for me to fit on my seat, but then when we were 9 miles away from the city, we got stopped at a typical police stop and stayed there FOR AN HOUR!! We finally got tired enough and got outside to take a few selfies, then we were finally able to leave. After three phone calls to get directions to the ministry, our taxi driver got us there and we enjoyed a few hours seeing what they do and how they are helping further God's kingdom. I love hearing testimonies of faith from other believers and how God is working. Let's just say, I was reminded once again just how living and active a relationship can look like.

Making or way BACK to Sigua was a little more interesting. We literally waited an hour to get a bus back, and every single one that passed as we waited at the bus stop was NOT heading in our direction. Eventually, a bus pulled up, that barely had any people on it, and took us back home. I was never so relieved to see the signs for Sigua in all my time here as I was then. This trip was really scary for me, only because there is an extra amount of caution you have to take when going to this city because of the "danger factor". I just want to say that what we experienced was anything but dangerous. That day trip changed my view of the people of Honduras so much, and all for the better. People in this country are among the nicest and kindest I know, certainly more kind than what I experience most days in the States. We could learn a thing or two from the people here. God is alive and active and certainly working in the hearts and lives of Hondurans, no matter what it might say on paper. Just spend a few days here and you will soon realize, as long as you are careful and pay attention to your surroundings, there's really not much that is "threatening" to your safety.

We ended the day with a night of pizza and watching Frozen, aka eating the best pizza EVER and watching one of the best movies ever made as well. :) Top that off with having these girls here with me to share it? #Priceless

These are the Days

This last month has been a whirlwind of fun adventures and new realizations of just how good God really is. For starters, I get to live in the most beautiful country that I've ever been to my entire life, it's not just a short visit.

After returning from Christmas break, I quickly realized that life here (or anywhere) is much more fun when you get out and really LIVE it! A couple weekends ago, we went on a super fun day trip to a beautiful waterfall, a cool Honduran version of a swimming pool (little fishies included at no extra charge, of course) and even did a rope swing! Then we had a quick photo shoot on an overly large sized chair painted like the Honduran flag and had an amazing lunch with the lake as our wonderful view. Tilapia here is better than any other that I've had, you should try it if you ever find yourself down this way. :)

That day was easily one of my single most favorite days, mainly because of the simplicity of it. That, and of course the good company. I love the people I get to do life with here.

Last weekend, we had another fun Saturday, road tripping with a caravan of about 20 gringas (white people) to the Hot Springs. Seriously, it's out in the middle of nowhere unless you know where you're going. Hot is an understatement for these springs, as you could definitely cook an egg in these waters, which I very well did, in fact! Seriously, though, it was so good getting to hang out and chill with some terrific missionary friends, and doing some light rock climbing was just as wonderful, although our muscles were SERIOUSLY feeling it the next few days. I also made the mistake of wearing sunscreen with spf 30 when my skin has always needed 50...oops! Let's just say I still have a sunburn more than a week later! #LessonLearned

The view from where I lounged most of the day.
They're fun to climb around on, too!

I told you I cooked an egg....

This past weekend was our quarterly Girls Night that we do here at the school for high school girls, and this time we invited those crazy 6th grade girls, too. Not only that, but Miss Sarah and I decided to make it a sleepover because we've had so many requests for one. From 7:30 p.m. to about 10:00 a.m., the school was full of energetic girls who just wanna have some fun. We had a dance party (thanks to the awesome student teachers who actually like to dance), a bonfire where we learned some new Spanish songs and taught them some from America and Canada, and before we settled in watching movies for the night, some of the girls wanted to get wet. I thought this a rather odd request, but we said if they filled up buckets, we would dump them on them. Well, in case you didn't see it coming, like I very much so did not, those buckets of water were thrown at US in about 2 seconds. There are few things I despise more than wearing jeans that are dripping wet, but even so, it turned out being the highlight of Girls Night, throwing water on the teachers and being super silly is sometimes all you need to wind down from a stressful week of final exams. Thank You, Lord, for giving me these wonderful kids to witness and watch them grow into strong women of faith. Thank You for giving us nights where we can forget about all the work and just let loose and have fun.

Some of my crazy grade 7 ladies.

After all the sleepover fun was done and over with, I got some work done and then felt the sleepiness kick in, that's what happens with only 3 solid hours of sleep, I guess! A 3 hour nap on a Saturday afternoon is quite fantastic. Follow that up with the best chicken baleadas in town for dinner, doing the Cha Cha slide in our living room with some of my favorite friends here, finished off with yet another circus experience! That is what I call a perfect day.

Perfection looks different for all of us, including church, which Caitlin and I tried a new experience of that this morning when she had the brilliant idea to listen to a church sermon out in our little kiddy pool while sunbathing. Not gonna lie, traditional church services will be hard to get used to from now on, so relaxing chilling in a pool in a swimsuit instead of sitting in a pew.

All that to say, Honduras has taught me a lot in the past few weeks. It's taught me how God loves to show up in completely unexpected ways just to remind you just how special you are to Him. Today, I'm fighting the urge to be sad because of some recent circumstances with a friend here, but I'm convinced that everything, and I do mean everything, happens for a beautiful reason that God rarely reveals on OUR timetable.

I have great friends here that I can't imagine having this experience without.
I have encouragement in everyday conversations with the people here in my life.
I have skype dates with the people from my other home whom I miss daily.
I have students that I love more than I ever thought I possibly could.
I have views of the mountains that are beyond belief.
I have hope that life can only get better, even when there ARE moments of harsh reality.
I have joy in a Father who loves me and directs my path even when I feel completely lost.
I have more moments of laughter in the simplest things.
And I have a place I call home.
Honduras.

The Place Where You Suffer

So there’s this song that has been hitting my soul a lot over the past 24 hours. I’ve had this woman’s music on my iTunes for well over 2 weeks now, and have listened to this song before, yet never heard the true meaning of it until I looked up the lyrics. I have always been one to appreciate music, and even more so the lyrics to those specific tunes. This song really doesn’t come off as one that “sounds” all that exciting, but when you take in the words and listen to the real message, it is beautiful, breathtaking, and gut-wrenching all at once.

For the last few days, the theme in my life has been on relationships. I have been struggling with how I am not only content with my life as a single woman, but truly loving and embracing it at the moment. Having said that, it seems to be easy for non-single people to call out that maybe I need to focus on finding a husband. Hmmm, maybe if I were interested in finding one right now, I would be okay with that statement. BUT, I have no desire to be in a romantic relationship right now. I love the ways God reveals Himself to me in my singleness, and I know that, for me, my relationship with Christ will continue to blossom much more if I don’t add a man to the equation. I’m not saying I never will get married, but I am saying that in this season, it’s really not even on my radar. I just wish it would get off of some other peoples’ radar, too. 

Anyway, because of much of these kinds of conversations coming up in my life,when I heard this song, "Come Close Now", by Christa Wells, I couldn't help but play it over and over and over again because it spoke such truth to me.

“I’m afraid of the space where you suffer

Where you sit in the smoke and the burn
I can’t handle the choke or the danger
Of my own foolish, inadequate words
I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

How often are we afraid of the pain someone else is going through? How often do we think “Man, I’m not going to be able to say anything or do anything that is going to help them, and I sure don’t want to make it harder for them. I think it’s best if I just stay away. I’ll make sure to pray for them, though.”?

Friends, prayer is a GREAT tool. It is how we can interact with God whenever we want and however we want. It’s what He constantly wants us to do because He always wants to be chatting with us. In this scenario, though, when we have people in our lives who we know, but don’t really ever get close to, what does that honestly say about our lives? Even more so, what does it say about our walks with Jesus Christ if ALL we're doing is praying for them? So many times in scripture, He was known to be doing life with people. He hung out with sinners. He spent time with His disciples. He showed He cared by more than saying, “I’ll make sure I talk to my Father about that”, and then just walking away. He sat with them. He ate with them. He listened to their stories.

In today’s world, He would have done more than just send them a sweet message via facebook or twitter or some other social media. He would seek them out. He would let them know He wanted to spend real, actual time with them.

This song’s main focus talks about people going through “fires”, which I will post more on that later. If we think about others’ trials, or just daily living, as fires, it makes it scarier. It makes it more real. It makes it even harder to approach them. Yet, here’s God saying, “Go after them. Go love them. Go sit and talk with them. Or even better, go sit and be silent with them.”

“I’m afraid of the place where you suffer, where you sit in the smoke and the danger” 

We’re afraid to enter in to that place with them. Why? I think the next lines help sum that up.

 “I can’t handle the choke or the danger. Of my own foolish, inadequate words. I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

It’s okay to admit that we don’t have the words to make life easier for a friend. Really, we don’t have those healing words that make the pain go away. We don’t have the power to erase pain. Christ does. And HE calls us to love people where they are by being there. By showing interest in them. By going the extra mile to make ourselves available to them. That last line of that verse above is what I keep settling on. Yeah, I don’t have the right words. However, I CAN come sit with you. I CAN make myself available. I CAN let you know by my actions that I really am here. We can all do that. These lyrics sound as if this person went to their friend’s house and, even though their friend is in pain, is saying, “I’m going to be right here for you, if you want to talk or if you just want me to come and sit with you.”

I want to embrace relationships. I want to embrace the opportunities I’m given to love those around me simply with my presence. Most of the time, those hurting friends of ours don’t want words, because they already know we will fail them with those words. What they want is us to be there. To love them. To not give up on them even if they give up on themselves.

Let’s go in and be part of that place where suffering occurs. Let’s go sit right outside and let others know that we’re here for them.

Best Day Ever? Yes!

I must say, life since my last blog has been full of little surprises, some welcomed, some not so much. For starters, a few days after I last wrote, I got a wonderful surprise on my doorstep! It came in the form of my good friend, Rob, who I was fully expecting to have to go get him at the bus stop. However, he made the trip straight to my school and 2 hours before I was going to leave to pick him up, he's right in front of me in the flesh!!! It's a super weird/awesome feeling to have someone here in this country who already knows all about my life before ending up here. It's like all the work and stress of having to explain yourself to the people around you just goes away. What was even better was getting to show him around town, introduce him to all my favorite foods that he'll never get to experience in the States. I think the coolest part is that neither one of us really tried to meet up here. He was doing some mission work in Guatemala and was going to be in Honduras for part of it. You can read his blog about his time there here: http://crobarnett.wordpress.com/2014/02/12/zions-gate/ . I just mentioned he should come visit since he wouldn't be so far away. God works things out in really incredible, incomprehensible ways sometimes. I mean, we went hiking one day while he was here and as we were looking out at the absolutely breathtaking view of the mountains that are almost anywhere you go in Honduras, we just couldn't believe that we were experiencing that moment together! Rob and I used to be on the worship team at our campus ministry, Christian Student Fellowship, together. If you would have told us 3 years ago that we'd be hanging out at my home in Honduras now, clearly we would have thought that was crazy. Yet, there we were.

     Not only that, but Rob got to meet my kids, and we got to have some good, deep conversations about where our hearts are at with where we both feel like God is calling us to next. Like he told all of my students, it's actually exciting to not know what's next in our lives, but to just blindly follow Him and keep constant communion with Him. It was so good to have him here and see life from his perspective. So thankful to have that time with him, and excited to see how our paths may cross again in the future!

Since returning back to school, I've seen absolutely no improvement in the classroom some days, and then other days I am filled with so much hope because it actually went WELL. Today, I just need to share that I had my "BEST. DAY. EVERRRR!" (Quoting from Tangled, of course!) I'm not saying it was perfect, or even great. However, looking at it as a whole, I didn't have a single class where I thought, "ugh, this is never going to get any better". My students have started getting used to this new behavior chart we introduced in high school, mainly for my benefit because we need a better way of disciplining them. To my great surprise, it's working!!! That doesn't mean it'll work every day, but for the days it does, I am so thankful.

I had my 9th grade students do a comparison of old English (aka New King James) and new, modern English (aka The Message) while looking at 1 Corinthians 13. Many of them made the comment, "we never get in the Bible." Sadly, that's all too true, and a fact I really want to change. As we read through what all the things love looks like, I saw them genuinely responding. I asked them if anything stuck out to them, maybe something they felt like they could work on more, or something that encouraged them or they just enjoyed reading. I gave them 10 minutes in class to write a response, and one of my more "in-tune" students said, "why don't we replace the word love with our name?" So, I had them read the verses to themselves again and put their own name in place of 'love'. As I watched them read it again, I saw them take it seriously, and as they wrote their answers, the bell was getting ready to ring and they all still had so much more to say. They not only like being in the Word, but they crave it. Just like we all should. I let them take it home with them so they could take more time to think up real, genuine answers. I am really excited to see where this goes, and even more excited an encouraged to do this kind of thing with them more often! I've made it too easy to just let those lessons go undone because we have so much else to do, but the reality is, some of these kids may never go deeper in their relationships with Christ unless their teachers (at their Christian school) not only gives them the opportunity, but puts it in the lesson plan.

Here's to an exciting, Christ-filled rest of the school year! I can't wait to report back again with even more ways the Lord gives me to reach these students with His truth!

See, if we really have Christ inside of us, then we have love, because that's what He is. God is love. In light of that, our lives should mimic this. I've still got a long way to go, but it's never a bad idea to evaluate where we're at and just what exactly we're doing for the Kingdom. Just in case you're interested in reading those same verses and replacing YOUR name with the word 'love, here you go:

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Love doesn’t have a swelled head,
Love doesn’t force itself on others,
Love isn’t always “me first,”
Love doesn’t fly off the handle,
Love doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Love doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Love takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Love puts up with anything,
Love trusts God always,
Love always looks for the best,
Love never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

A Work In Progress

This week has been a new realization for me. Well, maybe not new, but definitely a difficult pill to swallow either way. You see, I’m discovering how bad I am at problem solving, especially right on the spot, which is really the only time I ever need to problem solve, anyway. I’ve had a rough few days of just total disrespect and kids not caring in one of my classes. It is super frustrating. We literally had one class where we didn’t get anything done because I kept waiting for them to be quiet. That time never came, though. The only thing that did was the bell. As much as I should have cared, I really just couldn’t wait to get out of there. Then, yesterday, the same thing started to happen However, this time, one of my students who really does want to learn practically begged me to continue even a midst the chaos that was my classroom at that moment. In my head, I was freaking out because I literally had no idea how to still teach the one of two kids who still wanted to learn and let it still be effective when the rest of the class was acting like complete idiots. I hate wasting time, especially when it is my own. I feel like when I talk and nobody is listening, I am making the biggest possible waste of my time. The ironic thing is that even if I only have ONE kid willing to listen anymore, it’s still enough. I became a teacher because I wanted to make a difference. Maybe right now my only chance to make a difference in this particular class is to only teach to the one who wants it. That’s hard to accept, but I should really be counting my blessings that I even HAVE one willing to still listen and learn!

Today, I had a double block with this same class, and man, by the time Friday hits, we are all just tired of one another. Go figure. Well, the same thing started to happen, only this time, I had two boys instead of one pushing me to keep teaching even though there was so much talking going on. I decided to only give the worksheet to the kids showing they were honestly invested in the activity. The other ones I told would receive a zero if they chose to act that way all class. Miraculously, they started to figure it out and every kid earned a worksheet to fill out. Now, I am a firm believer that your behavior should affect your grade, because grades area big motivator. I had that whole class quiet and attentive and ready to hear what I was presenting them with. Wow! It was a beautiful ripple effect where they saw their actions had direct consequences, but they could also choose to change their behavior and earn their chance back.

We did another activity afterwards, where they also needed a worksheet from me, and again, I only gave the paper to the kids showing honest attention. Even then, I had 4 more kids who earned a worksheet from the very beginning than I did with the first thing we did. Again, they figured out that I was serious, but they also understood that I wanted them to be involved, but they had to earn it at this point.

Who knows if this will ever work again for me, but I cannot tell you how thankful I am that it worked today. Yes, today was a good day! It’s exciting to say that, mostly because every single day, someone asks me how it went and I always say, “Not great, but it could have been worse.” Today, I was genuinely able to say that every class of mine was good. Again, not great, but shoot, I’ll take what I can get. J

The day ended on an even better note because we had another girls’ night for our high school ladies. I love hanging out with them outside of class time. It’s like getting this beautiful glimpse into what they will be like when they really grow up. However, at the same time, I get to see their childish, romantic side when we watch the movie, Frozen, and the girls all “ooh” and “ah” at seemingly cheesy scenes. I can’t talk, though, because it happens to be my favorite movie. It’s just great to see sides of them I could never see when I’m just Miss Brenna.

Although I feel it’s harder being back here now than it was for the first part of the year, I still feel incredibly blessed to be here with these people, both big and small, and get to do life with them. I have a long way to go before I feel like I’m really helping them along in a significant way as far as their academic career goes, but I know God has given me a gift to share with them. It may just not be found inside the classroom so much as outside of it.

Still finding my way, but either way, it’s a beautiful journey.

Until next time….

Supporting the Community

Hello again!

Today, I bring a different kind of blog. This is my way of reaching out to any and everyone who reads my blog and is maybe looking for a way to support me. It's not exactly me, per say, but more for my kids. A few of my students don't have the benefit of living at home with their parents. Instead, they stay at The Children's Home, which is a place for kids to go and live, much like an orphanage, except their parents still have guardianship of them. The home takes care of them and provides for the kids because their families cannot do it on their own. Many of these kids only get the see their family members in person just a handful of times per year, if that.

Since they struggle so much with finances, extra activities are really hard for them to be a part of. In a couple of weeks, our 7th and 8th grade students are getting to go on an educational trip to Copan, famous for the Copan Ruins, which are part of the Mayan Ruins. Not only this, but Copan also holds a lot of other really exciting, history filled places that is a really big deal for young kids to be able to see and experience about their home country. I would so love to be able to see all of my kids get to go, but the reality is, a couple of them just may not be able to afford it.

The trip itself costs around $150 per kid to go. Now, considering all that they will get to do on this trip, that's really a pretty cheap price. I'm writing this to ask you if you would like to be part of making this trip possible for some very deserving kiddos here. If you would like to give for this, there are a couple ways to do so. You can click on the link attached on this site and it will have you give through Paypal. It is super easy and only takes a couple of clicks! The second option, if you don't like giving through the internet, would be to send a check to my home address in Illinois and then my mom would be able to put it into my account and I can then give it to the school. If you cannot afford to give anything, I completely understand, but if you would keep this upcoming trip in your prayers, as it can get a little bit crazy with up to 40 high schoolers running around with only about 7 chaperones, me being one of them. This is an exciting opportunity for these kids to see history and culture, but it's also a great opportunity to be the hands and feet of Christ and to bond with my students outside of the classroom, which I always love because there is just such a difference in the way they act when we aren't in classroom mode.

If you have any questions or would like my address in Illinois to send a check to, please feel free to email me at brenna@ceehonduras.org

Thank you for reading this and supporting me through my time here, whether that has been financially or spiritually, or both. It is extremely appreciated and I am forever grateful for the love I've been shown while here. How cool it would be to be able to tell these students of mine how much THEY'RE loved, too, just by the simple act of helping to pay their way to go.

Until next time...

-Brenna B.

Coming Home

Goodness, I have SO much to fill you in on since my last update.

First off, right before we all left for Christmas break, we got to be part of the school's annual Christmas Fair. Honestly, I can't even explain to you how great it was. I am honored to be at a school where I get to see my kids outside of the school day. There are just so many opportunities to bond with them without being in the classroom. Plus, it was a great way to celebrate all the accomplishments thus far this year and spend time with my new friends here.

Then, finally, the big moment came. I stepped foot back onto American ground! In typical fashion of all my airport experiences, my first plane took off late and then I ended up having to change my plans, but my family is great and when I landed 10 hours later in St. Louis, my parents and my grandma were there to greet me. It was a great feeling. Not to mention the Subway sandwich and Mcdonald's sweet tea they brought me!

I can't believe how much I packed into those two weeks of being home! Getting to catch up with so many friends and just be in the presence of my family, I could not have asked for more. We had the funeral services for my grandpa Charlie while I was home, too, which was a huge deal for me. I'm so thankful it worked out the way it did and I was able to get some closure with him being gone. It was extremely weird to be at my grandparents' house and only have my grandma there, but it also was really good for me to finally face the reality of life back home.

I never realized how much I could really love my family until it came time to leave. The second time. That was harder. Much harder than I expected it to be. Man, I think I'm still trying to adapt fully back into my life here in Honduras. It also solidified that this is where I am supposed to be right now. As hard as it is, I know this is where God is going to continue to grow me the most in this season.

The crazy winter storm certainly put a damper in my plans, though. What started out as a girls night in St. Louis turned into me being quickly dropped off the night before my early morning flight so my friends could beat the storm back home. That was extremely hard for me. I've discovered that I don't do well with new plans, especially when they have to do with me being by myself to figure them out. Anyway, after getting to the airport bright and early and checking in and what not, we literally had been on the plane for 2 minutes when they de-planed us because of the terrible weather conditions. To make a long story short, my flight to Honduras got rebooked to five days later than expected. The crappy part was that the weather was still too bad at home and was going to get bad again in St. Louis, so it made sense to just stay there. Now, don't get me wrong, I love hotels and everything, but not for 5 days. Nor can I afford a five day hotel stay. However, because God is just that good, He provided me a place to stay: with some really great friends from my old church. Just so happens they live 30 minutes away from the airport! Another long story short, my friend, June, and her family, took me in for 4 days and let me be another member of the family. I will never fully be able to express how much that time meant to me, and just the simple gesture of reaching out and being the hands and feet of Christ. Not only that, but it was SO nice getting to catch up with old friends!

Anyway, they dropped me back at my hotel the night before my new flight and I ended up making it back to school (because of getting a ride with yet ANOTHER great friend) in time to see some of my kids before they went home for the weekend! It's been so good to be back. I think the thing I learned most of all is that I now have two homes. Not only that, but it's okay to have more than one place you call home. I always considered Illinois my home. I soon realized, though, from being home in Illinois, that every time I mentioned Honduras, I always called it home, too. It reminds me of one of my favorite movie quotes: "It's okay to have roots and wings." I couldn't agree more. As much as I love all the people back home in Illinois, I love the people here, too. For that, I'm happy to call this place home as well.

Looking forward to another 6 months of teaching and being taught. I'm also looking forward to stepping out of my comfort zone more this semester. Last weekend was my first real adventure I've had since September. I finally got to have some tilapia at the lake! And I got my first bus riding experience! AND I even ate a fish eye! Oh, and did I mention two of my best friends are coming to visit me over spring break? Yup, I'd say 2014 is looking pretty darn amazing. :)