Since my last post, I've been encouraged and challenged to seek Christ in a much different way. I've always been really good at hearing a message at church or from a friend or mentor and understanding it, but not really getting it. Maybe that's because in the times I've heard those truths, I wasn't in a season of my life where I really felt the need to cling to it. Well, you know those students I wrote about last time? They haven't gotten any better. In fact, in some ways, they've gotten worse. Monday did NOT start off the way I wanted it to, which was super tough.
However, before you go thinking that I'm miserable here, just stay with me for a minute. My self esteem always seems to plummet the further in I get with teaching, which stinks, but it's also a reality for many teachers, especially those in their first year! I didn't think I would be able to handle this entire year if this is the feeling I have to battle everyday. Then, God brought up different, beautiful truths for me to hold onto. First of all, I have a big issue with comparing myself with other teachers who are way better at what they do than I am. It even makes swapping "teacher stories" awful because the whole time they're talking, all I can think of is how bad I am at what I do. Even at our Canadian Thanksgiving on Monday night, it was hard for me to dive in because of how much I let the kids get to me earlier in the day. Um, this is a really stupid thing to do. I am slowly learning to not do this to myself, but sometimes I really just can't help it! Another teacher here, James, has given me a lot of advice for my kids, and some has worked and some hasn't. The thing is, his classes go ten times better than mine do because 1) he is a man and 2) he has done this for 3 years already. Then, I look at his ability and think "why can't I do that?" The answer to that is easy: I'm just starting out. Nobody's first year of teaching is a walk in the park. Most days I feel so overwhelmed with work that I don't even have time to cry, which is all I actually want to do sometimes.
Anyway, God has been reminding me not to compare myself. The person He created ME to be is perfect, for right now, for this season. He is going to stretch me and strengthen me in crazy ways this year, and my only option is literally just to cling to Him with all that I have and let Him do it. My dear friend here sweetly reminded me of this verse in Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord, your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing." I love imagining God doing this with me, every moment of every day, especially those moments I'd rather not have to endure in the classroom.
See, when it comes down to it, the world can throw anything at me that it wants to, and satan can do everything in his power to defeat me. None of that changes who I am in Christ. None of that makes me worth any less in Christ's eyes. Friends, I can't tell you how absolutely freeing and refreshing and life-breathing that truth is. In all honesty, I am nothing without Jesus. There is nothing in me that is worth anything outside of Christ. There is not a single special thing about me except Christ. As a result of Christ being where I find my identity, He allows me to have something to offer this world. Something to offer Honduras. Something to offer my students here in Siguatepeque. It is that fact that keeps me going. I want to strive to be rooted in Christ so much so that I am constantly overwhelmed because His presence in my life is so abundantly clear.
John 15: 4-5 "Remain in me and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. Yes, I am the vine and you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing."
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