My Biggest Fear

I titled a journal entry of mine this not long after first getting back from Honduras last year. It's not long, so I will share it here so it can forever be somewhere else besides just in my little book. I say this because I think it's important to say what we feel and be honest about the junk we have. If we don't do that, we run the serious risk of living OUTside of community, which is NOT where God wants us. So, here goes, the hardest words I ever wrote are probably these words that follow:

7-18-14 My Biggest Fear

"My biggest fear is that God already used me and my purpose was already fulfilled. My biggest fear is that I'm never going to be good at loving strangers. My biggest fear is I may never go back to Honduras full time. My biggest fear is I will never stop comparing myself. My biggest fear is I will always keep driving when someone is asking for help on the side of the road. My biggest fear is being lost here forever."

Yeah. So these words were my honest fears, and in little ways they still are. As you can see, my biggest (singular) fear is actually a whole bunch because there is no way to be less afraid of one of these happening over another. They all terrify me. Or at least they used to.  Here is what I've learned about my life since these words were penned. First of all, if we were done being used by Christ, then the next obvious step for Him would be to call us Home because our earthly work is done (at least that's how it works in my mind, and in the words that I know in the Bible). As far as not loving strangers? Well, I realize God gives me that ability just about every single day. I mean, shoot, in a couple weeks I am moving into a house to love a whole bunch of strangers in the neighborhood and show them Jesus simply by the way my roommates and I live our lives for Jesus. I think the fear of loving strangers well is pretty silly in retrospect, but ya know, everybody has those moments of fear and uncertainty. Clearly that day was one of mine. Being in the midst of a tough transition is also never helpful with trying to understand what your life will look like in this new season.

Man, this next one is fair to say that it used to really be my biggest fear. Living in a country other than Honduras used to scare me in a way that nothing else ever could. However, once again, I have experienced a lot of growth in this season in the States. A season that looks like there will be consecutive ones in which I am still here. And guess what? I am okay with that. Finally finally finally I am at a place where not being in Honduras is okay. Not great, but okay. And my life here is thriving. I am no longer in survival mode in terms of getting through each day here. I have found new ways to stay connected to my precious kiddos and friends still in Honduras. I love social media so so much because of the ways it has allowed me to still love my kids. And mail there really isn't as bad as it is in some places, so when I send stuff, it EVENTUALLY gets there. So sending love in a package isn't totally out of the question, either. :)

God has shown me that HE is at the core of those relationships, NOT the locations we all have. I can be over 2,000 miles away and still they know how much I care and even more importantly how GOD cares, because that has always been their foundation in life, too. Like I said, living in community is a beautiful thing, so seeing it live and active in multiple countries is even sweeter.

Comparing myself, well, I finally feel like I am better and better at NOT doing this. I still have my moments, though, trust me. When I want to compare myself with others, I choose to look at Christ instead, because if I am going to compare myself with anyone, it really should be Him, right?

I am still trying to figure out how to love people on the side of the road well. It will be a constant lesson for me, but for now I am in the "praying for opportunities" stage. I am still human, so I still miss those opportunities a lot. We're never finished growing, thank God, since I still have so much to learn.

Being lost here forever. This one is very interesting to me in so many ways. First, since we don't belong here, we weren't created for this world, IT'S OKAY TO FEEL LOST HERE. Please hear that if you hear anything from all of this. This life is not about figuring it out. It's about LIVING it out. Just do life, whatever that looks like, and let God keep showing you the way to new and different things along the way. Don't stand still just because you don't know your next step. I don't even know for sure my own next step, but since God has sort of given me a direction for this next season, I am going to follow that until He shows me something else.

'If you haven't lost Christ, child, nothing is ever lost."
(Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts)

Thanks for listening to my thoughts. Chances are most reading this are people I am blessed to be in community with in one way or another. So, for that, I thank you.