Holding My Hands Open

A hammock. A good book. A beautiful view. Swinging back and forth in my happy place. That's what sticks out most from the last few days we had in Tela, one of the beach towns in Honduras. Experiencing places like this in Honduras just makes me further question, "Why on earth am I LEAVING?" Well, as much as I love you, Honduras, you won't last forever. No place will. And I'm grateful. The only place I want to last forever is in Heaven with my Jesus.

I was able to really quiet my life down while we were away by disconnecting from the internet and (most) t.v. Hey, I still had to keep up with some soccer, alright? Truth is, the times I'm most alone are the best times for Christ to speak to me. There's this seriously fantastic book, A Thousand Gifts, that I can't keep my hands off of, and yet it's still taken me forever to devour. Probably because I'm a notetaker and half my notebook is now full of Ann Voskamp's challenging and encouraging words. In other words, I could very well have rewritten the entire book with the amount of notes I took, but hey, when something's that good you have to do whatever you can to remember it!

Being in a good hammock is easily one of my happiest places on earth.

Ann Voskamp, the author of this book I can't seem to finish, talks on every page about being thankful. The word for it is eucharisteo. See, she found out she had cancer as an adult- a mom with 6 kids (I think?) and a farmer husband- and this is after she watched her younger sister die right in front of her as a child because of a truck not paying attention on the road. She had to watch her parents hold her little sister as she took her last breaths in a pool of her own blood. They all chose, at first, to curse God for allowing this to happen to such a young, lively child. How do you find a way to be thankful in that? A way to eucharisteo? I am sure we all have our own versions of cruel things God "has done to us" that we have found hard to accept and forgive, or maybe some are still dealing with those issues with God. Whatever it may be, Ann had a really great idea once she found out about the cancer. She started a list of all the gifts God gives her in a day. She was challenged by another to list 1,000 things she considered a gift. It was in this time that she finally learned true eucharisteo.

Dirty laundry
Kids yelling at the top of their lungs
simple beauty of the moon

These were some on her list. I decided to make my own list because of how encouraging it was to see the change God caused in her by slowing down and considering everything a gift. 

To be honest, one of my favorite things, that I find a lot of joy in, is doing the dishes. (I guess the only time I hate it is when they've piled up for days and it is NOT my fault. I hate people being lazy, so I clearly understand how my mom felt the entire time I was growing up. Sorry, mom.) There is no thinking involved in doing dishes, and many times I find it an easy time to use to pray about my day. It's something simple. Nothing fancy. And then I came to the beach. I had these incredible views everywhere I went. I don't think a single thing during my time away didn't cause eucharisteo. It was just easy. The whole scene was just breathtaking for me. Yet, as much as I love it, what will happen now that I am back in Sigua, with more mundane, less obvious grateful moments for me to seize? THEN, what will happen when I go back to Springfield, away from the mountains and the beauty and my students and my friends here? Will eucharisteo still be as easy to find?

No. There's also the hard eucharisteo:
"This is it. The hard eucharisteo. Now I know that I don't want to know it yet...Ever. How to lay the hand open for this moment's bread-when it will hurt."

Oh, Lord, awake my soul to Your goodness and mercy when all I will want is to indulge in the pain I feel from leaving. Help me find the hard eucharisteo and embrace the simple miracles of everyday.

Life is not nearly as much about the places you go as it is the people you meet. You carry them with you wherever you go - and they're usually no more than a Skype call or email away. Technology is pretty great these days.

"All gratitude is ultimately gratitude for Christ, all remembering a remembrance of Him. For in Him all things were created, are sustained, have their being. Thus Christ is all there is to give thanks for; Christ is all there is to remember. To know how we count on God, we count graces, but ultimately there is really only One."

"The quiet song of gratitude, eucharisteo, lures humility out of the shadows because to receive a gift the knees must bend humble and the hand must lie vulnerably open and the will must bow to accept whatever the Giver chooses to give."

Please, just take in that beauty. Only God could create a sky and mountain backdrop like that.

Excited for Whatever's Next!

This decision not to come back was not an easy one, but every time I started leaning towards coming back another year, God would point out something that just didn't work with that choice. As much as I hated it, I realized it will be best for me to go back to Illinois. At least for now. Now, don't get me wrong. I DO plan on returning soon, even if that just means visiting. To me, my heart's desire is to come back down here once I've taken some Spanish classes and at least gotten a grasp on the basics of Spanish. See, while living here, I've been able to pick up a lot of it, but not enough to form many useful sentences, just enough to make sure I don't go hungry and can travel to the places I need to go. I could easily stay here and take Spanish classes in the country filled with people who actually speak it, but in my heart, I really need to be home. Well, maybe I don't need to be as much as I just want to be. My dad's back in our lives after a really long absence and it's been really, really hard being away from him during this time that he's officially become a part of our family again.

In the meantime, before God reveals my next step to me regarding Honduras (or somewhere else if that's where He decides to take me), I am going to take Spanish classes and immerse myself as much as possible without actually being in a Spanish speaking country. I would love to get involved with an organization that works with teens somewhere here in Honduras, but in most cases, you have to be bilingual for that. All that to say, I could be a long way away from my long term goal. And that is okay. I have learned to accept whatever and wherever it is God has placed me, even if that means I have to wait a long time just to find out where and what that is. I am excited about getting involved with other ministries and organizations in Springfield while I wait, places that I never really took the time to invest myself in before. God doesn't HAVE to have me in Honduras in order for me to do His work. I can do that anywhere. I just want to be a blessing for Him and shine a little more of His light in this world. Selfishly I just wish that would bring me back to Honduras full time someday.

For now, my plans are not really concrete once I get back to the States. I'll move back in with my mom. I'll most likely substitute teach again, because I loved that way more than I expected to. I look forward to getting involved again in my church life at Lakeside and also find some way to work with teenagers in the community. The biggest thing for me will be taking Spanish classes. I will be taking a class at the community college and hopefully get to practice with my students, too, since half of them added me as a facebook friend as soon as the last day of school was over. You know, it's not cool to be friends with your teacher, but when they're just another person, it's totally acceptable. :)

I'm so looking forward to seeing many of you who are reading this in the coming months once I get back home in a month! Get a hold of me and let's set up a time to hang out so I can tell you all about this in person! Thanks for going on this journey with me, and it is far from over, no matter WHAT I end up doing next. :) God bless!

My daddio and me!

So excited to get to spend lots of quality daddy/daughter time with this guy!

For my Students

My heart has been in more pain these past couple weeks than I think it ever has been in my entire life. I know it's only been a year here, but a lot can happen in a year. I've had the most difficult, amazing, strengthening year of my life here. God has shown me things I never knew before and taught me that His plans for me reach much farther than Springfield, Illinois.

For those who don't know, I have made the decision, through a lot of prayer and trust, to not return to Honduras next year. Ugh, I don't even enjoy writing that sentence, let along actually having to do it soon. I have grown to love it here so much. I love the people. I love the mountains. I love the food. I love the music. I love the crazy public transportation. I love the stray dogs wandering the streets. I love the fireworks that randomly go off at any given time in the night. I love the rain. I love EVERYTHING. And yet, I am leaving.

Itzel and Lauren. Love these girls.

Crazy Karolyn. This girl is the best.

One big thing I've discovered in my time here is that I am much better at being friends with kids this age than I am at teaching them. While that makes me a great friend, it kind of messes with the teacher image, therefore, I think it's in their best interest if I come back in the future just as Brenna, not Miss Brenna. I don't like saying goodbyes, especially to these particular people. These kids have been practically my whole life for the last 9 months or so and now I have to say goodbye, not being entirely sure when I will see them again, just trusting that eventually I will. 

The last week of classes was 2 weeks ago. We ended it with a high school devotional time. I sat in the back and just looked out at all the kids. I thought back on all the memories I've made with my students over the year and literally sat there bawling like a baby. All I could think of was how this was it. This was the last day I would ever be with all of them all at once. The week leading up to their final exams week, I said my actual goodbyes to them. I told them how much I loved them and how much they mean to me and we remembered some of the good times, and even some of the not so good times that now also seem good in light of having to say goodbye. I gave them a little note reminding them just how special they are not only to me, but even more so to God.

Here's my prayer for my students: "I pray that every day of your lives, you would experience something new in light of Jesus Christ and what He has done for you. I pray that in all the good times and the bad times, that you would look to Him. I pray that your trust in Him will overflow and you will never forget WHO you belong to. I pray that He will continue to provide you with people in your life who also remind you how much He loves you and cares about you. I pray for boldness for you, to go out and do whatever it is He has called you to and to be fearless while doing it, knowing that He is on your side. Always. I thank God so much for each one of your lives and for making you each so special and for teaching me more this year than you could ever know. I thank God for the way He loved me so well through you this year. I pray that you will never forget how much God has already used you in the world and how He will CONTINUE to use you for the rest of your journey through life." - If you ever think of me and want to pray, you can say that same prayer for them.

I am really not good at putting my pain into words right now, but I can tell you that I am so so very thankful for this year and this time I got to have, not only with these kids, but in this country. I never want to have to say goodbye, but since all good things must come to an end (until we reach Heaven, thank God!), I will end with some wise, yet sad, words from my girl, Carrie Underwood.

Silly 9th grade girls. Always a fun time. Always.

"I will see you again, this is not where it ends. I will carry you with me 'til I see you again."

Javier. He almost always refuses to smile and definitely refuses pictures with me. I finally convinced him. This picture is a big deal, people.

Until next time, kiddos, keep living your lives for Jesus and keep on changing the world.

These kids. They will never know how much I love them and how much they have changed me in so many, many ways.

Little Things are the Big Things

I think it's hard for me to post on a regular basis because life just becomes so normal here, so I have less and less "interesting" things to talk about. However, there have been some things that are worth mentioning, I just kept forgetting!

First, last Tuesday was TOMS One Day Without Shoes! Sadly, I couldn't talk my students into going totally barefoot, but they did succeed in only wearing socks. :) It was a really good day.

First, last week our school had a talent show for the high school students. The whole week leading up to the talent show, kids were practicing the skits and songs they were going to perform, and then the big day got here. It was supposed to be outside, and that got rained out in about 10 minutes, so they moved it inside because we (miraculously) still had power. I was so proud of my students! I love seeing them in settings other than the classroom because it brings out their true personalities. All of them had super impressive performances and it just made me love my kids more than I already do.

Grade 7 kids so proud of themselves after the talent show.

Last week was also exciting because our grade 8 class had a surprise visitor! None other than Si Robertson himself! Yep, I thought it'd be fun to dress up and share about "my" life to demonstrate what it is I am expecting THEM to do for their final project for this parcial. All the kids know how obsessed I am with the Duck Dynasty family that it was not a surprise when they saw him come to class. :) I will tell you, though, it's HARD finding the right clothes to pull this off! I did it, though, and it didn't look too bad, either!

We had cinco de mayo on Monday, which was really just an "excuse" for us to have a bunch of Mexican food, and man was it delicious!!!! Our house should really celebrate cinco de mayo every day...or at least once every week!

Tonight there was a performance of Romeo and Juliet at one of the other bilingual schools. We were all really excited about it, but unfortunately because of the rain, it was really hard to hear the people and what they were saying. The play itself may not have been everything we had hoped it would be, but you could tell there was a LOT of preparation that went into it and they did the very best they could. We went in true Honduran style, packing 13 people into a car that should probably only ever hold 7, at the MOST. If nothing else, it was pretty entertaining to watch all the grade 9 students cram into the car. Some things you just can't see anywhere but in Honduras.

To top it all off, last Saturday, I went to the airport to greet my dear friends from Springfield church of God as they arrived here to do their mission trip with Heart to Honduras! What a great time it was seeing them and also seeing all the Honduran translators I made friends with 4 years ago! It was great being back in the same place where I first fell in love with Honduras. I was thrilled to meet a new, younger member added to their group, and I suppose I was excited to see Rita, the crazy lady I now call my sweet friend.

Rita and me, finally reunited so we can just continue bickering with each other like we ALWAYS do. Love her!

Speaking of rain, it is rainy season here now, and it rains ALL THE TIME. I happen to love the rain, except when I have to walk in it. :) What a comforting sound from home. Home, the place in Springfield I get to go back to in just under 2 months now. I want the time to go quickly and slowly all at the same time. Until then, I am going to keep enjoying these little things and remember that they are what will be the big things later on.

After the trek up Ambassador Mountain. Life really is beautiful.

Best Friends Take Honduras (Part 2)

This is coming way later than I would have liked it to, but here it is, the rest of my fabulous week with mis amigas!

We had a nice, peaceful morning on Tuesday, went into town and had a fantastic lunch of iced chai and ice cream (lunch of champions, obviously). Then, we got a bus to a hiking spot called Panacam, where I had tons of interesting talks with the men sitting next to me. Talk about broken Spanish. Eesh! We got a ride up the mountain (or glorified hill, really) in a tuk tuk (moto taxi, all the rage here). We eventually found our way to our room for the night and had plenty of time to get some delicious dinner and then read for a looong time. That was one of my favorite parts about my break, I never get to read quite enough.

We woke up early Wednesday morning and began our hike. I was pretty thrilled to find out that my second time doing this hike was a lot better, and I barely felt like I was dying at all. So, that's exciting! We stopped and took pictures of the two beautiful waterfalls along the way and then came back to our room to clean up. On our way back to Sigua, we stopped along the highway at the lake to get the best fish you will ever eat in your life. Ahhhhh, I love the fish here, seriously. And my friends love it just as much as me. :)

Getting a bus back to Sigua from the fish restaurant was pretty interesting. We stood in front of the place for a while, and then were told the buses never stop here, so we kept moving further down the road. We ended up witnessing an arrest take place while waiting! Don't worry, our lives were never in danger, but it was pretty loud with lots of people yelling and some people bleeding, too. Then, finally, we got a bus back. It was one of those smaller buses and it was already packed full BEFORE we got on. Morgan ended up being able to sit down, not in a seat, but on the floor, while Debra and I held on for dear life with no room to plant our feet and barely anything to hang onto. We crossed a lot of personal space boundaries that don't actually exist here. The man standing up right behind me was actually able to go into full sleep mode...I was so impressed!

Finally, we got off the bus and made it back to the house, and later went to dinner at another favorite baleada place around here. Yum! Then we were super lazy and laid around reading books until we fell asleep. In the morning, Debra woke up feeling like death, so we laid low that day. Morgan and I went to the Children's Home to hang out with the kids there who didn't go anywhere for their spring break. Then, Thursday night we didn't do much except watch a bunch of movies, which is always fun, especially with my best friends!

Friday morning, we headed out with some friends to see the sawdust carpets, literally carpets made out of sand that are only on display for a day to celebrate Good Friday. They. Are. Beautiful. You almost just have to see them in person for yourself to know what I mean. We finished the day eating Pizza Hut and just enjoyed a day with friends.

Sadly, our time had to come to a close and we got on a bus (a NICE bus that we didn't have to wait for on the side of the road and they even played a movie for us while we rode!) and went to San Pedro. Then, we said our goodbyes. Luckily, they made their flight just in time, since the line to pay their exit fee out of the country was ridiculously long that morning!

It's funny, Debra had tears when they first got here, and I had tears when they left. It's been a hard adjustment back to life without them here at my house and in my life everyday. Even though it was only a week, it did my soul so much good. Love these girls and am forever grateful they were able to make the trip down.

God is good, that I know for sure. Can't wait for our next Honduran adventure we have together!

Best Friends Take Honduras (Part 1)

On April 12th, I had some very special visitors come to see me...last January, my sweet friends Debra and Morgan told me they wanted to come visit during my spring break, which also happened to be Morgan's spring break, too. Talk about perfect timing! Before we knew it, tickets were bought and plans were set in motion. I quickly learned that during Semana Santa (Holy Week for all of Honduras), it's not uncommon for most people to pick up and head out to a beach for the week. Not only that, but Thursday and Friday before Easter, practically our whole town shuts down. Still, we were able to pack some really fun trips into our time, and more importantly they got to see what the real Siguatepeque is like.

They were scheduled to arrive at 11:30 at the airport, which is 2 hours away from my house. However, due to lots of delayed flights and not being able to Apparate themselves to the next terminal gate (Yes, I just made a Harry Potter reference...), they were put on an extra flight to get them here around 4 p.m. instead. My good friend, Hector, was kind enough to drive me to get them since taking a bus in that late would have been impossible. As soon as I walked into the airport, I looked around quickly and saw them running toward me! Ahhhh, what a sweet reunion!

On the way home, we stopped at my favorite baleada place, and they of course LOVED them. Right after dinner they immediately passed out from exhaustion, and so did I, since I was too excited to sleep much the night before! Sunday morning, we went to church, exchanged money for them and bought bus tickets to get back to the airport the next Saturday (those two events were extremely comical to watch, I'm sure. I have enough Spanish to get myself by, I know how to order most food so I don't go hungry, and I know how to tell the taxi driver where to take me. I do not, however, have a lot of practice in buying a bus ticket, but between Morgan and me, and Debra for moral support, we got the job done.) We finished the daily outings by visiting the market, which was really enjoyable to watch them take it all in for the first time The market can seem really overwhelming, but it's really fun to buy fruits and veggies, and (try your best) to speak Spanish with the people. After a much needed time of relaxation, we went to dinner that night for pupusas, which also proved to be a winner for my friends. :)

Monday morning, despite my gigantic amount of fear about taking a bus to the capital city, we headed out for Tegucigalpa to meet up with a friend of Morgan's who's living there working for a ministry called Zion's Gate. We got a bus easily enough, although there was barely enough room for me to fit on my seat, but then when we were 9 miles away from the city, we got stopped at a typical police stop and stayed there FOR AN HOUR!! We finally got tired enough and got outside to take a few selfies, then we were finally able to leave. After three phone calls to get directions to the ministry, our taxi driver got us there and we enjoyed a few hours seeing what they do and how they are helping further God's kingdom. I love hearing testimonies of faith from other believers and how God is working. Let's just say, I was reminded once again just how living and active a relationship can look like.

Making or way BACK to Sigua was a little more interesting. We literally waited an hour to get a bus back, and every single one that passed as we waited at the bus stop was NOT heading in our direction. Eventually, a bus pulled up, that barely had any people on it, and took us back home. I was never so relieved to see the signs for Sigua in all my time here as I was then. This trip was really scary for me, only because there is an extra amount of caution you have to take when going to this city because of the "danger factor". I just want to say that what we experienced was anything but dangerous. That day trip changed my view of the people of Honduras so much, and all for the better. People in this country are among the nicest and kindest I know, certainly more kind than what I experience most days in the States. We could learn a thing or two from the people here. God is alive and active and certainly working in the hearts and lives of Hondurans, no matter what it might say on paper. Just spend a few days here and you will soon realize, as long as you are careful and pay attention to your surroundings, there's really not much that is "threatening" to your safety.

We ended the day with a night of pizza and watching Frozen, aka eating the best pizza EVER and watching one of the best movies ever made as well. :) Top that off with having these girls here with me to share it? #Priceless

These are the Days

This last month has been a whirlwind of fun adventures and new realizations of just how good God really is. For starters, I get to live in the most beautiful country that I've ever been to my entire life, it's not just a short visit.

After returning from Christmas break, I quickly realized that life here (or anywhere) is much more fun when you get out and really LIVE it! A couple weekends ago, we went on a super fun day trip to a beautiful waterfall, a cool Honduran version of a swimming pool (little fishies included at no extra charge, of course) and even did a rope swing! Then we had a quick photo shoot on an overly large sized chair painted like the Honduran flag and had an amazing lunch with the lake as our wonderful view. Tilapia here is better than any other that I've had, you should try it if you ever find yourself down this way. :)

That day was easily one of my single most favorite days, mainly because of the simplicity of it. That, and of course the good company. I love the people I get to do life with here.

Last weekend, we had another fun Saturday, road tripping with a caravan of about 20 gringas (white people) to the Hot Springs. Seriously, it's out in the middle of nowhere unless you know where you're going. Hot is an understatement for these springs, as you could definitely cook an egg in these waters, which I very well did, in fact! Seriously, though, it was so good getting to hang out and chill with some terrific missionary friends, and doing some light rock climbing was just as wonderful, although our muscles were SERIOUSLY feeling it the next few days. I also made the mistake of wearing sunscreen with spf 30 when my skin has always needed 50...oops! Let's just say I still have a sunburn more than a week later! #LessonLearned

The view from where I lounged most of the day.
They're fun to climb around on, too!

I told you I cooked an egg....

This past weekend was our quarterly Girls Night that we do here at the school for high school girls, and this time we invited those crazy 6th grade girls, too. Not only that, but Miss Sarah and I decided to make it a sleepover because we've had so many requests for one. From 7:30 p.m. to about 10:00 a.m., the school was full of energetic girls who just wanna have some fun. We had a dance party (thanks to the awesome student teachers who actually like to dance), a bonfire where we learned some new Spanish songs and taught them some from America and Canada, and before we settled in watching movies for the night, some of the girls wanted to get wet. I thought this a rather odd request, but we said if they filled up buckets, we would dump them on them. Well, in case you didn't see it coming, like I very much so did not, those buckets of water were thrown at US in about 2 seconds. There are few things I despise more than wearing jeans that are dripping wet, but even so, it turned out being the highlight of Girls Night, throwing water on the teachers and being super silly is sometimes all you need to wind down from a stressful week of final exams. Thank You, Lord, for giving me these wonderful kids to witness and watch them grow into strong women of faith. Thank You for giving us nights where we can forget about all the work and just let loose and have fun.

Some of my crazy grade 7 ladies.

After all the sleepover fun was done and over with, I got some work done and then felt the sleepiness kick in, that's what happens with only 3 solid hours of sleep, I guess! A 3 hour nap on a Saturday afternoon is quite fantastic. Follow that up with the best chicken baleadas in town for dinner, doing the Cha Cha slide in our living room with some of my favorite friends here, finished off with yet another circus experience! That is what I call a perfect day.

Perfection looks different for all of us, including church, which Caitlin and I tried a new experience of that this morning when she had the brilliant idea to listen to a church sermon out in our little kiddy pool while sunbathing. Not gonna lie, traditional church services will be hard to get used to from now on, so relaxing chilling in a pool in a swimsuit instead of sitting in a pew.

All that to say, Honduras has taught me a lot in the past few weeks. It's taught me how God loves to show up in completely unexpected ways just to remind you just how special you are to Him. Today, I'm fighting the urge to be sad because of some recent circumstances with a friend here, but I'm convinced that everything, and I do mean everything, happens for a beautiful reason that God rarely reveals on OUR timetable.

I have great friends here that I can't imagine having this experience without.
I have encouragement in everyday conversations with the people here in my life.
I have skype dates with the people from my other home whom I miss daily.
I have students that I love more than I ever thought I possibly could.
I have views of the mountains that are beyond belief.
I have hope that life can only get better, even when there ARE moments of harsh reality.
I have joy in a Father who loves me and directs my path even when I feel completely lost.
I have more moments of laughter in the simplest things.
And I have a place I call home.
Honduras.