In Time..

As usual, I have let time get away from me and it's been a few days since I last updated. Since my last blog, I've come to realize a few things, and have been extremely thankful for the chance to be here for this season of my life. God keeps showing me grace, especially when I get really disappointed about how I'm doing in the classroom. I have really high, unreasonable expectations of myself and how I perform, yet God keeps saying "I sent you here, and you just have to trust my reasoning for that. You don't have to work for my approval, I already have a much higher appreciation for you than you do for yourself."

Yes, God's been showing me over and over again how He doesn't expect us to work in order to earn His love. I think we can easily become distracted by that and thinking that we aren't "good" enough. He doesn't care about our actions, He cares about our hearts. So maybe my actions here don't show that I have gained the respect from my students that I feel I should have. Here's the thing, though, the problem isn't that my students don't respect me, they're just used to acting crazy no matter what. I am a FIRST YEAR TEACHER. Clearly I do not know too well yet what I am doing. They find ways to get away with things that experienced teachers would never allow. Yes, I have a lot to learn, but what I've learned already is invaluable.

Two very memorable moments happened for me this week with teaching. First, we had parent meetings on Friday for parents to discuss their students' parcial one grades. It was already an extremely difficult day and I literally went to my room and cried right before those meetings started. As I was ending the meetings, one of my 9th grade girls looked at me and said, "You're a really good teacher, Miss Brenna." My response was of course, "are you being sarcastic right now?" (She's known to be a huge goofball). I will never forget her response: "You're like a warrior. I mean, we act like animals in your class and you still put up with us." Man, if that's the biggest way I ever reflect Jesus in my teaching, I'll take it. I may not know what I'm doing 90% of the time, but these kids notice my effort. They see me trying and not giving up, but little do they know how hard it is to keep going some days. In reality, comments like that are what keep me going. I tell God multiple times a week how I can't do this, how He maybe made a mistake in sending me here. As soon as the thought gets out, I laugh at myself at how ridiculous that sounds. Again, I have to remind myself how He didn't send me here to do a good job, He just sent me here to love people and be like Him. The way I reflect Christ just happens to look very different than what I had in mind. It doesn't make my work here any less important for the kingdom of Heaven. So, in talking about what I'm thankful for, that's another one of them. God never ever calls any of us to be perfect, He just calls us to give it all up for Him and go where He's leading. I know I have a LONG way to go, but I also know I never would have learned the things I'm learning right now if I didn't take that step and follow God down here to Honduras.

I couldn't be more grateful for the way God keeps affirming my being here. I can't tell you in all honesty that every new day that comes to an end leave me in all smiles, but I CAN tell you that I appreciate the amount of love God has for me in order to show me these things about myself and to stretch my faith even more. I've been through really hard times before, as many of us have, and because I have, I know God is going to bring a lot of good out of this season, too. It just might take a while to notice. Until then, I'm enjoying the little moments I get that help me make it through another day.

So, my second memorable moment happened this morning at church when I saw two of my 9th grade boys on the other side of the building and they waved to me. Then, when we were all shaking hands and welcoming people (which really just means Caitlin and me standing there looking socially awkward), one of those boys made his way over just to say hi to me and give me a hug. Again, will never forget that moment. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him, but it shows me that he cares. I keep holding on because God has blessed me with 62 reasons to love my life, and that's only counting my students! Yes, there are definitely times when one of those 62 reasons drives me crazy and/or leads me to tears later in my room, but if that's what it takes to get to those really great moments, then give me those tears. Teaching isn't about feeling satisfied every second of every day with the work you're doing. It's working towards hopefully having those rare moments where you realize what you do matters. That's why I teach. That's why I hold on to Jesus now in a way that I never did before. My students may not ALWAYS show love to me, but my Heavenly Father does. That's more than enough for me.