I'm angry that I don't know Spanish better yet. Yeah, I know, "Brenna, it;s only been 3 months, give it time." I, however, am impatient, especially about this because I just feel like I should be able to communicate a little better. It's harder living in a Spanish speaking country because you just want it to come naturally and quickly because it's around you all day everyday, but it hasn't happened that way for me.
My students...well, sometimes it seems like nothing has changed at all from the beginning of the year until now. I know that is not completely true because I've built some great relationships with many of my students, but as a whole, IN the classroom while I'm trying to teach, I feel like a sinking ship. I wish I could tell you I only have some "days" like that, but the truth is, EVERY day is like that, at least to some degree. I did hear a great little bit of wisdom tonight from my friend, Sue, tonight that I wanted to share. "Know what you knew in the beginning is still true today." God gave me a very clear command that He wanted me here by opening up all of these doors and allowing me to be here. Because of that, I know that I'm STILL supposed to be here, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. It'd be a lot easier to pack up and go home and be surrounded once again by family and friends who are such a great support system. On the other hand, it would break my heart into 62 pieces, because I love these students of mine and what each one of them is teaching me through being here. I would miss every one of these kids in a way I don't even want to think about right now. Shoot, even when we just have extended weekends, I start to miss the little monsters. Okay, they're not ALL monsters, but there is a good number of them that certainly test my patience every single minute.
I also have this messed up view of myself, remember I am a first year teacher, and comparing myself to all the other teachers. None of the other people I teach with here are first year teachers, except my friend, Nikki, but she gets Kindergarten kids, a whole different story. So, having said that, a lot of things are just going to suck for me while I muddle my way through this. So yes, today is TOUGH. This year is TOUGH. It may never get any better at all until my second year of teaching. Even knowing all of that, I also know even more certainly that God is using this. I know, too, that He is okay with me getting upset. It's not a sin to get angry. The sin is when you stay that way and never try to do anything about it. God created us, He knows our inmost parts and our deepest secrets/fears/desires. Even in knowing all of that, He also knows what we can handle or He wouldn't give us the obstacle to begin with. I believe wholeheartedly God gave me this challenge right now because He does know I can take it. He never promised I would look good while doing it. He never promised I would enjoy it even a little bit. He never even promised that I would see the purpose of having this trial until much further on down the road of my life. What He DID promise is that He would be there. I know He's holding my hand, mostly because it's the only reason I keep waking up in the morning to do this job. I know I'm not alone.
So as I ask myself what I'm thankful for, my answer is above. How great is it that I serve a God who gets me even when all I can muster is the phrase "this really sucks right now"? Only the Lord could still love me through that when I literally have nothing left to give on my own. I don't follow a God who always gives me what I want. I follow a God who always gives me what I need. I can't wait to look back on the other side of this season and see what God did with it. Until then, I'm going to keep waking up every morning and pleading Him to make His presence known to me; to keep drawing me closer; to not let me give up; and especially to hold me when I can no longer hold myself up.
I'm thankful today to serve the God I serve and to know He understands when I feel angry. Thank You, Jesus, for loving me enough to work through that anger with me instead of leaving me alone.
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