Sinking

Sinking.
Some, actually most, days I feel like I'm doing just that. I know I've said I've had hard days here, but today was without a doubt the hardest. Some of my students went to my principal last week and expressed their feelings about my class. That turned into an all class meeting time where my students all got to speak their peace about the things they don't really like about my class. Gosh, in the spirit of being completely honest, it sucked.

My boss came in and translated for me and my principal talked with the kids about all the somewhat irrational things they didn't like about me. I'm certain God was the only reason I was not only still standing at the end, but still smiling, too. Of course, as soon as it ended I came to my room and bawled for my prep time until I had to put that smile back on and face my last class of the day.


I know first year teachers have it hard, and many teacher friends of mine describe their first as a year from hell. I, however, was just NOT expecting it to be this hard. I thought student teaching was bad. This is harder. Much, much harder.

What I CAN say I'm thankful for is my principal. Even though we speak different languages, she is pretty amazing at supporting her teachers. I mean, every single thing the kids said, she was there to defend me and call them out on how childish they were acting. It was a breath of fresh air to feel that supported by her. Another thing that made that class period easier was hearing a few of my students stick up for me and call the students out for how they act in class. They try to throw ALL the blame on me and two of my girls were NOT having it. I'm so blessed to have students like that. These kids are only in middle school, yet they have wisdom far beyond their years. That is beautiful to get to be a witness to. If no other good ever comes from this year, I know that I've gotten to somehow, although not sure how, touch the lives of some pretty great kids. Maybe all it takes is seeing someone fight through the pain and the struggle. It's literally a miracle in my opinion that any of my students like me outside of the classroom because of how much they see me struggle inside the classroom.

That brings me to my other point. I fully admit to being at fault for some of our classroom issues. I guess the frustrating part is that the kids never really seem to listen when I try to talk to them about that. Some days it feels like all they do, at least a good half of them anyway, is complain to and argue with me about anything and everything. It freaks me out to think I've got this responsibility of teaching them for the rest of the school year. Having said that, it also excites me. I can feel the Holy Spirit in a way I haven't felt Him before. I know I don't know what's ahead of me, but I know who goes before me into each one of my trials.

Just like one of my favorite verses says: "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Thankful for that truth and how I can feel the Spirit moving even right now in THIS moment.

There's been a lot of emotion this year, and with emotion comes crying. At least for me. I think that's what I'm most thankful for, that God lets me vent my feelings with my tears. What's even better is that I know He's catching every one of them.