It's No Ringling Brothers...

Day Three of Giving Thanks:

Tonight I got to experience my first Honduran circus...and I can't say I hated it.

Actually, it was kind of great, certainly no Ringling brothers, but for a third world country, I'll TAKE it! Enjoyed some entertaining acts, like a super flexible girl who was twisting her body in ways I never thought it COULD twist. Throw in a dancing girl in a huge Dora the Explorer suit and you're in for some fun! Really, though, Dora was creepy. They had some dogs doing some cute tricks on it's hind legs. (I would just like to point out that MY dog, Bella, has done that without anyone ever having to train her. Clearly, she'd be great in the circus.) An adorable little boy making jokes made the whole thing pretty great. To top it all off, there was a gigantic snake that they laid on one of the side ledges and then TURNED THE LIGHTS OFF! I really thought I was going to die, especially when a well built, grown man literally jumped over the side and momentarily abandoned his family out of his own fear. However, we all made it out alive. Anyway, long story short, if you haven't experienced a Honduran circus, you just don't know what you're missing!

Above all else, I'm thankful for good friends to enjoy this stuff with. Life in Honduras is ANYTHING but dull.

SO many Things to be Thankful for

Alright, Day Two of Giving Thanks....

I kind of have a lot today.

First, I'm thankful for this 4 day weekend we get and not feeling guilty for being less productive than I usually am. Lounging around with my roommate, Caitlin, watching Lifetime movies (yes, that is correct, they pull us in every time) is actually a really good waste of a day.

Second, I love spontaneous trips to Comayagua (a city 30 minutes from us) for PIZZA HUT! (We also got Dunkin Donuts on the way home - equally wonderful!) To go along with that, I'm really thankful for my friends, Nikki and Kenneth Snipes. They're a great newlywed couple who are always fun to spend time with. I love their hearts for Christ and for serving Him by serving the people of Honduras. Kenneth came down here with Nikki even though he didn't have a job lined up. Nikki came to teach at the school, but together they only bring in one income. It wouldn't be SO bad, except Kenneth drives back and forth to another town that is about 25 miles away every day, so they spend a lot of money on gas alone. The way they trust God to provide always encourages me. I'm so thankful to have them as friends here, and to know that long after this time we have together here ends, I know we will not lose touch with each other. Anyways, I just can't say enough good things about them, they're super wonderful people!

Third, I'm thankful for jamming to country music while driving down the road. Yes, I said it. I'm not one of those who LOVES country music, nor do I go out of my way to listen to it, but for some reason I know a lot of the songs and still end up singing along to them. It must be because so many of my friends from back home are all in love with it. Whatever the reason, it felt good to belt the songs out as we drove home from Pizza Hut.

Dios me está enseñando a ser humilde.

For those who don't know Spanish, the title means God is teaching me to be humble.

My whole experience thus far in Honduras has been nothing short of life changing. I don't think I will ever NOT take an important lesson or truth from Christ everyday that I am here. Lately, humility has been a huge thing God has been working on in my heart.

I usually tend to be one of those people who has to have the last word and who gets super defensive if someone tells me I'm wrong. As I've been taking Spanish lessons these last few weeks, I've also learned that I don't like to NOT understand what I'm doing. If there is a word or concept I don't understand, I just hang my head and tell my teacher "I just can't do it! I don't get it!" I think it's even more frustrating here because ALL I want is to be able to converse with the native people in their own language. I enjoy talking to people, yet here, I am forced to be a little anti social because I literally do not know what to say. It's been good, however, to understand a bit of the frustration my own students must have in learning English.

I don't want to tell you that I've gotten to being a "pro" at being humble, but God has definitely raised my awareness of the importance of having this quality. Part of being humble, for me anyway, is to care more about others' needs around me more than my own. As I've been grading work from my students, some of their work required answers that dig into their personal lives. I've gotten to know my kids a lot just by reading their responses. There is a lot of pain they each deal with, and sometimes I forget that. On top of that, some of them opened up about how they feel about me as a teacher. At the beginning of the year, their answers would have hurt my feelings, but now it just shows me that we BOTH have some work to do. Looking back, I haven't always shown them love in the best way, and for that, I need to publicly recognize that with them. They need to know what I'M thinking and how I'M feeling and that we all need to give a little more, not just them. I am glad they are seeing me mess up, though. I hope and pray it's teaching them that nobody is perfect, and that even people who love Jesus can have bad days or get really irritated with other people. I want my life to reflect that of a humble servant of Christ, and it has to start with where my heart is at.

We have a 4 day weekend that I am SO looking forward to making some big changes for our next parcial! We just finished up our first parcial with exams this past week and now we get to work on plans for the next parcial. For me, that means both with the curriculum as well as the behavior. I am still struggling with my one class I told you about before, so if you could please keep praying for these relationships with those kids, that would be fantastic. =) I just want to shine bright for Christ and bring Him glory, even in the messed up package that I may look like some days.

In order to celebrate the month of giving thanks properly, I am going to try my hardest to post something on here once a day for a different thing that I'm thankful for. Today, in honor of my grandma Sue's birthday, I'm incredibly thankful for her sweet cards she sends me in the mail and the way she has been so intentional with checking in on me even though I'm 2,000 miles away now. I'm also thankful for having such a wonderful family that I can look forward to seeing again in about 50 days. It's hard being so far away from home, and it's even harder when you have such great people waiting for you there. However, it just means the reunion with them will be that much BETTER!

To end, I want to share with you what one of my 7th grade boys wrote in his notebook...
" The best place to me is Heaven. It's the most important place to me because Jesus is there."

Worth More Than Gold

Hi again! I know my last post was about how much we're worth, but just a heads up, this post is about the exact same thing.

This just gets me so excited, and lately, it has proven to be something that a lot of my students and friends around me need to be reminded of. Therefore, I want to keep sharing about it. God's been working on my heart a lot and reminding me still how much He loves us. How much He loves me. Again, this is a truth I have pretty much always known, but it is so easy to forget! This week has gone so smoothly and almost well compared to the past weeks of school. That doesn't mean the students have been any better, really, because they have not improved much from before. What HAS changed is my heart. I don't look at them like, "if these kids don't absolutely love me, I'm not doing my job right." Now I see them more as, "if God loves ME as much as He says He does, then He also loves THEM that much." That is a beautiful thought for me, especially since it has started to open up some doors to go deeper with my students. One of my 8th grade girls has shown real interest in getting to know me and has just done a beautiful job of loving me well.

This relationship has only scratched the surface of where God could take it, but man am I excited! I actually get the chance to have some one on one conversation time with her tomorrow after school, where I really just want to pour into her and show her how much God loves her. She's having some "boy issues". Yes, all you women know what I mean. Gosh, it scares me when young girls bring this up, but it's also exciting to get to show her how her worth does NOT come from a boy liking her, but rather from her Father up above who loves her just as she is.

There's certainly something to be said about beauty in the struggle. That happens to be exactly where I am right now. I am in the struggle. However, I'm encouraged to have numerous people tell me that my kids see that struggle, but they also see me still loving them, still working hard, still persevering. James knew what he was talking about in the Bible when he said "consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, for the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its' work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2) I don't just want this truth to be evident in MY life, but in my students' lives, too. I love what God is able to do with us when we just let Him. That's what I want to do, I want to give God the chance to move and all He asks of me is to be flexible and go where He is leading. If God only brought me here to make a difference in ONE kid's life, I am one hundred percent fine with that. Why? Because I get to be a part of the kingdom work of Christ. I am so blessed to work at a place where I get to talk about Christ and be as open about Him as I want to be, and that the kids here are all so open to Him.

I think I may have gotten a little off track from my original intent with this blog, but let's face it: God is just up to a LOT here right now, and therefore I have a lot to talk about!!

Worth More Than We Know

Since my last post, I've been encouraged and challenged to seek Christ in a much different way. I've always been really good at hearing a message at church or from a friend or mentor and understanding it, but not really getting it. Maybe that's because in the times I've heard those truths, I wasn't in a season of my life where I really felt the need to cling to it. Well, you know those students I wrote about last time? They haven't gotten any better. In fact, in some ways, they've gotten worse. Monday did NOT start off the way I wanted it to, which was super tough.

However, before you go thinking that I'm miserable here, just stay with me for a minute. My self esteem always seems to plummet the further in I get with teaching, which stinks, but it's also a reality for many teachers, especially those in their first year! I didn't think I would be able to handle this entire year if this is the feeling I have to battle everyday. Then, God brought up different, beautiful truths for me to hold onto. First of all, I have a big issue with comparing myself with other teachers who are way better at what they do than I am. It even makes swapping "teacher stories" awful because the whole time they're talking, all I can think of is how bad I am at what I do. Even at our Canadian Thanksgiving on Monday night, it was hard for me to dive in because of how much I let the kids get to me earlier in the day. Um, this is a really stupid thing to do. I am slowly learning to not do this to myself, but sometimes I really just can't help it! Another teacher here, James, has given me a lot of advice for my kids, and some has worked and some hasn't. The thing is, his classes go ten times better than mine do because 1) he is a man and 2) he has done this for 3 years already. Then, I look at his ability and think "why can't I do that?" The answer to that is easy: I'm just starting out. Nobody's first year of teaching is a walk in the park. Most days I feel so overwhelmed with work that I don't even have time to cry, which is all I actually want to do sometimes.

Anyway, God has been reminding me not to compare myself. The person He created ME to be is perfect, for right now, for this season. He is going to stretch me and strengthen me in crazy ways this year, and my only option is literally just to cling to Him with all that I have and let Him do it. My dear friend here sweetly reminded me of this verse in Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord, your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing." I love imagining God doing this with me, every moment of every day, especially those moments I'd rather not have to endure in the classroom.

See, when it comes down to it, the world can throw anything at me that it wants to, and satan can do everything in his power to defeat me. None of that changes who I am in Christ. None of that makes me worth any less in Christ's eyes. Friends, I can't tell you how absolutely freeing and refreshing and life-breathing that truth is. In all honesty, I am nothing without Jesus. There is nothing in me that is worth anything outside of Christ. There is not a single special thing about me except Christ. As a result of Christ being where I find my identity, He allows me to have something to offer this world. Something to offer Honduras. Something to offer my students here in Siguatepeque. It is that fact that keeps me going. I want to strive to be rooted in Christ so much so that I am constantly overwhelmed because His presence in my life is so abundantly clear.
                       John 15: 4-5 "Remain in me and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. Yes, I am the vine and you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing."

Firework

As I sit here working on my lesson plans for the week, yes, I've been putting them off all weekend, I keep thinking about the sermon at church this morning. The pastor talked a lot about how every single part of our lives is a testament to our faith. Not only that, but to be living out our mission each day and in all aspects of our day. Goodness, that is a really hard pill for me to swallow. It's easy for me to think that since I'm a 'missionary" here, that I'm always showing God's love in my daily life, but I don't think that's the case. See, I'm having a real struggle with one of my classes this year. Not just your typical problems, but the kind where that class is full of kids who, when all put together, are just a natural struggle. The thing is, many days it seems like I'm the only teacher who struggles with them.

I read their bell ringer journals this weekend, and quite a few kids mentioned how angry I seem in class most days (because they act absolutely ridiculous) and how I never listen to their opinions and I don't really care about them. Clearly, that is not true, but am I really the only person who believes what they say isn't true? Could it be that I am so obsessed with them behaving and telling them to be quiet when I'm talking that I get angry when they don't, and therefore let it affect the way I come off to them? Gosh, I don't want to be that teacher who all my kids just wish would go back to the States already, but I can't help but think that is exactly how a few of them feel. The problem isn't really them, I mean, it is, but it isn't. It's the way I handle them. As I looked back on this week, and the last few weeks really, I haven't been taking this issue to God the way I normally would. I just keep thinking, "it'll get better". Yet it never does. Whenever I'm praying about something, God shows up in ways that I never would have seen Him had I NOT been praying. I want to give this situation, wholly and completely to Christ, trusting that He will work through it.

The one thing, if anything, that I wanted to bring to these kids was the love of Christ. I'm not doing a very good job. Obviously that is because it's been me trying to do it, instead of me letting God have control of the situation. I wanted to post this for two reasons. First, I don't want to come off in my posts like my spiritual life is going well, because clearly, at the moment, it isn't. And second, I want to share this with you so you can keep me accountable. Most of you reading this have other means of contacting me, so I would love it if you could be praying with me about this, and also contact me and ask me how this week is going. Help me keep God in focus, instead of myself. God created community for a reason, no matter how far away we may be, I need some accountability. So, feel free to ask me how I'm doing!

Thanks for listening to my problems, it feels good to get them off my chest. In the words of my campus ministers: "This is going to be the best week ever!" That doesn't mean anything is for sure going to change, except how I view myself and my relationship with God. Plus, when it comes down to it, that's the only thing that matters, anyway. I called this Firework because I've been listening to that song by Katy Perry. I know it's not based on our faith lives, but it totally could be if you think about it. "You're a firework, come on, show 'em what you're worth. You're a firework, come on, let your colors burst!" We should be fireworks for Christ, in whatever it is we're doing. I want to be a beautiful firework, but I can't do that only in my own strength. It's time to re evaluate my heart and make sure it's chasing after things of Heaven, not after things of this world.

Good in the Midst of Struggle

Man, today seemed a little touch and go at times, but as I look back on it, it was a fantastic day full of God's love. It may have just taken me a little longer to notice.

Today was full of sweet little blessings. I got to meet with my new friend and mentor, Sue, and really just vent all my frustrations to her. She lovingly reminded me that, even though I am struggling with some of my students, I can't take it personally. And I also can't expect them to like me. And that is okay. Whew! If I go into it not expecting any kind of deep bonding between them, it makes it easier when they act terrible in class. What's great, though, is that I still have little moments that are great with them.

I've felt so blessed by being here, for instance, I have some really great friends who I get to share life here with, and I have great roommates who I get to do all the mundane stuff with. It's just nice to have people to do that with, instead of on my own. And we also go do totally random, impromptu things! Like tonight, for example, I had literally just gotten out of the shower and my roommate Caitlin and Cristian, one of the other English teachers, were like, "let's go see a movie!"...so we did just that. It's things like this that keep life here interesting and exciting.

I started running again, slowly but surely, since it's been QUITE  a while since running. We literally just run around the school campus, in circles. But, it's better than all the hilly roads! Tonight I had a great run to let off some steam, from the day, SO wonderful. We also have a cook who comes to the house three nights a week to make us dinner. Now, before you go saying how spoiled we are here, cooks are SUPER cheap here, which is why we have one. It's just nice to not have to have peanut butter sandwiches or scrambled eggs from a microwave every night. (None of us in the teacher house are cooks...)

Anyway, just a quick blog to share all the crazy good blessings, and that's just from TODAY! I love life here, even the hard parts. I still miss some things from home, but every day, this life feels more normal. That's exactly how I want it to feel, because it means that, even if I'm doing everything else wrong, I know I'm doing what God wants me to do simply because I am here.

One of my 7th grade boys, who is actually one of my harder kids to discipline, gave me a belated birthday present, which included a pretty necklace that just says "love" on it. Yes, God shows His love for us in all kinds of ways, sometimes He just makes us look a little harder for them. I think He also gives us these great moments or days to give us something to strive for once we have another "harder" day, because we know another good day isn't far off, we just have to keep waiting and obeying. Oh, and my student also got me some bright, rainbow-colored hair clips. Yes, Jesus loves me for sure, because obviously that's my favorite color, anything bright!!