The Place Where You Suffer

So there’s this song that has been hitting my soul a lot over the past 24 hours. I’ve had this woman’s music on my iTunes for well over 2 weeks now, and have listened to this song before, yet never heard the true meaning of it until I looked up the lyrics. I have always been one to appreciate music, and even more so the lyrics to those specific tunes. This song really doesn’t come off as one that “sounds” all that exciting, but when you take in the words and listen to the real message, it is beautiful, breathtaking, and gut-wrenching all at once.

For the last few days, the theme in my life has been on relationships. I have been struggling with how I am not only content with my life as a single woman, but truly loving and embracing it at the moment. Having said that, it seems to be easy for non-single people to call out that maybe I need to focus on finding a husband. Hmmm, maybe if I were interested in finding one right now, I would be okay with that statement. BUT, I have no desire to be in a romantic relationship right now. I love the ways God reveals Himself to me in my singleness, and I know that, for me, my relationship with Christ will continue to blossom much more if I don’t add a man to the equation. I’m not saying I never will get married, but I am saying that in this season, it’s really not even on my radar. I just wish it would get off of some other peoples’ radar, too. 

Anyway, because of much of these kinds of conversations coming up in my life,when I heard this song, "Come Close Now", by Christa Wells, I couldn't help but play it over and over and over again because it spoke such truth to me.

“I’m afraid of the space where you suffer

Where you sit in the smoke and the burn
I can’t handle the choke or the danger
Of my own foolish, inadequate words
I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

How often are we afraid of the pain someone else is going through? How often do we think “Man, I’m not going to be able to say anything or do anything that is going to help them, and I sure don’t want to make it harder for them. I think it’s best if I just stay away. I’ll make sure to pray for them, though.”?

Friends, prayer is a GREAT tool. It is how we can interact with God whenever we want and however we want. It’s what He constantly wants us to do because He always wants to be chatting with us. In this scenario, though, when we have people in our lives who we know, but don’t really ever get close to, what does that honestly say about our lives? Even more so, what does it say about our walks with Jesus Christ if ALL we're doing is praying for them? So many times in scripture, He was known to be doing life with people. He hung out with sinners. He spent time with His disciples. He showed He cared by more than saying, “I’ll make sure I talk to my Father about that”, and then just walking away. He sat with them. He ate with them. He listened to their stories.

In today’s world, He would have done more than just send them a sweet message via facebook or twitter or some other social media. He would seek them out. He would let them know He wanted to spend real, actual time with them.

This song’s main focus talks about people going through “fires”, which I will post more on that later. If we think about others’ trials, or just daily living, as fires, it makes it scarier. It makes it more real. It makes it even harder to approach them. Yet, here’s God saying, “Go after them. Go love them. Go sit and talk with them. Or even better, go sit and be silent with them.”

“I’m afraid of the place where you suffer, where you sit in the smoke and the danger” 

We’re afraid to enter in to that place with them. Why? I think the next lines help sum that up.

 “I can’t handle the choke or the danger. Of my own foolish, inadequate words. I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

It’s okay to admit that we don’t have the words to make life easier for a friend. Really, we don’t have those healing words that make the pain go away. We don’t have the power to erase pain. Christ does. And HE calls us to love people where they are by being there. By showing interest in them. By going the extra mile to make ourselves available to them. That last line of that verse above is what I keep settling on. Yeah, I don’t have the right words. However, I CAN come sit with you. I CAN make myself available. I CAN let you know by my actions that I really am here. We can all do that. These lyrics sound as if this person went to their friend’s house and, even though their friend is in pain, is saying, “I’m going to be right here for you, if you want to talk or if you just want me to come and sit with you.”

I want to embrace relationships. I want to embrace the opportunities I’m given to love those around me simply with my presence. Most of the time, those hurting friends of ours don’t want words, because they already know we will fail them with those words. What they want is us to be there. To love them. To not give up on them even if they give up on themselves.

Let’s go in and be part of that place where suffering occurs. Let’s go sit right outside and let others know that we’re here for them.

Best Day Ever? Yes!

I must say, life since my last blog has been full of little surprises, some welcomed, some not so much. For starters, a few days after I last wrote, I got a wonderful surprise on my doorstep! It came in the form of my good friend, Rob, who I was fully expecting to have to go get him at the bus stop. However, he made the trip straight to my school and 2 hours before I was going to leave to pick him up, he's right in front of me in the flesh!!! It's a super weird/awesome feeling to have someone here in this country who already knows all about my life before ending up here. It's like all the work and stress of having to explain yourself to the people around you just goes away. What was even better was getting to show him around town, introduce him to all my favorite foods that he'll never get to experience in the States. I think the coolest part is that neither one of us really tried to meet up here. He was doing some mission work in Guatemala and was going to be in Honduras for part of it. You can read his blog about his time there here: http://crobarnett.wordpress.com/2014/02/12/zions-gate/ . I just mentioned he should come visit since he wouldn't be so far away. God works things out in really incredible, incomprehensible ways sometimes. I mean, we went hiking one day while he was here and as we were looking out at the absolutely breathtaking view of the mountains that are almost anywhere you go in Honduras, we just couldn't believe that we were experiencing that moment together! Rob and I used to be on the worship team at our campus ministry, Christian Student Fellowship, together. If you would have told us 3 years ago that we'd be hanging out at my home in Honduras now, clearly we would have thought that was crazy. Yet, there we were.

     Not only that, but Rob got to meet my kids, and we got to have some good, deep conversations about where our hearts are at with where we both feel like God is calling us to next. Like he told all of my students, it's actually exciting to not know what's next in our lives, but to just blindly follow Him and keep constant communion with Him. It was so good to have him here and see life from his perspective. So thankful to have that time with him, and excited to see how our paths may cross again in the future!

Since returning back to school, I've seen absolutely no improvement in the classroom some days, and then other days I am filled with so much hope because it actually went WELL. Today, I just need to share that I had my "BEST. DAY. EVERRRR!" (Quoting from Tangled, of course!) I'm not saying it was perfect, or even great. However, looking at it as a whole, I didn't have a single class where I thought, "ugh, this is never going to get any better". My students have started getting used to this new behavior chart we introduced in high school, mainly for my benefit because we need a better way of disciplining them. To my great surprise, it's working!!! That doesn't mean it'll work every day, but for the days it does, I am so thankful.

I had my 9th grade students do a comparison of old English (aka New King James) and new, modern English (aka The Message) while looking at 1 Corinthians 13. Many of them made the comment, "we never get in the Bible." Sadly, that's all too true, and a fact I really want to change. As we read through what all the things love looks like, I saw them genuinely responding. I asked them if anything stuck out to them, maybe something they felt like they could work on more, or something that encouraged them or they just enjoyed reading. I gave them 10 minutes in class to write a response, and one of my more "in-tune" students said, "why don't we replace the word love with our name?" So, I had them read the verses to themselves again and put their own name in place of 'love'. As I watched them read it again, I saw them take it seriously, and as they wrote their answers, the bell was getting ready to ring and they all still had so much more to say. They not only like being in the Word, but they crave it. Just like we all should. I let them take it home with them so they could take more time to think up real, genuine answers. I am really excited to see where this goes, and even more excited an encouraged to do this kind of thing with them more often! I've made it too easy to just let those lessons go undone because we have so much else to do, but the reality is, some of these kids may never go deeper in their relationships with Christ unless their teachers (at their Christian school) not only gives them the opportunity, but puts it in the lesson plan.

Here's to an exciting, Christ-filled rest of the school year! I can't wait to report back again with even more ways the Lord gives me to reach these students with His truth!

See, if we really have Christ inside of us, then we have love, because that's what He is. God is love. In light of that, our lives should mimic this. I've still got a long way to go, but it's never a bad idea to evaluate where we're at and just what exactly we're doing for the Kingdom. Just in case you're interested in reading those same verses and replacing YOUR name with the word 'love, here you go:

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Love doesn’t have a swelled head,
Love doesn’t force itself on others,
Love isn’t always “me first,”
Love doesn’t fly off the handle,
Love doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Love doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Love takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Love puts up with anything,
Love trusts God always,
Love always looks for the best,
Love never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

A Work In Progress

This week has been a new realization for me. Well, maybe not new, but definitely a difficult pill to swallow either way. You see, I’m discovering how bad I am at problem solving, especially right on the spot, which is really the only time I ever need to problem solve, anyway. I’ve had a rough few days of just total disrespect and kids not caring in one of my classes. It is super frustrating. We literally had one class where we didn’t get anything done because I kept waiting for them to be quiet. That time never came, though. The only thing that did was the bell. As much as I should have cared, I really just couldn’t wait to get out of there. Then, yesterday, the same thing started to happen However, this time, one of my students who really does want to learn practically begged me to continue even a midst the chaos that was my classroom at that moment. In my head, I was freaking out because I literally had no idea how to still teach the one of two kids who still wanted to learn and let it still be effective when the rest of the class was acting like complete idiots. I hate wasting time, especially when it is my own. I feel like when I talk and nobody is listening, I am making the biggest possible waste of my time. The ironic thing is that even if I only have ONE kid willing to listen anymore, it’s still enough. I became a teacher because I wanted to make a difference. Maybe right now my only chance to make a difference in this particular class is to only teach to the one who wants it. That’s hard to accept, but I should really be counting my blessings that I even HAVE one willing to still listen and learn!

Today, I had a double block with this same class, and man, by the time Friday hits, we are all just tired of one another. Go figure. Well, the same thing started to happen, only this time, I had two boys instead of one pushing me to keep teaching even though there was so much talking going on. I decided to only give the worksheet to the kids showing they were honestly invested in the activity. The other ones I told would receive a zero if they chose to act that way all class. Miraculously, they started to figure it out and every kid earned a worksheet to fill out. Now, I am a firm believer that your behavior should affect your grade, because grades area big motivator. I had that whole class quiet and attentive and ready to hear what I was presenting them with. Wow! It was a beautiful ripple effect where they saw their actions had direct consequences, but they could also choose to change their behavior and earn their chance back.

We did another activity afterwards, where they also needed a worksheet from me, and again, I only gave the paper to the kids showing honest attention. Even then, I had 4 more kids who earned a worksheet from the very beginning than I did with the first thing we did. Again, they figured out that I was serious, but they also understood that I wanted them to be involved, but they had to earn it at this point.

Who knows if this will ever work again for me, but I cannot tell you how thankful I am that it worked today. Yes, today was a good day! It’s exciting to say that, mostly because every single day, someone asks me how it went and I always say, “Not great, but it could have been worse.” Today, I was genuinely able to say that every class of mine was good. Again, not great, but shoot, I’ll take what I can get. J

The day ended on an even better note because we had another girls’ night for our high school ladies. I love hanging out with them outside of class time. It’s like getting this beautiful glimpse into what they will be like when they really grow up. However, at the same time, I get to see their childish, romantic side when we watch the movie, Frozen, and the girls all “ooh” and “ah” at seemingly cheesy scenes. I can’t talk, though, because it happens to be my favorite movie. It’s just great to see sides of them I could never see when I’m just Miss Brenna.

Although I feel it’s harder being back here now than it was for the first part of the year, I still feel incredibly blessed to be here with these people, both big and small, and get to do life with them. I have a long way to go before I feel like I’m really helping them along in a significant way as far as their academic career goes, but I know God has given me a gift to share with them. It may just not be found inside the classroom so much as outside of it.

Still finding my way, but either way, it’s a beautiful journey.

Until next time….

Supporting the Community

Hello again!

Today, I bring a different kind of blog. This is my way of reaching out to any and everyone who reads my blog and is maybe looking for a way to support me. It's not exactly me, per say, but more for my kids. A few of my students don't have the benefit of living at home with their parents. Instead, they stay at The Children's Home, which is a place for kids to go and live, much like an orphanage, except their parents still have guardianship of them. The home takes care of them and provides for the kids because their families cannot do it on their own. Many of these kids only get the see their family members in person just a handful of times per year, if that.

Since they struggle so much with finances, extra activities are really hard for them to be a part of. In a couple of weeks, our 7th and 8th grade students are getting to go on an educational trip to Copan, famous for the Copan Ruins, which are part of the Mayan Ruins. Not only this, but Copan also holds a lot of other really exciting, history filled places that is a really big deal for young kids to be able to see and experience about their home country. I would so love to be able to see all of my kids get to go, but the reality is, a couple of them just may not be able to afford it.

The trip itself costs around $150 per kid to go. Now, considering all that they will get to do on this trip, that's really a pretty cheap price. I'm writing this to ask you if you would like to be part of making this trip possible for some very deserving kiddos here. If you would like to give for this, there are a couple ways to do so. You can click on the link attached on this site and it will have you give through Paypal. It is super easy and only takes a couple of clicks! The second option, if you don't like giving through the internet, would be to send a check to my home address in Illinois and then my mom would be able to put it into my account and I can then give it to the school. If you cannot afford to give anything, I completely understand, but if you would keep this upcoming trip in your prayers, as it can get a little bit crazy with up to 40 high schoolers running around with only about 7 chaperones, me being one of them. This is an exciting opportunity for these kids to see history and culture, but it's also a great opportunity to be the hands and feet of Christ and to bond with my students outside of the classroom, which I always love because there is just such a difference in the way they act when we aren't in classroom mode.

If you have any questions or would like my address in Illinois to send a check to, please feel free to email me at brenna@ceehonduras.org

Thank you for reading this and supporting me through my time here, whether that has been financially or spiritually, or both. It is extremely appreciated and I am forever grateful for the love I've been shown while here. How cool it would be to be able to tell these students of mine how much THEY'RE loved, too, just by the simple act of helping to pay their way to go.

Until next time...

-Brenna B.

Coming Home

Goodness, I have SO much to fill you in on since my last update.

First off, right before we all left for Christmas break, we got to be part of the school's annual Christmas Fair. Honestly, I can't even explain to you how great it was. I am honored to be at a school where I get to see my kids outside of the school day. There are just so many opportunities to bond with them without being in the classroom. Plus, it was a great way to celebrate all the accomplishments thus far this year and spend time with my new friends here.

Then, finally, the big moment came. I stepped foot back onto American ground! In typical fashion of all my airport experiences, my first plane took off late and then I ended up having to change my plans, but my family is great and when I landed 10 hours later in St. Louis, my parents and my grandma were there to greet me. It was a great feeling. Not to mention the Subway sandwich and Mcdonald's sweet tea they brought me!

I can't believe how much I packed into those two weeks of being home! Getting to catch up with so many friends and just be in the presence of my family, I could not have asked for more. We had the funeral services for my grandpa Charlie while I was home, too, which was a huge deal for me. I'm so thankful it worked out the way it did and I was able to get some closure with him being gone. It was extremely weird to be at my grandparents' house and only have my grandma there, but it also was really good for me to finally face the reality of life back home.

I never realized how much I could really love my family until it came time to leave. The second time. That was harder. Much harder than I expected it to be. Man, I think I'm still trying to adapt fully back into my life here in Honduras. It also solidified that this is where I am supposed to be right now. As hard as it is, I know this is where God is going to continue to grow me the most in this season.

The crazy winter storm certainly put a damper in my plans, though. What started out as a girls night in St. Louis turned into me being quickly dropped off the night before my early morning flight so my friends could beat the storm back home. That was extremely hard for me. I've discovered that I don't do well with new plans, especially when they have to do with me being by myself to figure them out. Anyway, after getting to the airport bright and early and checking in and what not, we literally had been on the plane for 2 minutes when they de-planed us because of the terrible weather conditions. To make a long story short, my flight to Honduras got rebooked to five days later than expected. The crappy part was that the weather was still too bad at home and was going to get bad again in St. Louis, so it made sense to just stay there. Now, don't get me wrong, I love hotels and everything, but not for 5 days. Nor can I afford a five day hotel stay. However, because God is just that good, He provided me a place to stay: with some really great friends from my old church. Just so happens they live 30 minutes away from the airport! Another long story short, my friend, June, and her family, took me in for 4 days and let me be another member of the family. I will never fully be able to express how much that time meant to me, and just the simple gesture of reaching out and being the hands and feet of Christ. Not only that, but it was SO nice getting to catch up with old friends!

Anyway, they dropped me back at my hotel the night before my new flight and I ended up making it back to school (because of getting a ride with yet ANOTHER great friend) in time to see some of my kids before they went home for the weekend! It's been so good to be back. I think the thing I learned most of all is that I now have two homes. Not only that, but it's okay to have more than one place you call home. I always considered Illinois my home. I soon realized, though, from being home in Illinois, that every time I mentioned Honduras, I always called it home, too. It reminds me of one of my favorite movie quotes: "It's okay to have roots and wings." I couldn't agree more. As much as I love all the people back home in Illinois, I love the people here, too. For that, I'm happy to call this place home as well.

Looking forward to another 6 months of teaching and being taught. I'm also looking forward to stepping out of my comfort zone more this semester. Last weekend was my first real adventure I've had since September. I finally got to have some tilapia at the lake! And I got my first bus riding experience! AND I even ate a fish eye! Oh, and did I mention two of my best friends are coming to visit me over spring break? Yup, I'd say 2014 is looking pretty darn amazing. :)

Almost Home!!

It seems my goal of blogging once a week was an unrealistic goal, but better late than never, right?

The last couple weeks have been filled with some really good challenges for me, and some I have brought my A-game, and some I have not. We have one day left of classes and then Christmas Fair celebrations on Friday. After that, we head home for Christmas!! I am really looking forward to seeing people from home. Even more so to eating all that delicious food you can only find in the States!

Last week and this week, I have had to prove myself as a teacher, and to be honest, I don't know that I'm doing that. Some days look really positive, and others look like a train wreck. It's been hard for me to seek what God is doing in all of this, but nonetheless, if He gives me a chance to keep fighting for my place here, than I will do exactly that. I will not give up. If I do, it's not really giving up so much as it is God telling me He's got a different  path for me to take next. I am learning how to be okay with that. I am also learning it is normal to doubt your own abilities, which is why it is so critical to be in God's presence and keep seeking His will for my life. At this point, I am honestly at a place where I can genuinely say I love these kids with every fiber of my being, however, I do not love the job of teaching itself. There are several reasons for that. First, I am still a first year teacher and still figuring out what I'm doing. Second, I will always be learning, which means there will be plenty of room for mistakes, which I seem to be encountering a lot more often these days than not. Third, I've always had a passion for forming relationships with kids, but I've never been all that good at drawing a line in which we are friends, but I am firstly their teacher. That's probably the hardest thing for me. It's so hard because this job is a ministry in itself, whether you each at a Christian school or not. I like to take advantage of every opportunity I get to connect with my kids and help them learn something new about the Lord and His love for them.

Having said all that, I love it here. I really do. However, I am taking it all in with an open hand, trusting that at any moment He may call me away from here and on to something different. It will break my heart, for sure, but I know He does these things to strengthen us and to remind us HE is in control, not us. I hate accepting that sometimes, but then I also love it because it takes me off the hook from having to know what my future holds myself.

On a different note, the weather back home is ridiculous! I mean, we don't even get SNOW here, let alone weather below 40 degrees. The coldest it's been here is maybe 50 this year. Crazy. Illinois is supposed to get some really bad snow over the weekend, when I'm supposed to be flying home. If you could pray for the weather to be just good enough to still let me fly without any (or at least not many) delays.

Still clinging to this verse:
Philippians 1:6  " being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Burn The Ships

Sorry it's been a while since my last one. My last couple weeks here have been filled with lots of good moments, as well as some harder ones. It started last Friday when my 9th grade students began presenting a song that has had some affect on their faith life with Christ. One of my students presented the song "Burn the Ships" by Steven Curtis Chapman. I had never heard it before, so it was a little mind blowing listening to this young man in my class explain the historical background. The meaning behind it is back during a battle (don't ask me which one, I never claimed to be good at history) where Cortes, the commander in charge, was fighting with his soldiers in Mexico and all of his men wanted to go back because they knew they wouldn't win. Cortes' response was NOT what they wanted to hear. He literally had them burn all of their ships, as a symbol that they were NOT turning back. They would keep fighting and they would either win or die. His reasoning? God had brought them thus far and just because circumstances changed, the original truth that they were right where God wanted them had NOT changed. My 9th grade student was used by God in a mighty way that morning. It's like God was speaking right to me, reminding me that anything worth having in life is worth fighting for. I've listened to that song many, many times since then, just reveling in the truth it holds. I've decided to burn my ships and fight my heart out to be here and to succeed.

Having said that, this past week has been my mos enjoyable week I've had so far, which you know is saying a lot if you have been keeping up with these blogs. Anyway, I've finally started to stop letting every. little. thing. bother me and let some things go that just aren't worth fighting for. I thought it was only me who noticed the change, but by Thursday, some of my students seemed to notice it, too, which felt really good.

My favorite moment this week, and one of my all time "proud teacher moments" so far, was with my 8th grade class. We've been doing these "One Minute Presentations" where they pick a random topic from a container and talk about it, anything they want to say, for 60 seconds. The point is to be practicing their fluency and get used to being in front of the class more often. One of my students has been extremely shy and not confident in her English speaking ability. So, for the past 3 presentations, she gets up and says about three words and then gives up and sits back down. This week, after trying to encourage her to the best of my ability, she got up there and spoke for the ENTIRE 60 seconds! Not only that, but she did a pretty dang good job! Then, the next day when I saw her, she had a huge smile on her face and I told her how proud I was of her, and I could just tell that she was really proud of herself, too. It's moments like these that I live for in teaching.

One thing that's been a struggle is my 7th grade class. They have NOT gotten used to the fact that they need to turn their work in, and therefore they rack up quite a few zeros in the grade book because they never bother handing in all their work. We had a meeting with all the parents, AND the students were all present. It was really good for them to be able to hear their teachers worries as well as their parents' own thoughts. Needless to say, after offering them half the credit back for late work if they turned it in the very next day, I had a LOT of kids rushing up to give me their work. Just when we were worried they didn't care about their grades, there is STILL HOPE!

Some other exciting happenings were we FINALLY got to go see Catching Fire this past weekend, and it was AWESOME! I guess we really didn't have to wait that long, it'd only been out a week by the time we went, but if felt like forever to me. The best part is being able to talk about it with so many of my students now, because we're ALL big Hunger Games fans around here. We also had our school Spelling Bee on Wednesday. Fun fact about Miss Brenna, I LOVE spelling bees! It was so fun seeing my kids go up and try their very best to win. It's so cute how nervous they get, and the best part is when the winner is a super shy girl. Yup, my 7th grade girl, Itzel, won the bee! It was so special to be a part of that. Plus, it's always fun when we get to do a school wide activity of some sort that gets us out of our regular school routine and gets the kids excited.

As good as this last week was, there were still some hard moments, for sure. Not only that, but last Saturday morning, my family said goodbye to my grandpa Charlie. It's so hard being away from family when something like that happens, but I also trust that God does everything for a reason. It just makes me even more excited to go home and see all my family and friends. Speaking of, I'll be home in two weeks! If you're praying you could just lift up these last two weeks up, because as exciting as it is to visit home, this is a really exciting time at the school, too, and I don't want to miss out on that by being preoccupied with thoughts of home. Also, something really difficult came up yesterday for me. I can't exactly talk about it, but I can tell you that I need prayer for it, LOTS of prayer. I've been dealing with a lot of anger over it today, but a dear friend here reminded me the only way to defeat the devil's schemes is to be in the Word, which is exactly where I've been dwelling throughout the day today.

I'll end on this note, from the NLT: James 1:19-21 "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls."

So, yes, times are a little bit hard here for me right now, but I'm still choosing to burn my ships and stick it out. Maybe you need to burn your ships, too. Stay in the fight. Don't give up. If God called you to something, He doesn't change His mind just because your circumstances may have changed. He also does not get worried or bothered by the things that we do. So, give Him your troubles and let HIM take care of them. Maybe I really just wrote that part for myself, because I just need to keep repeating it so I don't forget where it is God wants my heart to be. If I'm focused on myself, I can't focus on Him. So, let's burn those ships, people!

Rest In Peace, Grandpa Charlie. Life here will certainly not be the same without you.