Just RELAX!

Alright, it's been a week since I last blogged, which if you recall was also my hardest day here so far. I am blessed to be able to say that I am in a MUCH different place today, both spiritually and emotionally. The rest of the school week was still not all that great, but it wasn't TERRIBLE, either. Then, on Friday we had Sports Day for the high school. I was asked to be a ref for volleyball and dodgeball. Ha! When Sarah, my roommate and the p.e. teacher, asked me that's exactly what I did. I just laughed. I gladly said I would do it, but inside I was freaking out, luckily Daniel, whose family has been long time missionaries here, came to help me out. Let's just say I wasn't meant to be a ref for any sport of any kind, whatsoever. At the end of the day, we did a soccer game of teachers vs. students. Guess what Miss Brenna was volunteered to be? The dreaded goalie. It turned out being pretty good, I even managed to make myself look kinda good at it! We played for about a half hour with each of the four teams of kids until the bell rang. Then, 20 or so kids wanted to keep playing. With me. So I stayed in the goal and kept trying my best to block them from scoring. Some of the kids who stuck around for so long after were the kids I've been having trouble with in the classroom, so of course I milked those moments of bonding for all they were worth! It was the most fun I've ever had with my kids outside of the classroom, and certainly a highlight of my time here so far. I was so desperate to find a way to connect with them that I even took a HUGE bruise to my leg. If you know me, remember I bruise easily! So now the side of my leg is a pretty black/purple/blue combo. I'm excited to go to class tomorrow and show them how "tough" I am. =)

We had a three day weekend because of the presidential elections here, which as far as I know we still do not have news of the winner. I do know that depending on who gets it, things could get a lot less peaceful around here than they already are. Now, that's talking about the country more as a whole than it is right here where I am located. Either way, it gave us all a good excuse to stay in the house the whole time and not try to venture out into the craziness of the political rallies and parades. We did go grocery shopping and cash our paychecks Saturday morning, and speaking of groceries, I found Jif peanut butter on sale for less than the generic brands I usually buy! Granted, I still payed close to $4 for each jar, that's cheap around here for peanut butter! Random fact, but I thought I'd share that with you!

Saturday was a day of a little bit of work, and I do mean a little, and a lot of watching movies and being extremely lazy. That night, our friends Cristian and Hector came over and cooked Caitlin and me dinner and showed us how to do it ourselves. It was quite entertaining! Then, after begging for 4 nights, Caitlin finally got her wish of getting to set off fireworks outside. Fireworks have no real law on when they can be set off in Honduras, which is partially why they go off ALL the time, and more so when something big in the country happens. Anyway, I am really glad nobody was taking video of them, because I am sure I would have ended up on America's Funniest Home Videos... they set off a bunch, but one literally came after me. I mean, I was running for my life as it went off on the ground, like it's supposed to do, and then started spewing all over the place and shot RIGHT in my direction! Eek! Everyone had a good laugh at my expense, and now that I lived through it, it was pretty funny. Anyway, then it was only 10:30 or something and Caitlin and I decided it would be best to watch a movie instead of go to bed right away. Luckily, we had been discussing Mary Kate and Ashley movies last week, so she downloaded a bunch. Needless to say, before this weekend ended, we watched three of them. Gotta love it! Oh, and speaking of watching t.v., we also watched Duck Dynasty, which was FANTASTIC! (Caitlin also downloaded a bunch of those, thank GOD!) We also got to enjoy some Pizza Hut in Comayagua again because our friends Nikki and Kenneth randomly get the urge to go there and are always wonderful enough to invite us to go along. You NEVER turn down Pizza Hut trips here. Ever. I rarely eat it in the States, but here, it is a luxury that you don't want to pass up!

Yesterday I literally laid around until about 2 in the afternoon watching another one of my shows from home. Usually I don't like to be that lazy, but this weekend was necessary, and I don't regret a single minute of it. I've had some real quality prayer time to get to pray for my students and the relationships we have and I also have begun better contact with some of their parents, which I think will really help them pay attention in class. I'm looking forward to where that goes.

Speaking of prayers, my grandpa Charlie could really use some. My mom informed me he is most likely going to have to go into hospice care because he is not getting any better. I don't want to go into details, but please just keep him in your thoughts and prayers. It's really hard for me to think I may never see him again. I certainly wasn't expecting that when I left home.

As for me, I could use prayers for learning Spanish. I want to learn it NOW. I know that's not realistic, but I get easily frustrated when I don't get it right away. I know it just takes time, and I AM able to understand more and more on my own, so that's a plus! Also pray for us in these next 4 weeks of this parcial. We have a lot to squeeze in before Christmas break and it is already stressing me out a bit. Again, though, I have to keep giving it back to God because it does me no good to worry about it myself. Plus, I know He's already got it all under control.

God bless!
Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Sinking

Sinking.
Some, actually most, days I feel like I'm doing just that. I know I've said I've had hard days here, but today was without a doubt the hardest. Some of my students went to my principal last week and expressed their feelings about my class. That turned into an all class meeting time where my students all got to speak their peace about the things they don't really like about my class. Gosh, in the spirit of being completely honest, it sucked.

My boss came in and translated for me and my principal talked with the kids about all the somewhat irrational things they didn't like about me. I'm certain God was the only reason I was not only still standing at the end, but still smiling, too. Of course, as soon as it ended I came to my room and bawled for my prep time until I had to put that smile back on and face my last class of the day.


I know first year teachers have it hard, and many teacher friends of mine describe their first as a year from hell. I, however, was just NOT expecting it to be this hard. I thought student teaching was bad. This is harder. Much, much harder.

What I CAN say I'm thankful for is my principal. Even though we speak different languages, she is pretty amazing at supporting her teachers. I mean, every single thing the kids said, she was there to defend me and call them out on how childish they were acting. It was a breath of fresh air to feel that supported by her. Another thing that made that class period easier was hearing a few of my students stick up for me and call the students out for how they act in class. They try to throw ALL the blame on me and two of my girls were NOT having it. I'm so blessed to have students like that. These kids are only in middle school, yet they have wisdom far beyond their years. That is beautiful to get to be a witness to. If no other good ever comes from this year, I know that I've gotten to somehow, although not sure how, touch the lives of some pretty great kids. Maybe all it takes is seeing someone fight through the pain and the struggle. It's literally a miracle in my opinion that any of my students like me outside of the classroom because of how much they see me struggle inside the classroom.

That brings me to my other point. I fully admit to being at fault for some of our classroom issues. I guess the frustrating part is that the kids never really seem to listen when I try to talk to them about that. Some days it feels like all they do, at least a good half of them anyway, is complain to and argue with me about anything and everything. It freaks me out to think I've got this responsibility of teaching them for the rest of the school year. Having said that, it also excites me. I can feel the Holy Spirit in a way I haven't felt Him before. I know I don't know what's ahead of me, but I know who goes before me into each one of my trials.

Just like one of my favorite verses says: "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Thankful for that truth and how I can feel the Spirit moving even right now in THIS moment.

There's been a lot of emotion this year, and with emotion comes crying. At least for me. I think that's what I'm most thankful for, that God lets me vent my feelings with my tears. What's even better is that I know He's catching every one of them.

In Time..

As usual, I have let time get away from me and it's been a few days since I last updated. Since my last blog, I've come to realize a few things, and have been extremely thankful for the chance to be here for this season of my life. God keeps showing me grace, especially when I get really disappointed about how I'm doing in the classroom. I have really high, unreasonable expectations of myself and how I perform, yet God keeps saying "I sent you here, and you just have to trust my reasoning for that. You don't have to work for my approval, I already have a much higher appreciation for you than you do for yourself."

Yes, God's been showing me over and over again how He doesn't expect us to work in order to earn His love. I think we can easily become distracted by that and thinking that we aren't "good" enough. He doesn't care about our actions, He cares about our hearts. So maybe my actions here don't show that I have gained the respect from my students that I feel I should have. Here's the thing, though, the problem isn't that my students don't respect me, they're just used to acting crazy no matter what. I am a FIRST YEAR TEACHER. Clearly I do not know too well yet what I am doing. They find ways to get away with things that experienced teachers would never allow. Yes, I have a lot to learn, but what I've learned already is invaluable.

Two very memorable moments happened for me this week with teaching. First, we had parent meetings on Friday for parents to discuss their students' parcial one grades. It was already an extremely difficult day and I literally went to my room and cried right before those meetings started. As I was ending the meetings, one of my 9th grade girls looked at me and said, "You're a really good teacher, Miss Brenna." My response was of course, "are you being sarcastic right now?" (She's known to be a huge goofball). I will never forget her response: "You're like a warrior. I mean, we act like animals in your class and you still put up with us." Man, if that's the biggest way I ever reflect Jesus in my teaching, I'll take it. I may not know what I'm doing 90% of the time, but these kids notice my effort. They see me trying and not giving up, but little do they know how hard it is to keep going some days. In reality, comments like that are what keep me going. I tell God multiple times a week how I can't do this, how He maybe made a mistake in sending me here. As soon as the thought gets out, I laugh at myself at how ridiculous that sounds. Again, I have to remind myself how He didn't send me here to do a good job, He just sent me here to love people and be like Him. The way I reflect Christ just happens to look very different than what I had in mind. It doesn't make my work here any less important for the kingdom of Heaven. So, in talking about what I'm thankful for, that's another one of them. God never ever calls any of us to be perfect, He just calls us to give it all up for Him and go where He's leading. I know I have a LONG way to go, but I also know I never would have learned the things I'm learning right now if I didn't take that step and follow God down here to Honduras.

I couldn't be more grateful for the way God keeps affirming my being here. I can't tell you in all honesty that every new day that comes to an end leave me in all smiles, but I CAN tell you that I appreciate the amount of love God has for me in order to show me these things about myself and to stretch my faith even more. I've been through really hard times before, as many of us have, and because I have, I know God is going to bring a lot of good out of this season, too. It just might take a while to notice. Until then, I'm enjoying the little moments I get that help me make it through another day.

So, my second memorable moment happened this morning at church when I saw two of my 9th grade boys on the other side of the building and they waved to me. Then, when we were all shaking hands and welcoming people (which really just means Caitlin and me standing there looking socially awkward), one of those boys made his way over just to say hi to me and give me a hug. Again, will never forget that moment. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him, but it shows me that he cares. I keep holding on because God has blessed me with 62 reasons to love my life, and that's only counting my students! Yes, there are definitely times when one of those 62 reasons drives me crazy and/or leads me to tears later in my room, but if that's what it takes to get to those really great moments, then give me those tears. Teaching isn't about feeling satisfied every second of every day with the work you're doing. It's working towards hopefully having those rare moments where you realize what you do matters. That's why I teach. That's why I hold on to Jesus now in a way that I never did before. My students may not ALWAYS show love to me, but my Heavenly Father does. That's more than enough for me.

Not Sure

I realized I had to blog today about something I'm thankful for, and for the first time it's a little difficult. Yes, there are lots of small things that happened today that made me smile and appreciate being here. Overall, though, I feel like a liar when I write what I'm thankful for because I feel very frustrated today. Instead of getting right into what makes me thankful, I want to walk you through a little of how my day is going, although sometimes it seems like every school day is like this...

I'm angry that I don't know Spanish better yet. Yeah, I know, "Brenna, it;s only been 3 months, give it time." I, however, am impatient, especially about this because I just feel like I should be able to communicate a little better. It's harder living in a Spanish speaking country because you just want it to come naturally and quickly because it's around you all day everyday, but it hasn't happened that way for me.

My students...well, sometimes it seems like nothing has changed at all from the beginning of the year until now. I know that is not completely true because I've built some great relationships with many of my students, but as a whole, IN the classroom while I'm trying to teach, I feel like a sinking ship. I wish I could tell you I only have some "days" like that, but the truth is, EVERY day is like that, at least to some degree. I did hear a great little bit of wisdom tonight from my friend, Sue, tonight that I wanted to share. "Know what you knew in the beginning is still true today." God gave me a very clear command that He wanted me here by opening up all of these doors and allowing me to be here. Because of that, I know that I'm STILL supposed to be here, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. It'd be a lot easier to pack up and go home and be surrounded once again by family and friends who are such a great support system. On the other hand, it would break my heart into 62 pieces, because I love these students of mine and what each one of them is teaching me through being here. I would miss every one of these kids in a way I don't even want to think about right now. Shoot, even when we just have extended weekends, I start to miss the little monsters. Okay, they're not ALL monsters, but there is a good number of them that certainly test my patience every single minute.

I also have this messed up view of myself, remember I am a first year teacher, and comparing myself to all the other teachers. None of the other people I teach with here are first year teachers, except my friend, Nikki, but she gets Kindergarten kids, a whole different story. So, having said that, a lot of things are just going to suck for me while I muddle my way through this. So yes, today is TOUGH. This year is TOUGH. It may never get any better at all until my second year of teaching. Even knowing all of that, I also know even more certainly that God is using this. I know, too, that He is okay with me getting upset. It's not a sin to get angry. The sin is when you stay that way and never try to do anything about it. God created us, He knows our inmost parts and our deepest secrets/fears/desires. Even in knowing all of that, He also knows what we can handle or He wouldn't give us the obstacle to begin with. I believe wholeheartedly God gave me this challenge right now because He does know I can take it. He never promised I would look good while doing it. He never promised I would enjoy it even a little bit. He never even promised that I would see the purpose of having this trial until much further on down the road of my life. What He DID promise is that He would be there. I know He's holding my hand, mostly because it's the only reason I keep waking up in the morning to do this job. I know I'm not alone. 

So as I ask myself what I'm thankful for, my answer is above. How great is it that I serve a God who gets me even when all I can muster is the phrase "this really sucks right now"? Only the Lord could still love me through that when I literally have nothing left to give on my own. I don't follow a God who always gives me what I want. I follow a God who always gives me what I need. I can't wait to look back on the other side of this season and see what God did with it. Until then, I'm going to keep waking up every morning and pleading Him to make His presence known to me; to keep drawing me closer; to not let me give up; and especially to hold me when I can no longer hold myself up. 

I'm thankful today to serve the God I serve and to know He understands when I feel angry. Thank You, Jesus, for loving me enough to work through that anger with me instead of leaving me alone.

Duck Dynasty and Being Hopeful

Yes, today I am most certainly thankful for the one and only show... Duck Dynasty! We have always somehow received cable channels on our tv from Miami, FL, but we have NEVER been able to get A & E and watch Duck Dynasty. Caitlin was flipping through the channels tonight and lo and behold, it was playing a marathon on Lifetime! Sweet sweet victory at last! I have definitely missed this show more than any other one from home. The stinky part is that we can't watch episodes online on the website outside of the States, and I'm not a fan of downloading things and risking damaging my whole laptop. Let's face it, it's already in pretty rough shape what with it's non-working screen and all. Anyways, I enjoyed a good hour and a half of my favorite show, with someone else who actually appreciates it the way I do, so it was a really good night.

I guess on a more serious note, today I was reminded how thankful I am for relationships with my students that just continue to build. Today, one of my grade 7 girls came up to me to talk and comment on how "cool" it was that she saw me walking by her house earlier in the weekend. Apparently, to her, I'm cool enough to say hi to outside of school grounds. That's always nice. =) What really touched me was after that, she opened up real quick and told me about a really hard family situation that happened to her this weekend. I asked her how she was doing and she just said point blank: "I'm really not good at all. It's really hard." She's one of those girls that doesn't open up a whole lot, so for her to say that, it really touched me. So those of you reading this who are believers in prayer like I am, please keep her in your prayers. Her family is having a rough time and it's one of those things that wouldn't normally happen so easily if they lived somewhere else. My heart breaks for her, but I'm also hopeful because of the faith we both share in a God who is bigger than all this earthly pain. I'm encouraged to know that every trial is only for a season, and God didn't create rainbows after the rain for nothing, right? God is really really good, and I think we all too easily forget that in the midst of the day to day. Sometimes, when a situation gets too rough for me or seems too overwhelming, it is REALLY hard for me to see God at work or feel like He could POSSIBLY be using this time in my life for the good of spreading His name. Yet somehow, He always surprises me. I know He is at work in my students' lives just the same. For that, I am extremely thankful.

An old friend reminded me of this truth in a beautiful way today... I don't know what my tomorrow holds, but I know who holds my tomorrow.

That's all we really need after all, right?

Three months later...

Whoops! I missed posting yesterday! A bunch of the English speaking people living in Honduras got together at one of the missionary family's house and tried to have a bonfire night. Somehow, whenever we PLAN a bonfire in this country, it always rains on our fun. Then again, it rains a lot here anyways, so that should be expected. Anyway, we ended up having a great time of fellowship and getting to hang out with people we don't normally get to. I am incredibly thankful for the ability to get to know so many people while being here. I also don't usually enjoy playing Apples to Apples, but we played last night and it was actually pretty fun. We also had some FANTASTIC chocolate chip cookies, and ended with some fireworks in the backyard. Fireworks are really pretty, but I'm slightly fearful for my life when they're set off so close to me! Anyway, that's what I'm thankful for from yesterday.

Today, well today marks three months exactly since all of us new English teachers arrived! Woohoo! It's been a great three months of change and faith-stretching and obedience and challenges and heartbreak and laughter and Jesus conversations. It's for sure good to be in Honduras for this season of my life. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else! To celebrate, Caitlin and I went to the place known for having baleadas bigger than your head, literally. Okay, maybe it wasn't to celebrate, we don't really need an excuse EVER to eat baleadas. I am, however, very thankful for those wonderful slices of heaven, and a friend/roommate like Caitlin to spend time with and is usually thinking the same thing as me when it comes to food! Speaking of food, Caitlin and I got a cheesecake from the hospital cafeteria here...don't judge us for the fact that we literally spent 25 American dollars for it. Good news is it's HUGE and is delicious enough to certainly be worth that much. Sometimes, the food here just really surprises you with how fantastic it tastes. =)

Long Distance Communication

Today I'm thankful for being able to talk to my parents via skype. I don't like to do it too often because it just makes this whole long distance living thing harder, but once a week I can handle still. It's getting to those really rough weeks and the break at home is SO close, yet so far!!! It's hard. Totally worth it to be here, but still rough.

I'm also really really excited because I just found out one of my closest friends, Heather, will get to come home to Illinois for break also, so I will actually get to see her!!! I love the community of support I have among my friends and family. Being here would be MUCH harder if it weren't for them. God sure has been good to me.