Are we REALLY all overcomers, though?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you just felt like something was missing? Like when you don't have your seat belt on and it almost makes you feel naked because it's so weird to not be wearing it..? (or...uhh...maybe that's just me. Awkward.) Or have you ever been missing a piece of jewelry you wear every single day and then all the sudden you realize IT'S NOT THERE?!

Well, that jewelry story was me today. I lost a really important ring, but I didn't even notice until almost the entire day had gone by. So I had no clue when I really lost it...I just knew I was heartbroken over it. Because I really like metaphors, (and I've spent most of my life in church where, incidentally, a lot of metaphors get thrown around) I'm going to turn this into a teachable moment. (Because I also kinda like teaching) What if we replaced the ring in my story with Jesus? So I went about my whole day and didn't have Him with me (not actually true, but just stick with me), and then as the day is beginning to wind down I finally look around and notice that He isn't there. Can't we so easily do that in our spiritual lives? Even though He is always always with us, aren't there times we can just unknowingly cast Him aside, with about 1,000 possibilities for as to why we just didn't decide to carry Him along? I mean, it isn't as if we notice right away when we have lost our connection with Him. It is something that happens gradually, and typically we don't have any clue.

Our lives get busy. We sometimes experience seasons of life where we feel strong enough to handle life without running to Jesus. That life is so false, though. There is no true, genuine life outside of our Creator. Then, when hurt or pain strikes, we flail around like babies trying to learn how to swim. How different, and less stressful, would life be if we started living in Christ, day in and day out, no matter how hard or easy it was? I know, I know. I am constantly learning what the heck that means, too.

I guess what strikes me most about this ring of mine is what it says on it. It is inspired by the song, "Overcomer" by Christian artist, Mandisa, and I got it when my friends came to visit me in Honduras. The song carried me through what was honestly one of my most difficult life seasons. Talk about feeling like a failure and never being enough. Honduras brought all of that to the surface for me for the first time in my life. And it was painful. The verse engraved on the back of the ring is 1 John 4:4  --But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already overcome those people (referring to nonbelievers, essentially), because the spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.
Here's the truth, no matter what BS might hit the fan in our lives, we can ALWAYS take hope in Christ that He has overcome it all. And because of that, we can live boldly and face our fears because we know that in the end we have nothing to lose when we already have the One who is enough, who can never be taken from us.

The line that keeps popping up today from the song is this: "Stay in the fight 'til the final round." Here's the beautiful thing I am discovering about this...whether we fight or not, we still have Jesus. But, oh, wouldn't it just be so beautiful if we let God fight for us so that we might experience His power here on earth? Wouldn't it be awesome if we showed up for the fight?

That ring I lost was incredibly precious to me, but apparently it didn't really hit me until I lost it. When I looked down at my hand today at work and it wasn't there, I literally almost ran to the bathroom just so I could cry. Cry for the loss of something that knew my time in Honduras and experienced it right along with me. Something that always reminded me of what good community looks like, which in my case was my 2 dear friends making a goofy music video to the song and sending it to me BECAUSE THAT'S TOTALLY WHAT THEY DID. It's awesome. The reason I decided against running, though, was because running doesn't change our problems, at least not for the better, If anything, it just makes them worse; harder. If I am going to honestly learn how to dance with fear, then even in some of those moments of weakness where I want to break down (no matter HOW silly it may seem), I choose not to.

Oh, and it turns out I didn't actually lose my ring. I never even put in on for the day! Talk about being oblivious to things in your life...don't forget what the focus is. What the purpose is. It isn't us. It isn't our stuff. It isn't our lifetime achievement goals. It's Jesus. Always Jesus. We are all overcomers. In Christ, we have enough. We just have to learn how to dance with the fear when it threatens to make us feel like we're failing.

 *disclaimer* - I am always always always speaking these same words back to myself when I write them. Please don't let me fool you into thinking I already have this figured out. I don't.

Even the Clouds Can Shine

Today started out as another perfectly normal one. I felt fine, did my usual thing at church, and then this dreaded thing happened: I was asked to go to some friends' house for Sunday lunch. Yes, you may read that and be like, "why is that bad? You're friends...I don't see the bad!" Well, that's what I thought, too. Except I am learning this new thing about myself where I covet my alone time without even realizing it, so certain sporadic, random, spontaneous invites to go places and do things KINDA FREAKS ME OUT.

Okay, I'm not saying all of them are hard. But gosh, sometimes, and of course I have no control over WHEN those times are, I just really DON'T WANT TO BE SOCIAL, OKAY? Is that bad? Does that make me a terrible, selfish human being? AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO GETS LIKE THIS?

The answer to all of those questions is NO. No, it is not bad. No, it does not make me (or you) a terrible, selfish human being. No, I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS LIKE THIS. Friends, it is TOTALLY OKAY to not be okay. Do you know that? Here's the thing I am trying to do more and more, though. I'm trying not to let that desire to be around nobody but myself be the thing that I end up giving into every time. Sometimes, it really really is okay to just take some time for ourselves. Necessary, even. However, there are also those times when I am just making a silly excuse up by saying "Oh, but I have things to do", when really my 'things' are just writing some letters and reading a book that I'm currently addicted to. Those do not give me a "get out of socializing free" card for the day.

I am recognizing the more times I have these feelings that it is actually another form of fear. Fear is something I constantly want my life to be known for in the way that I fought against it. Shoot, I even re-titled this blog after that desire in me to not let that STUPID FEAR win. The blog first started when I decided to leave this country for the wonderful (and seriously hot) country of Honduras. *Feel free to scroll back to my first blogs for more on that adventure* Then when I got back my blog's theme was more of how I viewed life in light of how Honduras changed me...except I'm pretty sure I only managed to make one entry...oops. Then there was this current season. The season of battling fear. My dear buddy Ben Rector (okay maybe he doesn't know he is but WHATEVER, a girl can DREAM, right?) has this beautiful song called...you guessed it (or maybe you didn't) FEAR. He has this line in there that immediately made it my absolute favorite song of his:

I learned to dance with the fear that I'd been running from.

Thank you, Ben, for making fear something okay to have. So often we hear that we have to be fearless. Well, I don't think that actually even exists. I think the only way we can get over fear is to just deal with it. To push through. To keep going in the direction God is calling us, even though it's scary. The only way to do life well isn't to get RID of fear, it's to dance with it. Ben is a smart guy.

I ended up going to my friends' house and hanging with my sweet friends and smiling at cute babies and eating yummy food and, my favorite part, playing with a cute Corgi (yes, I am that person who gets more excited about the dogs at parties than I do about the humans sometimes.). And then guess what...I still got to go home and do some reading and some writing. Turns out there's time for all of it. Then I ended my night with some karaoke jamming with our youth group kids, and DUH, THAT IS NEVER NOT FUN. On my drive home tonight, I noticed the rain had stopped and the sun was shining through the clouds, the clouds that earlier in the day threatened to steal my joy, metaphorically, because I felt a little broken in not wanting to be with people. That's what God does, though, isn't it? He reminds us of His love in something as simple yet beautiful as a cloud.

My last thought before I go, something again simple yet so needed, was this reminder from my friend, Sarah. No matter what trouble we go through here on earth...it's all TEMPORARY. I pray you can rest in that today. And always. We were never meant to bare heartache and pain forever. The only forever we were meant for is when we go Home. Thank You, Jesus.

Letting Go

The older I get, and specifically this year, I've learned why letting go really is okay. I find myself so often going back to the waaaaay way past and wanting to drudge it back up again...

* "That thing that friend did? It really made me question her faith. I need to ask her about it because even though we're back on good terms again, it still bothers me.."

* "So and so really hurt me when he (fill in the blank). I thought I'd forgiven it, but maybe we should revisit that issue."

* "Why didn't what's her face ever (fill in the blank)? Why did she act like that wasn't wrong?"

* "That person never really (fill in the blank), but I can never be honest if I never tell her how I feel."

Guys. If I'm not careful, these things and others like them can begin to haunt me. Scenarios of life that I think I have to figure out, even though they happened eons ago (Yes, I said eons. It's a fun word, no?). Do they really matter? I think sometimes I get paralyzed in this mindset. Why? Because I've also been learning so much lately about what it means to be real. To be honest. Honest about our dirt. To stop hiding. To be okay with and embrace that we are all broken people.

I read in Don Miller's book, Scary Close, that if we are never fully honest, we can never be fully known.

What. That's a huge statement! And it terrifies me.

The more I dwell on that and consider how valuable and necessary life with other people is, the more I have realized I have discovered my *actual* biggest fear. ( see my last blog post, which was over a year ago, oops, for more on fears and junk)

I'm most afraid of not being fully known by people. Of unknowingly lying to myself and therefore lying to everyone else around me as well.

Gosh, how I want to be known. That's what we were each created for. Well, guess what? Wanna know the cool part?

We        Are        Fully       Known      Already.

Our Father God, who loves us so. dang. much. He knows us. The tricky part is we have to be willing to constantly get to know more of ourselves. * I mean, I know I'm not the only one who keeps learning things about myself and then going, "wait, WHY THE HECK DIDN'T I EVER SEE THAT BEFORE?!?!"

Anyway, back to letting go. Being fully known doesn't have to mean we share every part of our lives with every single person.

What I believe it DOES mean?
-We can't be afraid to say the hard stuff. We shouldn't feel the need to hide parts of our lives. It's those very things that are our "red flag". They keep us from genuine community. If you're not willing to share even the hard, the ugly? Then yes, it's quite impossible for people to really know you.

Trust me, I don't have this figured out yet, either. But hey, we're all in this thing together, right?

I'm rooting for you...praying for you...don't be afraid to show your true self.

***Oh. And just for the record? No, I don't think bringing up the past just for the sake of bringing it up is worth it. The answers you may get ultimately aren't going to change who the people are NOW, right? Let's love like we were meant to: right where we really are. ***

My Biggest Fear

I titled a journal entry of mine this not long after first getting back from Honduras last year. It's not long, so I will share it here so it can forever be somewhere else besides just in my little book. I say this because I think it's important to say what we feel and be honest about the junk we have. If we don't do that, we run the serious risk of living OUTside of community, which is NOT where God wants us. So, here goes, the hardest words I ever wrote are probably these words that follow:

7-18-14 My Biggest Fear

"My biggest fear is that God already used me and my purpose was already fulfilled. My biggest fear is that I'm never going to be good at loving strangers. My biggest fear is I may never go back to Honduras full time. My biggest fear is I will never stop comparing myself. My biggest fear is I will always keep driving when someone is asking for help on the side of the road. My biggest fear is being lost here forever."

Yeah. So these words were my honest fears, and in little ways they still are. As you can see, my biggest (singular) fear is actually a whole bunch because there is no way to be less afraid of one of these happening over another. They all terrify me. Or at least they used to.  Here is what I've learned about my life since these words were penned. First of all, if we were done being used by Christ, then the next obvious step for Him would be to call us Home because our earthly work is done (at least that's how it works in my mind, and in the words that I know in the Bible). As far as not loving strangers? Well, I realize God gives me that ability just about every single day. I mean, shoot, in a couple weeks I am moving into a house to love a whole bunch of strangers in the neighborhood and show them Jesus simply by the way my roommates and I live our lives for Jesus. I think the fear of loving strangers well is pretty silly in retrospect, but ya know, everybody has those moments of fear and uncertainty. Clearly that day was one of mine. Being in the midst of a tough transition is also never helpful with trying to understand what your life will look like in this new season.

Man, this next one is fair to say that it used to really be my biggest fear. Living in a country other than Honduras used to scare me in a way that nothing else ever could. However, once again, I have experienced a lot of growth in this season in the States. A season that looks like there will be consecutive ones in which I am still here. And guess what? I am okay with that. Finally finally finally I am at a place where not being in Honduras is okay. Not great, but okay. And my life here is thriving. I am no longer in survival mode in terms of getting through each day here. I have found new ways to stay connected to my precious kiddos and friends still in Honduras. I love social media so so much because of the ways it has allowed me to still love my kids. And mail there really isn't as bad as it is in some places, so when I send stuff, it EVENTUALLY gets there. So sending love in a package isn't totally out of the question, either. :)

God has shown me that HE is at the core of those relationships, NOT the locations we all have. I can be over 2,000 miles away and still they know how much I care and even more importantly how GOD cares, because that has always been their foundation in life, too. Like I said, living in community is a beautiful thing, so seeing it live and active in multiple countries is even sweeter.

Comparing myself, well, I finally feel like I am better and better at NOT doing this. I still have my moments, though, trust me. When I want to compare myself with others, I choose to look at Christ instead, because if I am going to compare myself with anyone, it really should be Him, right?

I am still trying to figure out how to love people on the side of the road well. It will be a constant lesson for me, but for now I am in the "praying for opportunities" stage. I am still human, so I still miss those opportunities a lot. We're never finished growing, thank God, since I still have so much to learn.

Being lost here forever. This one is very interesting to me in so many ways. First, since we don't belong here, we weren't created for this world, IT'S OKAY TO FEEL LOST HERE. Please hear that if you hear anything from all of this. This life is not about figuring it out. It's about LIVING it out. Just do life, whatever that looks like, and let God keep showing you the way to new and different things along the way. Don't stand still just because you don't know your next step. I don't even know for sure my own next step, but since God has sort of given me a direction for this next season, I am going to follow that until He shows me something else.

'If you haven't lost Christ, child, nothing is ever lost."
(Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts)

Thanks for listening to my thoughts. Chances are most reading this are people I am blessed to be in community with in one way or another. So, for that, I thank you.

Year 2014: I Swear I Lived

The last few days I have been thinking so much about all the joy and laughter and heartache and pain and beauty and love that has been all over this year. It's been unlike any other. Mainly because it's the only year of my life that has been half spent in Honduras and half in my Springfield "home".

I think it's really therapeutic to journal, and I wanted this to be seen by more than me, because it is too precious not to share what all God has done. I rang in last year with two of my closest friends, and as the year progressed, they came to visit me in my beautiful Honduras for a week, which was easily one of the best of my existence. Then, after coming home, to find out my best friend, same one to share Honduras with me, is HAVING A BABY. There is no greater joy than children. AND that my other sweet friend who shared in Honduras with me is getting MARRIED! Only one of the many reasons this year was so wonderful.

My kids in Honduras gave me a serious run for my sanity. I made countless journal entries about how hard they made my life, mainly in the classroom, but ya know what? Outside of the classroom I bonded with and got to love those kids in a way I never have before. My heart now breaks a little bit on a daily basis knowing the time just keeps getting longer that it's been since I'e seen their faces, hugged them tightly, or just let them laugh and think I'm crazy for my "awesome" sarcasm and jokes. It's been 6 months. This song, I Lived, by One Republic, puts it beautifully:

"Hope that you fall in love and it hurts so bad.
The only way you can know, you give it all you have.
And I hope that you don't suffer, but take the pain.
Hope when the moment comes, you'll say:
I did it all. I did it all.
I owned every second that this world could give.
I saw so many places and things that I did.
Yeah, with every broken bone, I swear I lived."

I did fall in love. I fell in love with every part of Honduras and every child I taught and every friend I made and every moment I had. Yep, even those sucky ones. I went places and challenged myself. I lived a life I could only have dreamed of before. Now, I would do it all over again and again.

I experienced for the first time what it REALLY means to love people unconditionally, but I don't think I truly learned it until I left. It's amazing how much I yearn for those moments when I thought I would have to give up and go home. Those were the moments that meant the most because they defined who I was in Christ. Who I AM in Christ. I came back to the States, after spending my last few days with some of my students, just being their friends, and I got to meet my Compassion kid, Omar. I mean, seriously, how many people get to do THAT? I spent the day with my friend, Ema, on her birthday, because she asked me to. I made some kind of imprint on her life, but she made a much bigger one on mine, along with every other kid I had the absolute pleasure of teaching for a year. I watched The Fault in Our Stars with my friend, Itzel, in Spanish, and cried over the MULTIPLE conversations I had with her and so many other girls about that book. I miss those days so much. I miss their joy and their love and their compassion. I also see it every day now, though, in the different kids I teach every day. They are with me wherever I go, whether they know it or not.

I've never been a very cool traveler, but I must say, after coming back from Honduras, I did quite a good amount of it! It started with a pretty impromptu trip to Ohio and then Canada to hang with my roomies! I don't do things without a lot of thought, but this was such an easy thing to say yes to, and, why not? Spending time with both of them in their "other homes" was so great! Witnessing those friendships continue on even after Honduras, that is beautiful to me.

In subbing this school year, I have seen so much joy in the kids I am with every day. I love it, even though they are also a good percentage of straight up crazy, after all I AM just a sub. :)

Next up was Washington D.C. Everyone who knows me knows my reason for going was not anything political. It was all about the pandas for me! However, we did go see all the sights that you must see while there, and I got to hang out with my mom, grandma, and cousin/ best friend, so it ended up being one of the best trips I've ever been on. All because of a panda. :) You're welcome, family.

Last was New Orleans, a rather rash decision solely based on wanting to hang out with my Nashvillian friend, Amanda, and because plane tickets were super cheap! Visiting the cemeteries, and getting kicked out of them, along with all the wonderful food and beautiful scenery, another trip that delivered way more than expected.

To wrap it up, I got to have Thanksgiving with my family again, and laughing with them is one of my absolute favorite things on the planet. Christmas was also great being with them and not feeling rushed this time because I didn't have to say goodbye to them in a few days. (Although most days if it weren't for money stopping me, I'd be on a plane to Honduras every month probably)

The best thing that is wrapping up my 2014 is where I will be living in Springfield soon. Much more shall be explained later, but just know, God is up to some pretty awesome stuff even right here in Illinois. He's placed me here, and with the love of Honduras and all the lives that touched mine, I take that love and the love of Christ into the world. A lot has happened this year, and, I swear I lived.

Holding My Hands Open

A hammock. A good book. A beautiful view. Swinging back and forth in my happy place. That's what sticks out most from the last few days we had in Tela, one of the beach towns in Honduras. Experiencing places like this in Honduras just makes me further question, "Why on earth am I LEAVING?" Well, as much as I love you, Honduras, you won't last forever. No place will. And I'm grateful. The only place I want to last forever is in Heaven with my Jesus.

I was able to really quiet my life down while we were away by disconnecting from the internet and (most) t.v. Hey, I still had to keep up with some soccer, alright? Truth is, the times I'm most alone are the best times for Christ to speak to me. There's this seriously fantastic book, A Thousand Gifts, that I can't keep my hands off of, and yet it's still taken me forever to devour. Probably because I'm a notetaker and half my notebook is now full of Ann Voskamp's challenging and encouraging words. In other words, I could very well have rewritten the entire book with the amount of notes I took, but hey, when something's that good you have to do whatever you can to remember it!

Being in a good hammock is easily one of my happiest places on earth.

Ann Voskamp, the author of this book I can't seem to finish, talks on every page about being thankful. The word for it is eucharisteo. See, she found out she had cancer as an adult- a mom with 6 kids (I think?) and a farmer husband- and this is after she watched her younger sister die right in front of her as a child because of a truck not paying attention on the road. She had to watch her parents hold her little sister as she took her last breaths in a pool of her own blood. They all chose, at first, to curse God for allowing this to happen to such a young, lively child. How do you find a way to be thankful in that? A way to eucharisteo? I am sure we all have our own versions of cruel things God "has done to us" that we have found hard to accept and forgive, or maybe some are still dealing with those issues with God. Whatever it may be, Ann had a really great idea once she found out about the cancer. She started a list of all the gifts God gives her in a day. She was challenged by another to list 1,000 things she considered a gift. It was in this time that she finally learned true eucharisteo.

Dirty laundry
Kids yelling at the top of their lungs
simple beauty of the moon

These were some on her list. I decided to make my own list because of how encouraging it was to see the change God caused in her by slowing down and considering everything a gift. 

To be honest, one of my favorite things, that I find a lot of joy in, is doing the dishes. (I guess the only time I hate it is when they've piled up for days and it is NOT my fault. I hate people being lazy, so I clearly understand how my mom felt the entire time I was growing up. Sorry, mom.) There is no thinking involved in doing dishes, and many times I find it an easy time to use to pray about my day. It's something simple. Nothing fancy. And then I came to the beach. I had these incredible views everywhere I went. I don't think a single thing during my time away didn't cause eucharisteo. It was just easy. The whole scene was just breathtaking for me. Yet, as much as I love it, what will happen now that I am back in Sigua, with more mundane, less obvious grateful moments for me to seize? THEN, what will happen when I go back to Springfield, away from the mountains and the beauty and my students and my friends here? Will eucharisteo still be as easy to find?

No. There's also the hard eucharisteo:
"This is it. The hard eucharisteo. Now I know that I don't want to know it yet...Ever. How to lay the hand open for this moment's bread-when it will hurt."

Oh, Lord, awake my soul to Your goodness and mercy when all I will want is to indulge in the pain I feel from leaving. Help me find the hard eucharisteo and embrace the simple miracles of everyday.

Life is not nearly as much about the places you go as it is the people you meet. You carry them with you wherever you go - and they're usually no more than a Skype call or email away. Technology is pretty great these days.

"All gratitude is ultimately gratitude for Christ, all remembering a remembrance of Him. For in Him all things were created, are sustained, have their being. Thus Christ is all there is to give thanks for; Christ is all there is to remember. To know how we count on God, we count graces, but ultimately there is really only One."

"The quiet song of gratitude, eucharisteo, lures humility out of the shadows because to receive a gift the knees must bend humble and the hand must lie vulnerably open and the will must bow to accept whatever the Giver chooses to give."

Please, just take in that beauty. Only God could create a sky and mountain backdrop like that.

Excited for Whatever's Next!

This decision not to come back was not an easy one, but every time I started leaning towards coming back another year, God would point out something that just didn't work with that choice. As much as I hated it, I realized it will be best for me to go back to Illinois. At least for now. Now, don't get me wrong. I DO plan on returning soon, even if that just means visiting. To me, my heart's desire is to come back down here once I've taken some Spanish classes and at least gotten a grasp on the basics of Spanish. See, while living here, I've been able to pick up a lot of it, but not enough to form many useful sentences, just enough to make sure I don't go hungry and can travel to the places I need to go. I could easily stay here and take Spanish classes in the country filled with people who actually speak it, but in my heart, I really need to be home. Well, maybe I don't need to be as much as I just want to be. My dad's back in our lives after a really long absence and it's been really, really hard being away from him during this time that he's officially become a part of our family again.

In the meantime, before God reveals my next step to me regarding Honduras (or somewhere else if that's where He decides to take me), I am going to take Spanish classes and immerse myself as much as possible without actually being in a Spanish speaking country. I would love to get involved with an organization that works with teens somewhere here in Honduras, but in most cases, you have to be bilingual for that. All that to say, I could be a long way away from my long term goal. And that is okay. I have learned to accept whatever and wherever it is God has placed me, even if that means I have to wait a long time just to find out where and what that is. I am excited about getting involved with other ministries and organizations in Springfield while I wait, places that I never really took the time to invest myself in before. God doesn't HAVE to have me in Honduras in order for me to do His work. I can do that anywhere. I just want to be a blessing for Him and shine a little more of His light in this world. Selfishly I just wish that would bring me back to Honduras full time someday.

For now, my plans are not really concrete once I get back to the States. I'll move back in with my mom. I'll most likely substitute teach again, because I loved that way more than I expected to. I look forward to getting involved again in my church life at Lakeside and also find some way to work with teenagers in the community. The biggest thing for me will be taking Spanish classes. I will be taking a class at the community college and hopefully get to practice with my students, too, since half of them added me as a facebook friend as soon as the last day of school was over. You know, it's not cool to be friends with your teacher, but when they're just another person, it's totally acceptable. :)

I'm so looking forward to seeing many of you who are reading this in the coming months once I get back home in a month! Get a hold of me and let's set up a time to hang out so I can tell you all about this in person! Thanks for going on this journey with me, and it is far from over, no matter WHAT I end up doing next. :) God bless!

My daddio and me!

So excited to get to spend lots of quality daddy/daughter time with this guy!