It seems my goal of blogging once a week was an unrealistic goal, but better late than never, right?
The last couple weeks have been filled with some really good challenges for me, and some I have brought my A-game, and some I have not. We have one day left of classes and then Christmas Fair celebrations on Friday. After that, we head home for Christmas!! I am really looking forward to seeing people from home. Even more so to eating all that delicious food you can only find in the States!
Last week and this week, I have had to prove myself as a teacher, and to be honest, I don't know that I'm doing that. Some days look really positive, and others look like a train wreck. It's been hard for me to seek what God is doing in all of this, but nonetheless, if He gives me a chance to keep fighting for my place here, than I will do exactly that. I will not give up. If I do, it's not really giving up so much as it is God telling me He's got a different path for me to take next. I am learning how to be okay with that. I am also learning it is normal to doubt your own abilities, which is why it is so critical to be in God's presence and keep seeking His will for my life. At this point, I am honestly at a place where I can genuinely say I love these kids with every fiber of my being, however, I do not love the job of teaching itself. There are several reasons for that. First, I am still a first year teacher and still figuring out what I'm doing. Second, I will always be learning, which means there will be plenty of room for mistakes, which I seem to be encountering a lot more often these days than not. Third, I've always had a passion for forming relationships with kids, but I've never been all that good at drawing a line in which we are friends, but I am firstly their teacher. That's probably the hardest thing for me. It's so hard because this job is a ministry in itself, whether you each at a Christian school or not. I like to take advantage of every opportunity I get to connect with my kids and help them learn something new about the Lord and His love for them.
Having said all that, I love it here. I really do. However, I am taking it all in with an open hand, trusting that at any moment He may call me away from here and on to something different. It will break my heart, for sure, but I know He does these things to strengthen us and to remind us HE is in control, not us. I hate accepting that sometimes, but then I also love it because it takes me off the hook from having to know what my future holds myself.
On a different note, the weather back home is ridiculous! I mean, we don't even get SNOW here, let alone weather below 40 degrees. The coldest it's been here is maybe 50 this year. Crazy. Illinois is supposed to get some really bad snow over the weekend, when I'm supposed to be flying home. If you could pray for the weather to be just good enough to still let me fly without any (or at least not many) delays.
Still clinging to this verse:
Philippians 1:6 " being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Burn The Ships
Sorry it's been a while since my last one. My last couple weeks here have been filled with lots of good moments, as well as some harder ones. It started last Friday when my 9th grade students began presenting a song that has had some affect on their faith life with Christ. One of my students presented the song "Burn the Ships" by Steven Curtis Chapman. I had never heard it before, so it was a little mind blowing listening to this young man in my class explain the historical background. The meaning behind it is back during a battle (don't ask me which one, I never claimed to be good at history) where Cortes, the commander in charge, was fighting with his soldiers in Mexico and all of his men wanted to go back because they knew they wouldn't win. Cortes' response was NOT what they wanted to hear. He literally had them burn all of their ships, as a symbol that they were NOT turning back. They would keep fighting and they would either win or die. His reasoning? God had brought them thus far and just because circumstances changed, the original truth that they were right where God wanted them had NOT changed. My 9th grade student was used by God in a mighty way that morning. It's like God was speaking right to me, reminding me that anything worth having in life is worth fighting for. I've listened to that song many, many times since then, just reveling in the truth it holds. I've decided to burn my ships and fight my heart out to be here and to succeed.
Having said that, this past week has been my mos enjoyable week I've had so far, which you know is saying a lot if you have been keeping up with these blogs. Anyway, I've finally started to stop letting every. little. thing. bother me and let some things go that just aren't worth fighting for. I thought it was only me who noticed the change, but by Thursday, some of my students seemed to notice it, too, which felt really good.
My favorite moment this week, and one of my all time "proud teacher moments" so far, was with my 8th grade class. We've been doing these "One Minute Presentations" where they pick a random topic from a container and talk about it, anything they want to say, for 60 seconds. The point is to be practicing their fluency and get used to being in front of the class more often. One of my students has been extremely shy and not confident in her English speaking ability. So, for the past 3 presentations, she gets up and says about three words and then gives up and sits back down. This week, after trying to encourage her to the best of my ability, she got up there and spoke for the ENTIRE 60 seconds! Not only that, but she did a pretty dang good job! Then, the next day when I saw her, she had a huge smile on her face and I told her how proud I was of her, and I could just tell that she was really proud of herself, too. It's moments like these that I live for in teaching.
One thing that's been a struggle is my 7th grade class. They have NOT gotten used to the fact that they need to turn their work in, and therefore they rack up quite a few zeros in the grade book because they never bother handing in all their work. We had a meeting with all the parents, AND the students were all present. It was really good for them to be able to hear their teachers worries as well as their parents' own thoughts. Needless to say, after offering them half the credit back for late work if they turned it in the very next day, I had a LOT of kids rushing up to give me their work. Just when we were worried they didn't care about their grades, there is STILL HOPE!
Some other exciting happenings were we FINALLY got to go see Catching Fire this past weekend, and it was AWESOME! I guess we really didn't have to wait that long, it'd only been out a week by the time we went, but if felt like forever to me. The best part is being able to talk about it with so many of my students now, because we're ALL big Hunger Games fans around here. We also had our school Spelling Bee on Wednesday. Fun fact about Miss Brenna, I LOVE spelling bees! It was so fun seeing my kids go up and try their very best to win. It's so cute how nervous they get, and the best part is when the winner is a super shy girl. Yup, my 7th grade girl, Itzel, won the bee! It was so special to be a part of that. Plus, it's always fun when we get to do a school wide activity of some sort that gets us out of our regular school routine and gets the kids excited.
As good as this last week was, there were still some hard moments, for sure. Not only that, but last Saturday morning, my family said goodbye to my grandpa Charlie. It's so hard being away from family when something like that happens, but I also trust that God does everything for a reason. It just makes me even more excited to go home and see all my family and friends. Speaking of, I'll be home in two weeks! If you're praying you could just lift up these last two weeks up, because as exciting as it is to visit home, this is a really exciting time at the school, too, and I don't want to miss out on that by being preoccupied with thoughts of home. Also, something really difficult came up yesterday for me. I can't exactly talk about it, but I can tell you that I need prayer for it, LOTS of prayer. I've been dealing with a lot of anger over it today, but a dear friend here reminded me the only way to defeat the devil's schemes is to be in the Word, which is exactly where I've been dwelling throughout the day today.
I'll end on this note, from the NLT: James 1:19-21 "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls."
So, yes, times are a little bit hard here for me right now, but I'm still choosing to burn my ships and stick it out. Maybe you need to burn your ships, too. Stay in the fight. Don't give up. If God called you to something, He doesn't change His mind just because your circumstances may have changed. He also does not get worried or bothered by the things that we do. So, give Him your troubles and let HIM take care of them. Maybe I really just wrote that part for myself, because I just need to keep repeating it so I don't forget where it is God wants my heart to be. If I'm focused on myself, I can't focus on Him. So, let's burn those ships, people!
Rest In Peace, Grandpa Charlie. Life here will certainly not be the same without you.
Having said that, this past week has been my mos enjoyable week I've had so far, which you know is saying a lot if you have been keeping up with these blogs. Anyway, I've finally started to stop letting every. little. thing. bother me and let some things go that just aren't worth fighting for. I thought it was only me who noticed the change, but by Thursday, some of my students seemed to notice it, too, which felt really good.
My favorite moment this week, and one of my all time "proud teacher moments" so far, was with my 8th grade class. We've been doing these "One Minute Presentations" where they pick a random topic from a container and talk about it, anything they want to say, for 60 seconds. The point is to be practicing their fluency and get used to being in front of the class more often. One of my students has been extremely shy and not confident in her English speaking ability. So, for the past 3 presentations, she gets up and says about three words and then gives up and sits back down. This week, after trying to encourage her to the best of my ability, she got up there and spoke for the ENTIRE 60 seconds! Not only that, but she did a pretty dang good job! Then, the next day when I saw her, she had a huge smile on her face and I told her how proud I was of her, and I could just tell that she was really proud of herself, too. It's moments like these that I live for in teaching.
One thing that's been a struggle is my 7th grade class. They have NOT gotten used to the fact that they need to turn their work in, and therefore they rack up quite a few zeros in the grade book because they never bother handing in all their work. We had a meeting with all the parents, AND the students were all present. It was really good for them to be able to hear their teachers worries as well as their parents' own thoughts. Needless to say, after offering them half the credit back for late work if they turned it in the very next day, I had a LOT of kids rushing up to give me their work. Just when we were worried they didn't care about their grades, there is STILL HOPE!
Some other exciting happenings were we FINALLY got to go see Catching Fire this past weekend, and it was AWESOME! I guess we really didn't have to wait that long, it'd only been out a week by the time we went, but if felt like forever to me. The best part is being able to talk about it with so many of my students now, because we're ALL big Hunger Games fans around here. We also had our school Spelling Bee on Wednesday. Fun fact about Miss Brenna, I LOVE spelling bees! It was so fun seeing my kids go up and try their very best to win. It's so cute how nervous they get, and the best part is when the winner is a super shy girl. Yup, my 7th grade girl, Itzel, won the bee! It was so special to be a part of that. Plus, it's always fun when we get to do a school wide activity of some sort that gets us out of our regular school routine and gets the kids excited.
As good as this last week was, there were still some hard moments, for sure. Not only that, but last Saturday morning, my family said goodbye to my grandpa Charlie. It's so hard being away from family when something like that happens, but I also trust that God does everything for a reason. It just makes me even more excited to go home and see all my family and friends. Speaking of, I'll be home in two weeks! If you're praying you could just lift up these last two weeks up, because as exciting as it is to visit home, this is a really exciting time at the school, too, and I don't want to miss out on that by being preoccupied with thoughts of home. Also, something really difficult came up yesterday for me. I can't exactly talk about it, but I can tell you that I need prayer for it, LOTS of prayer. I've been dealing with a lot of anger over it today, but a dear friend here reminded me the only way to defeat the devil's schemes is to be in the Word, which is exactly where I've been dwelling throughout the day today.
I'll end on this note, from the NLT: James 1:19-21 "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls."
So, yes, times are a little bit hard here for me right now, but I'm still choosing to burn my ships and stick it out. Maybe you need to burn your ships, too. Stay in the fight. Don't give up. If God called you to something, He doesn't change His mind just because your circumstances may have changed. He also does not get worried or bothered by the things that we do. So, give Him your troubles and let HIM take care of them. Maybe I really just wrote that part for myself, because I just need to keep repeating it so I don't forget where it is God wants my heart to be. If I'm focused on myself, I can't focus on Him. So, let's burn those ships, people!
Rest In Peace, Grandpa Charlie. Life here will certainly not be the same without you.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Just RELAX!
Alright, it's been a week since I last blogged, which if you recall was also my hardest day here so far. I am blessed to be able to say that I am in a MUCH different place today, both spiritually and emotionally. The rest of the school week was still not all that great, but it wasn't TERRIBLE, either. Then, on Friday we had Sports Day for the high school. I was asked to be a ref for volleyball and dodgeball. Ha! When Sarah, my roommate and the p.e. teacher, asked me that's exactly what I did. I just laughed. I gladly said I would do it, but inside I was freaking out, luckily Daniel, whose family has been long time missionaries here, came to help me out. Let's just say I wasn't meant to be a ref for any sport of any kind, whatsoever. At the end of the day, we did a soccer game of teachers vs. students. Guess what Miss Brenna was volunteered to be? The dreaded goalie. It turned out being pretty good, I even managed to make myself look kinda good at it! We played for about a half hour with each of the four teams of kids until the bell rang. Then, 20 or so kids wanted to keep playing. With me. So I stayed in the goal and kept trying my best to block them from scoring. Some of the kids who stuck around for so long after were the kids I've been having trouble with in the classroom, so of course I milked those moments of bonding for all they were worth! It was the most fun I've ever had with my kids outside of the classroom, and certainly a highlight of my time here so far. I was so desperate to find a way to connect with them that I even took a HUGE bruise to my leg. If you know me, remember I bruise easily! So now the side of my leg is a pretty black/purple/blue combo. I'm excited to go to class tomorrow and show them how "tough" I am. =)
We had a three day weekend because of the presidential elections here, which as far as I know we still do not have news of the winner. I do know that depending on who gets it, things could get a lot less peaceful around here than they already are. Now, that's talking about the country more as a whole than it is right here where I am located. Either way, it gave us all a good excuse to stay in the house the whole time and not try to venture out into the craziness of the political rallies and parades. We did go grocery shopping and cash our paychecks Saturday morning, and speaking of groceries, I found Jif peanut butter on sale for less than the generic brands I usually buy! Granted, I still payed close to $4 for each jar, that's cheap around here for peanut butter! Random fact, but I thought I'd share that with you!
Saturday was a day of a little bit of work, and I do mean a little, and a lot of watching movies and being extremely lazy. That night, our friends Cristian and Hector came over and cooked Caitlin and me dinner and showed us how to do it ourselves. It was quite entertaining! Then, after begging for 4 nights, Caitlin finally got her wish of getting to set off fireworks outside. Fireworks have no real law on when they can be set off in Honduras, which is partially why they go off ALL the time, and more so when something big in the country happens. Anyway, I am really glad nobody was taking video of them, because I am sure I would have ended up on America's Funniest Home Videos... they set off a bunch, but one literally came after me. I mean, I was running for my life as it went off on the ground, like it's supposed to do, and then started spewing all over the place and shot RIGHT in my direction! Eek! Everyone had a good laugh at my expense, and now that I lived through it, it was pretty funny. Anyway, then it was only 10:30 or something and Caitlin and I decided it would be best to watch a movie instead of go to bed right away. Luckily, we had been discussing Mary Kate and Ashley movies last week, so she downloaded a bunch. Needless to say, before this weekend ended, we watched three of them. Gotta love it! Oh, and speaking of watching t.v., we also watched Duck Dynasty, which was FANTASTIC! (Caitlin also downloaded a bunch of those, thank GOD!) We also got to enjoy some Pizza Hut in Comayagua again because our friends Nikki and Kenneth randomly get the urge to go there and are always wonderful enough to invite us to go along. You NEVER turn down Pizza Hut trips here. Ever. I rarely eat it in the States, but here, it is a luxury that you don't want to pass up!
Yesterday I literally laid around until about 2 in the afternoon watching another one of my shows from home. Usually I don't like to be that lazy, but this weekend was necessary, and I don't regret a single minute of it. I've had some real quality prayer time to get to pray for my students and the relationships we have and I also have begun better contact with some of their parents, which I think will really help them pay attention in class. I'm looking forward to where that goes.
Speaking of prayers, my grandpa Charlie could really use some. My mom informed me he is most likely going to have to go into hospice care because he is not getting any better. I don't want to go into details, but please just keep him in your thoughts and prayers. It's really hard for me to think I may never see him again. I certainly wasn't expecting that when I left home.
As for me, I could use prayers for learning Spanish. I want to learn it NOW. I know that's not realistic, but I get easily frustrated when I don't get it right away. I know it just takes time, and I AM able to understand more and more on my own, so that's a plus! Also pray for us in these next 4 weeks of this parcial. We have a lot to squeeze in before Christmas break and it is already stressing me out a bit. Again, though, I have to keep giving it back to God because it does me no good to worry about it myself. Plus, I know He's already got it all under control.
God bless!
Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
We had a three day weekend because of the presidential elections here, which as far as I know we still do not have news of the winner. I do know that depending on who gets it, things could get a lot less peaceful around here than they already are. Now, that's talking about the country more as a whole than it is right here where I am located. Either way, it gave us all a good excuse to stay in the house the whole time and not try to venture out into the craziness of the political rallies and parades. We did go grocery shopping and cash our paychecks Saturday morning, and speaking of groceries, I found Jif peanut butter on sale for less than the generic brands I usually buy! Granted, I still payed close to $4 for each jar, that's cheap around here for peanut butter! Random fact, but I thought I'd share that with you!
Saturday was a day of a little bit of work, and I do mean a little, and a lot of watching movies and being extremely lazy. That night, our friends Cristian and Hector came over and cooked Caitlin and me dinner and showed us how to do it ourselves. It was quite entertaining! Then, after begging for 4 nights, Caitlin finally got her wish of getting to set off fireworks outside. Fireworks have no real law on when they can be set off in Honduras, which is partially why they go off ALL the time, and more so when something big in the country happens. Anyway, I am really glad nobody was taking video of them, because I am sure I would have ended up on America's Funniest Home Videos... they set off a bunch, but one literally came after me. I mean, I was running for my life as it went off on the ground, like it's supposed to do, and then started spewing all over the place and shot RIGHT in my direction! Eek! Everyone had a good laugh at my expense, and now that I lived through it, it was pretty funny. Anyway, then it was only 10:30 or something and Caitlin and I decided it would be best to watch a movie instead of go to bed right away. Luckily, we had been discussing Mary Kate and Ashley movies last week, so she downloaded a bunch. Needless to say, before this weekend ended, we watched three of them. Gotta love it! Oh, and speaking of watching t.v., we also watched Duck Dynasty, which was FANTASTIC! (Caitlin also downloaded a bunch of those, thank GOD!) We also got to enjoy some Pizza Hut in Comayagua again because our friends Nikki and Kenneth randomly get the urge to go there and are always wonderful enough to invite us to go along. You NEVER turn down Pizza Hut trips here. Ever. I rarely eat it in the States, but here, it is a luxury that you don't want to pass up!
Yesterday I literally laid around until about 2 in the afternoon watching another one of my shows from home. Usually I don't like to be that lazy, but this weekend was necessary, and I don't regret a single minute of it. I've had some real quality prayer time to get to pray for my students and the relationships we have and I also have begun better contact with some of their parents, which I think will really help them pay attention in class. I'm looking forward to where that goes.
Speaking of prayers, my grandpa Charlie could really use some. My mom informed me he is most likely going to have to go into hospice care because he is not getting any better. I don't want to go into details, but please just keep him in your thoughts and prayers. It's really hard for me to think I may never see him again. I certainly wasn't expecting that when I left home.
As for me, I could use prayers for learning Spanish. I want to learn it NOW. I know that's not realistic, but I get easily frustrated when I don't get it right away. I know it just takes time, and I AM able to understand more and more on my own, so that's a plus! Also pray for us in these next 4 weeks of this parcial. We have a lot to squeeze in before Christmas break and it is already stressing me out a bit. Again, though, I have to keep giving it back to God because it does me no good to worry about it myself. Plus, I know He's already got it all under control.
God bless!
Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Monday, November 18, 2013
Sinking
Sinking.
Some, actually most, days I feel like I'm doing just that. I know I've said I've had hard days here, but today was without a doubt the hardest. Some of my students went to my principal last week and expressed their feelings about my class. That turned into an all class meeting time where my students all got to speak their peace about the things they don't really like about my class. Gosh, in the spirit of being completely honest, it sucked.
My boss came in and translated for me and my principal talked with the kids about all the somewhat irrational things they didn't like about me. I'm certain God was the only reason I was not only still standing at the end, but still smiling, too. Of course, as soon as it ended I came to my room and bawled for my prep time until I had to put that smile back on and face my last class of the day.
I know first year teachers have it hard, and many teacher friends of mine describe their first as a year from hell. I, however, was just NOT expecting it to be this hard. I thought student teaching was bad. This is harder. Much, much harder.
What I CAN say I'm thankful for is my principal. Even though we speak different languages, she is pretty amazing at supporting her teachers. I mean, every single thing the kids said, she was there to defend me and call them out on how childish they were acting. It was a breath of fresh air to feel that supported by her. Another thing that made that class period easier was hearing a few of my students stick up for me and call the students out for how they act in class. They try to throw ALL the blame on me and two of my girls were NOT having it. I'm so blessed to have students like that. These kids are only in middle school, yet they have wisdom far beyond their years. That is beautiful to get to be a witness to. If no other good ever comes from this year, I know that I've gotten to somehow, although not sure how, touch the lives of some pretty great kids. Maybe all it takes is seeing someone fight through the pain and the struggle. It's literally a miracle in my opinion that any of my students like me outside of the classroom because of how much they see me struggle inside the classroom.
That brings me to my other point. I fully admit to being at fault for some of our classroom issues. I guess the frustrating part is that the kids never really seem to listen when I try to talk to them about that. Some days it feels like all they do, at least a good half of them anyway, is complain to and argue with me about anything and everything. It freaks me out to think I've got this responsibility of teaching them for the rest of the school year. Having said that, it also excites me. I can feel the Holy Spirit in a way I haven't felt Him before. I know I don't know what's ahead of me, but I know who goes before me into each one of my trials.
Just like one of my favorite verses says: "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Thankful for that truth and how I can feel the Spirit moving even right now in THIS moment.
There's been a lot of emotion this year, and with emotion comes crying. At least for me. I think that's what I'm most thankful for, that God lets me vent my feelings with my tears. What's even better is that I know He's catching every one of them.
Some, actually most, days I feel like I'm doing just that. I know I've said I've had hard days here, but today was without a doubt the hardest. Some of my students went to my principal last week and expressed their feelings about my class. That turned into an all class meeting time where my students all got to speak their peace about the things they don't really like about my class. Gosh, in the spirit of being completely honest, it sucked.
My boss came in and translated for me and my principal talked with the kids about all the somewhat irrational things they didn't like about me. I'm certain God was the only reason I was not only still standing at the end, but still smiling, too. Of course, as soon as it ended I came to my room and bawled for my prep time until I had to put that smile back on and face my last class of the day.
I know first year teachers have it hard, and many teacher friends of mine describe their first as a year from hell. I, however, was just NOT expecting it to be this hard. I thought student teaching was bad. This is harder. Much, much harder.
What I CAN say I'm thankful for is my principal. Even though we speak different languages, she is pretty amazing at supporting her teachers. I mean, every single thing the kids said, she was there to defend me and call them out on how childish they were acting. It was a breath of fresh air to feel that supported by her. Another thing that made that class period easier was hearing a few of my students stick up for me and call the students out for how they act in class. They try to throw ALL the blame on me and two of my girls were NOT having it. I'm so blessed to have students like that. These kids are only in middle school, yet they have wisdom far beyond their years. That is beautiful to get to be a witness to. If no other good ever comes from this year, I know that I've gotten to somehow, although not sure how, touch the lives of some pretty great kids. Maybe all it takes is seeing someone fight through the pain and the struggle. It's literally a miracle in my opinion that any of my students like me outside of the classroom because of how much they see me struggle inside the classroom.
That brings me to my other point. I fully admit to being at fault for some of our classroom issues. I guess the frustrating part is that the kids never really seem to listen when I try to talk to them about that. Some days it feels like all they do, at least a good half of them anyway, is complain to and argue with me about anything and everything. It freaks me out to think I've got this responsibility of teaching them for the rest of the school year. Having said that, it also excites me. I can feel the Holy Spirit in a way I haven't felt Him before. I know I don't know what's ahead of me, but I know who goes before me into each one of my trials.
Just like one of my favorite verses says: "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Thankful for that truth and how I can feel the Spirit moving even right now in THIS moment.
There's been a lot of emotion this year, and with emotion comes crying. At least for me. I think that's what I'm most thankful for, that God lets me vent my feelings with my tears. What's even better is that I know He's catching every one of them.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
In Time..
As usual, I have let time get away from me and it's been a few days since I last updated. Since my last blog, I've come to realize a few things, and have been extremely thankful for the chance to be here for this season of my life. God keeps showing me grace, especially when I get really disappointed about how I'm doing in the classroom. I have really high, unreasonable expectations of myself and how I perform, yet God keeps saying "I sent you here, and you just have to trust my reasoning for that. You don't have to work for my approval, I already have a much higher appreciation for you than you do for yourself."
Yes, God's been showing me over and over again how He doesn't expect us to work in order to earn His love. I think we can easily become distracted by that and thinking that we aren't "good" enough. He doesn't care about our actions, He cares about our hearts. So maybe my actions here don't show that I have gained the respect from my students that I feel I should have. Here's the thing, though, the problem isn't that my students don't respect me, they're just used to acting crazy no matter what. I am a FIRST YEAR TEACHER. Clearly I do not know too well yet what I am doing. They find ways to get away with things that experienced teachers would never allow. Yes, I have a lot to learn, but what I've learned already is invaluable.
Two very memorable moments happened for me this week with teaching. First, we had parent meetings on Friday for parents to discuss their students' parcial one grades. It was already an extremely difficult day and I literally went to my room and cried right before those meetings started. As I was ending the meetings, one of my 9th grade girls looked at me and said, "You're a really good teacher, Miss Brenna." My response was of course, "are you being sarcastic right now?" (She's known to be a huge goofball). I will never forget her response: "You're like a warrior. I mean, we act like animals in your class and you still put up with us." Man, if that's the biggest way I ever reflect Jesus in my teaching, I'll take it. I may not know what I'm doing 90% of the time, but these kids notice my effort. They see me trying and not giving up, but little do they know how hard it is to keep going some days. In reality, comments like that are what keep me going. I tell God multiple times a week how I can't do this, how He maybe made a mistake in sending me here. As soon as the thought gets out, I laugh at myself at how ridiculous that sounds. Again, I have to remind myself how He didn't send me here to do a good job, He just sent me here to love people and be like Him. The way I reflect Christ just happens to look very different than what I had in mind. It doesn't make my work here any less important for the kingdom of Heaven. So, in talking about what I'm thankful for, that's another one of them. God never ever calls any of us to be perfect, He just calls us to give it all up for Him and go where He's leading. I know I have a LONG way to go, but I also know I never would have learned the things I'm learning right now if I didn't take that step and follow God down here to Honduras.
I couldn't be more grateful for the way God keeps affirming my being here. I can't tell you in all honesty that every new day that comes to an end leave me in all smiles, but I CAN tell you that I appreciate the amount of love God has for me in order to show me these things about myself and to stretch my faith even more. I've been through really hard times before, as many of us have, and because I have, I know God is going to bring a lot of good out of this season, too. It just might take a while to notice. Until then, I'm enjoying the little moments I get that help me make it through another day.
So, my second memorable moment happened this morning at church when I saw two of my 9th grade boys on the other side of the building and they waved to me. Then, when we were all shaking hands and welcoming people (which really just means Caitlin and me standing there looking socially awkward), one of those boys made his way over just to say hi to me and give me a hug. Again, will never forget that moment. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him, but it shows me that he cares. I keep holding on because God has blessed me with 62 reasons to love my life, and that's only counting my students! Yes, there are definitely times when one of those 62 reasons drives me crazy and/or leads me to tears later in my room, but if that's what it takes to get to those really great moments, then give me those tears. Teaching isn't about feeling satisfied every second of every day with the work you're doing. It's working towards hopefully having those rare moments where you realize what you do matters. That's why I teach. That's why I hold on to Jesus now in a way that I never did before. My students may not ALWAYS show love to me, but my Heavenly Father does. That's more than enough for me.
Yes, God's been showing me over and over again how He doesn't expect us to work in order to earn His love. I think we can easily become distracted by that and thinking that we aren't "good" enough. He doesn't care about our actions, He cares about our hearts. So maybe my actions here don't show that I have gained the respect from my students that I feel I should have. Here's the thing, though, the problem isn't that my students don't respect me, they're just used to acting crazy no matter what. I am a FIRST YEAR TEACHER. Clearly I do not know too well yet what I am doing. They find ways to get away with things that experienced teachers would never allow. Yes, I have a lot to learn, but what I've learned already is invaluable.
Two very memorable moments happened for me this week with teaching. First, we had parent meetings on Friday for parents to discuss their students' parcial one grades. It was already an extremely difficult day and I literally went to my room and cried right before those meetings started. As I was ending the meetings, one of my 9th grade girls looked at me and said, "You're a really good teacher, Miss Brenna." My response was of course, "are you being sarcastic right now?" (She's known to be a huge goofball). I will never forget her response: "You're like a warrior. I mean, we act like animals in your class and you still put up with us." Man, if that's the biggest way I ever reflect Jesus in my teaching, I'll take it. I may not know what I'm doing 90% of the time, but these kids notice my effort. They see me trying and not giving up, but little do they know how hard it is to keep going some days. In reality, comments like that are what keep me going. I tell God multiple times a week how I can't do this, how He maybe made a mistake in sending me here. As soon as the thought gets out, I laugh at myself at how ridiculous that sounds. Again, I have to remind myself how He didn't send me here to do a good job, He just sent me here to love people and be like Him. The way I reflect Christ just happens to look very different than what I had in mind. It doesn't make my work here any less important for the kingdom of Heaven. So, in talking about what I'm thankful for, that's another one of them. God never ever calls any of us to be perfect, He just calls us to give it all up for Him and go where He's leading. I know I have a LONG way to go, but I also know I never would have learned the things I'm learning right now if I didn't take that step and follow God down here to Honduras.
I couldn't be more grateful for the way God keeps affirming my being here. I can't tell you in all honesty that every new day that comes to an end leave me in all smiles, but I CAN tell you that I appreciate the amount of love God has for me in order to show me these things about myself and to stretch my faith even more. I've been through really hard times before, as many of us have, and because I have, I know God is going to bring a lot of good out of this season, too. It just might take a while to notice. Until then, I'm enjoying the little moments I get that help me make it through another day.
So, my second memorable moment happened this morning at church when I saw two of my 9th grade boys on the other side of the building and they waved to me. Then, when we were all shaking hands and welcoming people (which really just means Caitlin and me standing there looking socially awkward), one of those boys made his way over just to say hi to me and give me a hug. Again, will never forget that moment. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him, but it shows me that he cares. I keep holding on because God has blessed me with 62 reasons to love my life, and that's only counting my students! Yes, there are definitely times when one of those 62 reasons drives me crazy and/or leads me to tears later in my room, but if that's what it takes to get to those really great moments, then give me those tears. Teaching isn't about feeling satisfied every second of every day with the work you're doing. It's working towards hopefully having those rare moments where you realize what you do matters. That's why I teach. That's why I hold on to Jesus now in a way that I never did before. My students may not ALWAYS show love to me, but my Heavenly Father does. That's more than enough for me.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Not Sure
I realized I had to blog today about something I'm thankful for, and for the first time it's a little difficult. Yes, there are lots of small things that happened today that made me smile and appreciate being here. Overall, though, I feel like a liar when I write what I'm thankful for because I feel very frustrated today. Instead of getting right into what makes me thankful, I want to walk you through a little of how my day is going, although sometimes it seems like every school day is like this...
I'm angry that I don't know Spanish better yet. Yeah, I know, "Brenna, it;s only been 3 months, give it time." I, however, am impatient, especially about this because I just feel like I should be able to communicate a little better. It's harder living in a Spanish speaking country because you just want it to come naturally and quickly because it's around you all day everyday, but it hasn't happened that way for me.
My students...well, sometimes it seems like nothing has changed at all from the beginning of the year until now. I know that is not completely true because I've built some great relationships with many of my students, but as a whole, IN the classroom while I'm trying to teach, I feel like a sinking ship. I wish I could tell you I only have some "days" like that, but the truth is, EVERY day is like that, at least to some degree. I did hear a great little bit of wisdom tonight from my friend, Sue, tonight that I wanted to share. "Know what you knew in the beginning is still true today." God gave me a very clear command that He wanted me here by opening up all of these doors and allowing me to be here. Because of that, I know that I'm STILL supposed to be here, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. It'd be a lot easier to pack up and go home and be surrounded once again by family and friends who are such a great support system. On the other hand, it would break my heart into 62 pieces, because I love these students of mine and what each one of them is teaching me through being here. I would miss every one of these kids in a way I don't even want to think about right now. Shoot, even when we just have extended weekends, I start to miss the little monsters. Okay, they're not ALL monsters, but there is a good number of them that certainly test my patience every single minute.
I also have this messed up view of myself, remember I am a first year teacher, and comparing myself to all the other teachers. None of the other people I teach with here are first year teachers, except my friend, Nikki, but she gets Kindergarten kids, a whole different story. So, having said that, a lot of things are just going to suck for me while I muddle my way through this. So yes, today is TOUGH. This year is TOUGH. It may never get any better at all until my second year of teaching. Even knowing all of that, I also know even more certainly that God is using this. I know, too, that He is okay with me getting upset. It's not a sin to get angry. The sin is when you stay that way and never try to do anything about it. God created us, He knows our inmost parts and our deepest secrets/fears/desires. Even in knowing all of that, He also knows what we can handle or He wouldn't give us the obstacle to begin with. I believe wholeheartedly God gave me this challenge right now because He does know I can take it. He never promised I would look good while doing it. He never promised I would enjoy it even a little bit. He never even promised that I would see the purpose of having this trial until much further on down the road of my life. What He DID promise is that He would be there. I know He's holding my hand, mostly because it's the only reason I keep waking up in the morning to do this job. I know I'm not alone.
So as I ask myself what I'm thankful for, my answer is above. How great is it that I serve a God who gets me even when all I can muster is the phrase "this really sucks right now"? Only the Lord could still love me through that when I literally have nothing left to give on my own. I don't follow a God who always gives me what I want. I follow a God who always gives me what I need. I can't wait to look back on the other side of this season and see what God did with it. Until then, I'm going to keep waking up every morning and pleading Him to make His presence known to me; to keep drawing me closer; to not let me give up; and especially to hold me when I can no longer hold myself up.
I'm thankful today to serve the God I serve and to know He understands when I feel angry. Thank You, Jesus, for loving me enough to work through that anger with me instead of leaving me alone.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Duck Dynasty and Being Hopeful
Yes, today I am most certainly thankful for the one and only show... Duck Dynasty! We have always somehow received cable channels on our tv from Miami, FL, but we have NEVER been able to get A & E and watch Duck Dynasty. Caitlin was flipping through the channels tonight and lo and behold, it was playing a marathon on Lifetime! Sweet sweet victory at last! I have definitely missed this show more than any other one from home. The stinky part is that we can't watch episodes online on the website outside of the States, and I'm not a fan of downloading things and risking damaging my whole laptop. Let's face it, it's already in pretty rough shape what with it's non-working screen and all. Anyways, I enjoyed a good hour and a half of my favorite show, with someone else who actually appreciates it the way I do, so it was a really good night.
I guess on a more serious note, today I was reminded how thankful I am for relationships with my students that just continue to build. Today, one of my grade 7 girls came up to me to talk and comment on how "cool" it was that she saw me walking by her house earlier in the weekend. Apparently, to her, I'm cool enough to say hi to outside of school grounds. That's always nice. =) What really touched me was after that, she opened up real quick and told me about a really hard family situation that happened to her this weekend. I asked her how she was doing and she just said point blank: "I'm really not good at all. It's really hard." She's one of those girls that doesn't open up a whole lot, so for her to say that, it really touched me. So those of you reading this who are believers in prayer like I am, please keep her in your prayers. Her family is having a rough time and it's one of those things that wouldn't normally happen so easily if they lived somewhere else. My heart breaks for her, but I'm also hopeful because of the faith we both share in a God who is bigger than all this earthly pain. I'm encouraged to know that every trial is only for a season, and God didn't create rainbows after the rain for nothing, right? God is really really good, and I think we all too easily forget that in the midst of the day to day. Sometimes, when a situation gets too rough for me or seems too overwhelming, it is REALLY hard for me to see God at work or feel like He could POSSIBLY be using this time in my life for the good of spreading His name. Yet somehow, He always surprises me. I know He is at work in my students' lives just the same. For that, I am extremely thankful.
An old friend reminded me of this truth in a beautiful way today... I don't know what my tomorrow holds, but I know who holds my tomorrow.
That's all we really need after all, right?
I guess on a more serious note, today I was reminded how thankful I am for relationships with my students that just continue to build. Today, one of my grade 7 girls came up to me to talk and comment on how "cool" it was that she saw me walking by her house earlier in the weekend. Apparently, to her, I'm cool enough to say hi to outside of school grounds. That's always nice. =) What really touched me was after that, she opened up real quick and told me about a really hard family situation that happened to her this weekend. I asked her how she was doing and she just said point blank: "I'm really not good at all. It's really hard." She's one of those girls that doesn't open up a whole lot, so for her to say that, it really touched me. So those of you reading this who are believers in prayer like I am, please keep her in your prayers. Her family is having a rough time and it's one of those things that wouldn't normally happen so easily if they lived somewhere else. My heart breaks for her, but I'm also hopeful because of the faith we both share in a God who is bigger than all this earthly pain. I'm encouraged to know that every trial is only for a season, and God didn't create rainbows after the rain for nothing, right? God is really really good, and I think we all too easily forget that in the midst of the day to day. Sometimes, when a situation gets too rough for me or seems too overwhelming, it is REALLY hard for me to see God at work or feel like He could POSSIBLY be using this time in my life for the good of spreading His name. Yet somehow, He always surprises me. I know He is at work in my students' lives just the same. For that, I am extremely thankful.
An old friend reminded me of this truth in a beautiful way today... I don't know what my tomorrow holds, but I know who holds my tomorrow.
That's all we really need after all, right?
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